Tag: Mental Health

In My Own Words, Lifestyle

Past Me Would Be So Disappointed In Present Me

RaeAnna

I am not okay. 

Making struggling look chic since 1991.

I am, but I’m not. Life is always an adventure and a bit of an uphill battle. Yet I find myself struggling even more than usual as things like health issues, insecurities of freelancing, home upheavals, desire, and the overall current chaotic status quo of life and the world are ever looming in the back and even foreground of daily existence. What a time to be alive. 

The predictable New Year, New Me posts are running around the internet as we enter the third week of 2022. The usual ten year challenge is circulating with side by side pictures from 2012 and 2022 to show their glow ups. I may include my own, but I have not decided yet. Motivational posts are even more prevalent than usual in my feed, which is saying something considering the majority of women in my life are positive-look-how-far-you’ve-come-manifesting people. I am very much not that. 

There are lots of motivational things that really grate my soul, but the current, and so far longest lasting, motivational mantra that makes me want to move to the wilderness and quit all human interaction is any and all renditions of the following variations on:

“Think about how proud your past self would be if they could see you now.”
“Your past self would be so proud of you right now.”
“There is a past version of you that is so proud of how far you have come.” 
“If the version of you from five years ago could see you right now, they’d be so proud.” 

Gack! Absolute pukerific. 

Maybe one day, I can get on board. But at thirty, knowing who I was at fifteen, twenty, twenty-five… hate to tell these motivational humans: Past me would be soooo disappointed. There are past me’s who would be angry with the woman writing this. Even twenty-nine year old me would be a bit confused by the choices I made over the last year. I don’t think these posts are directed at high achievers who were absolutely gutted by some unfortunate tragedies of existing. In my youth, I had high hopes, big dreams, and a certain lack of empathy for seeing how life exists in shades of grey. At fifteen, I knew exactly what I wanted for my future and fell prey to the belief that with enough hard work and dedication, success is guaranteed… Call me a cynic, but that’s just not how life and success (which is highly personal and not at all one size fits all) works; privilege, opportunity, education, health, society, connection, gender, race, a bit of luck are all important details the American Dream conveniently leaves out. I digress. At twenty, I saw the same future for myself but with a far greater understanding of life’s grey scale. At twenty-five, my envisioned future started aligning more with my actual passions and abilities rather than a future I decided to want based on what had been deemed worthy according to societal pressures and my own desire to stick it to men. 

I decided to do a ten years later side-by-side. Kind of fun. 20 v. 30

Future I Wanted at 15-23
I wanted to have a power house career in the corporate world. Suits and heels. Sitting at a desk in a high rise with a view. Making so much money I could buy a Burberry purse and wear Louboutins—not everyday but, you know, have them in my closet. Sipping martinis at a swanky bar with my fellow powerful business lady friends after work. Going home to my quirky yet very classy one bedroom apartment and dog and settling into silk jammies and drinking wine on the couch as I read. Hopping on planes to go on adventures in five star hotels around the world. Maybe meet a person who likes the same things and never wants to get married or have children.

Future I Wanted at 25 
Basically the same except change the corporate America bit to be a successful memoirist, freelance writer, and stand up comic with goals of being a writer for film and TV working mostly from my home office except when remarkably cool projects took me onsight somewhere. Also my swanky apartment would need to have a study because fuck working in an office.

Present
I’m going to be far more transparent about my life as it is than I care to be, but I would be a terrible writer if I turned away from things that scare me.

At 23, I was on a path to make my future a reality. I ended up in a job that I was very good at which would lead to financial prosperity, in part because I was on track to make six figures before 25 combined with the fact my car was paid off and I had no debt. Burberry and red bottoms were almost tangible at 23. After two months, I realized I was fucking miserable. Being great at a job does not guarantee happiness. Before I turned 24, I knew I was going to walk out of the door because I was not a suit up for work kind of woman the way I had thought and hoped I was. I willingly and happily walked away from the future I had worked incredibly hard for to be poor and change the world… Okay be poor and try to change the world. 

My health is fucking shit. There were two years where I spent a lot of money seeing specialists trying to figure out how to get better. I gave up. There’s only so much “You’re fine” a person can hear when things are clearly not fine. I have spent months at a time stuck at home unable to leave because I’m debilitated. It’s hard to write or even find work when I’m so weak walking to the bathroom is almost impossible. I would be lying if I said there weren’t days where I would make a comfy nest of pillows and blankets in the bathroom with water and books because I was unable to go from couch to bathroom quick enough. Oh chronic illness. I’ve been enjoying a fairly tame period, so knock on wood, yay. 

Financially… I hate life. I love my job. I would love my job more if I made money. I make money, but COVID fucked it all up. I was really on my way to doing quite well when COVID showed up. I had niched myself as a freelance writer for women, creatives, and travel. Three areas that were hit incredibly hard by COVID? Yes. When my clients’ lives are thrown for a loop, my income falters. I am not in a financial spot where I can support myself. I also have this really awful problem of letting people take advantage of me financially… To the point it has put me in a not great spot. Like actually really bad. Only took me thirty and a half years to get here, but I’m working on setting some firm boundaries, but I’m terrible at it. Upside, I know why I’m like this, but it’s a long story, and I don’t care to share. 

Saying this always feels very self-indulgent, but it’s objectively not untrue. I was dealt a rough hand when it comes to life. Growing up in a house steeped in toxicity and abuse, I was not set up for success on a personal level; though it did push me to succeed academically so I could get the fuck out. Hey, did that at least. All of this was quickly followed by years of rape and abuse at the hands of men. I spent my twenties emotionally coming to terms and owning just how fucked up and unstable I am and then learning how to cope with it all. I’m stable, but I’m also a gigantic dumpster fire below the surface. My saving grace is my hyper self-awareness that lets me publicly own the fact I’m the homeless person riding in the back of the struggle bus so no one can shame me or leave me under the pretense of hiding it. I also need to add in my depression, PTSD, and occasionally crippling anxiety.

Also I have six dogs, own a house, and live in the United States with a man. I very much did not want to have a lot of dogs, own property, live in the U.S., or live with a man. These were things I very much wanted to avoid. Yet here I am.

The only reason I have been able to survive and live the life I lead as a young freelancer with serious health problems is because I’ve made exceptionally great decisions even under duress, I’m fantastic with money (when I make/have it and when I don’t), I took my clothes off in college and therefore have minimal debt. I chose a partner who gave me a place to collapse when my health was [is] poor and as my freelancing career took off and then stalled. I do not want to admit this, but I’m going to because I’m not the only human in this position. I hate being dependent on anyone ever for anything. Yet, I have had to be dependent on my best friend over the last five years for short and long periods of time. From picking me up from the bathroom floor to taking care of our mortgage, he has consistently been my partner. I hate, hate, hate that I’m financially dependent on him. It gives me so much anxiety. It keeps me up at night. It is the one thing I always wanted to avoid and successfully did for years. If you look at the future I wanted, it never included a partner or being dependent on anyone. I have deep seeded issues with avoiding dependence of any kind. If I’m not 100% completely independent, I feel like I’m failing. I like being the successful one, the one with money, the one who’s got it all figured out, but I am not that right now. 

I like the way my life looks in pictures because it completely glosses over the fact I’m a disaster.

Boy, oh boy, do I feel like a failure. I stood in my kitchen an hour ago sobbing because I feel like I have done nothing and am a complete waste of oxygen. Hell, I can’t even support myself and my dogs without assistance. I am struggling mentally more than I have in a long time. I have not made a difference. I make shit for money. I’m exhausted, in pain, and a giant mess. I have failed in every sense to accomplish any of the things I wanted to accomplish. I am so mentally and emotionally depleted that for the last two years, the thought of writing anything meaningful makes me want to disappear. Actually the thought of disappearing makes me feel better.

When people tell me they’re jealous of my life, job, travels, whatever, my immediate thought is what the fuck is wrong with you? There is nothing to be jealous of. I should be a cautionary tale rather than inspire jealousy. My current life shituation makes my skin crawl.

Looking at my life in comparison to the things I wanted for myself five, ten, fifteen years ago… Well, I have absolutely failed. Achieved zero things. I think the only thing twenty year old me would be proud of is the fact I’m not dead. Although the fifteen and twenty-five year old me’s might be disappointed in that fact. Suicide has been a prevalent part of my life’s story. I am not dead. I am probably not even a failure. 

Life is not black and white, it is all shades of grey. I’m thirty having achieved nothing that I want to. That’s okay. Thirty is not where life ends, though society leads us to believe it to be so. Maybe I have a long life ahead of me. Maybe I don’t. What I do know is that I’ve lived a hard life. I had to take a good chunk of time off from achieving things other than not dying and keeping the dogs alive. Putting myself back together was more of a priority than chasing bylines or writing books or advocating for change. I can’t do those things if I’m dying inside. 

Future I Want Now 
My idea of success is vastly different than it was even five years ago. Part of that is because I’ve welcomed my gay identity with open arms and can embrace a future I never imagined for myself. I would love to be financially successful enough to buy a lighthouse in Scotland to write and relax and have a cute house in Houston’s Heights or Montrose neighborhood. But I’ll be content if I can take care of myself, my dogs, and travel here and there. More than anything, I’m chasing happiness. I want to be happy and surround myself with humans who challenge and inspire me. I want to fall in love and stay in love. I want to change the world and create a safe space for people to exist as they are. I want to laugh and cry and be vulnerable. I want to be a source of love and kindness and acceptance in the world. I want things that cannot be quantifiably measured. 

My life is not where I want it to be. That goes for all past versions of myself and me as I write this. This is not the life I want for myself, but that doesn’t mean I’m disappointed in the life I’m living. I am old enough to know everything I have done and all the choices I’ve made were best given the circumstances. I’m doing what I have to as I figure out how to survive, get through, and maybe even have a future that doesn’t include an excess of poverty. I do not regret a single thing in my life. I am a culmination of everything I have experienced, and I don’t hate me. I like who I am. I’m even kind of proud of this woman. I’m still alive, and, for me, that’s an achievement. So I’m going to keep trying, being who I am, and I will get to a point where I’m proud of where I am. 

bisous un обьятий,
RaeAnna

In My Own Words, Lifestyle

I’ve Lost My Christmas Spirit

RaeAnna

I love Christmas. It is, without a doubt, my favorite holiday because it is a season. Yes I am usually that human who starts playing Christmas music around midnight on November 1st. I could give Buddy the Elf a run for his Christmas cheer, and our likeness this time of year has been referenced more than a few times. 

I really did dress up just for this picture. I was not feeling it at all… and actually cried a fair bit of today.

Normally I bake like I’m Mrs. Claus trying to take on world hunger. I fill my Instagram feed with all the Christmassy things I’m dragging everyone in my circle to do. I dress in ridiculously over the top red and green ensembles for a month straight. I read and review all the latest Christmas rom-coms. All the new and cringey Hallmark movies are watched, along with Netflix and Hulu. I am not normally the gooey romantic type, but at Christmas I become a trope steeped in tradition and sentimentality. 

Today is Christmas Day, and I’m sitting in a Starbucks watching the sun rise writing this. Christmas has always been that one time of year that I could not be stopped… But over the last few years, I have been not so slowly losing my Christmas spirit. To the point that this year the only reason I even have a tree in the house is because of my pawtner. I don’t think I would have bothered to get one. The reason my office tree is set up is because he brought it into the house and stuck it in my way until I decorated it. Very few Christmas cookies were baked. I have watched all of five Christmas movies, zero Hallmark, and only because of other people. I have taken a total of none Christmassy pictures. I’ve posted zero Christmas book reviews. I didn’t even do anything for Christmas Eve yesterday. My person is in town, who I have spent eleven years of my life with, and all we did was lay on the couch and watch movies and order Chinese. 

What the fuck is wrong with me?!?

Depression. Anxiety. PTSD.

I hate using these things as crutches or excuses, but I’m finally to a point where I can/have to admit: They have been seriously affecting my life. I have been in survival mode for so fucking long. Doing what I can to get by and make everyone around me feel better. Things had to go. Pieces of my soul, life, person, career, heart have been left behind bit by bit.. So much in my life has been sacrificed to maintain the status quo, to make it through, to keep existing. The struggle to not give in to the parts of me that just wants to call it quits. I have too many dogs who depend on me for that bullshit. Although, it’s not just depression, anxiety, and PTSD, there are outside factors that have been exacerbating and contributing to my current less than optimal mental status. I spent 2020 being a mess at the heart of puppy chaos. 2021 has been spent figuring out what needs to go, what needs to change, and what I want. 2022 will be the year I get the hell out of this dark pit I’ve called home for about 30 and a half years. I think I know who I am again… for once. If I don’t, I’m at least heading in a direction I don’t gutterally hate. 

It’s Christmas. People always use the New Year or birthdays as a starting over point, but Christmas has always been my time to shine. It’s always been a starting and end point. The place where the year ends and I can begin looking forward to next year. I doubt this will make sense to anyone, but it’s what works for me. I’m using today as my reset button. Things have to change. I need to get back to me. I want to love Christmas again. Next year, I will. 

I let Christmas go this year; it’s what I needed to do. I took it easy and posted nothing. I celebrated a little with the people I care about most. Today, the day of, will be a good day. It’s a simple day. I get to spend it with the people I want to, and those who I don’t get to see, I’ll call. I’ll cook, watch movies, drink hot cocoa, and go see Christmas lights. I’m healthy. The dogs are fed and happy. I have a home. I’m not where I want to be, but I think I’m on my way. I’m starting to do things for me again… for the first time? I’m tired, but I am looking forward to what the next year will bring. I’m going to put my head down and work, work, work to get to where I need to be for myself, for my dogs, for those I love. 

It may not feel like Christmas for me now, but a lot can change in 365 days.

bisous und обьятий,
RaeAnna

In My Own Words, Lifestyle

I Have Been Self Censoring

RaeAnna

Right after college, I started writing a lot about my experiences as a rape survivor. After a while, I started being inundated with messages from people—strangers, friends, and family alike—asking questions or just letting me know how much my stories helped them through their own recovery. Once I was able to accept I had been in a sexually, domestically, psychologically, and financially abusive relationship, I started talking. I did a whole lot of reading, researching, and listening too. But I started talking. I talked to friends, I talked to strangers who had their own stories, I got up and spoke in front of groups, I lectured at a university, I performed slam poetry, and I wrote. It was a part of me, and a part I was not going to hide. 

Except I have been doing just that. Hiding. Not necessarily on purpose. It’s been pretty inadvertent. A byproduct of my life, relationships, working, and the world at large. I’ve had a hard time writing. I can blame a lot of it on the pandemic, a lack of motivation, wanting a break from reliving those painful memories, and/or a surge in depression and anxiety. Although, that would only be a half truth. 

Living is choosing pain.

I have been censoring myself. 

Censorship is something I really do not like, but that opinion is a completely different piece. Yet, I have been taking part in censorship, and, in my opinion, the very worst form of censorship: self-censorship. Over the course of my blogging/content creating/writing journey, I have written and posted about depression, anxiety, being a rape servivor, PTSD, mental health, and all that jazz. Except, I’ve written and posted about the sunny side of those stories. There’s a way to write about trauma and pain with a sense of humor, a brief overview, a silver lining to make it palatable. A piece that makes people go, that’s a bummer and continue on their days without being weighed down by the story they’ve just read.  

For the longest time, it remained a mystery. Why couldn’t I write? Why couldn’t I post anything I did write? Because I love the fact that my darkest pain can be a light for other survivors. To share the burden, help others heal, create a community, be seen was so meaningful.  

The answer was simple: I didn’t want to hurt anyone. 

I have always been bad at opening myself up to people. Showing emotions and vulnerability is not a strength. If anything, I’m realizing at 30, the people I thought knew me best really don’t know me well at all. It’s not their fault. Not even remotely. I am so private about everything, that I don’t let those closest see me. They have proven they care over and over again, but being open does not come naturally. Instead, I allow myself to exist in their lives as a fairly emotionally one-dimensional human. I’ve been censoring my existence to everyone my entire life. Censoring comes easy. It’s easier than being raw and open. It’s hard letting the entire world really see you. Especially when most of what there is to see is pain.

“To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.” Friedrich Nietzsche

I don’t shy away from hard work, and I have always found it much easier to write than speak (my friends are used to getting letters expressing my emotions when I’m feeling anything other than Happy), so that’s really not the reason I have been silent on the topics that mean the most to me for the last five years. 

Pain. My reality, my truth causes other people pain. Pain, not discomfort at the violent and abusive behavior they’re being brought into. My pain causes others pain because the experiences that I was forced to endure challenges their perception of me, themselves, and life. I deny my experiences to maintain peace, which denies a huge part of who I am, which only causes me more pain. I was taught to tip-toe and hush-hush, make myself small, and never hurt anyone’s feelings or create waves even if that means not speaking the truth or denying the truth completely. So I have been protecting feelings. Other people’s feelings. Feelings belonging to people who wouldn’t give a second thought to what it’s like to be in me.

I live a non-traditional life. I like it this way. It makes me happier. I watch people struggle to fit into a box that society has made for them. They find happiness or contentment. Sometimes they don’t. But I’m not convinced they’re all soaking up all the happiness and joy the world has to offer. I’m not happy when I’m conforming or doing what is expected of me. Though I’m good at it, I’m miserable chasing the traditional ideals. Those who have chosen to be in my non-traditional life support and love me no matter what. I don’t talk about so much of it anymore because it makes things difficult for some. I don’t even think about it anymore because I’ve spent so much time overthinking how a post or picture will upset the status quo.    

People take my silence as shame or guilt. I’ve made some really hard choices. I’ve made out of the box choices. I’ve made dangerous choices. I’ve made stupid choices. I’ve made choices for love. I’ve made choices for money. I’ve made choices out of necessity. I’ve made choices with great repercussions. I’ve made choices of all kinds. I’ve mostly made them alone. I have been very alone yet surrounded by people my entire life. As an adult, I’m more comfortable alone than in partnership because I will be solely responsible for my choices no matter the outcome. The one thing I am not is guilty or ashamed. I am not ashamed of the life I live or the person I have become or the person I was or the things I did. In fact, I’m pretty fucking proud of every choice I made because so often I made desperate choices when there were very few options and none of them were good. But I have not lived with that pride because it causes pain.

At 30 with a lot of very serious health problems, I am goddamn tired. I am tired of always censoring what I say because it hurts people. I am tired of having to not talk about huge swaths of my life because it hurts people. I’m tired of not being able to be me all the time because it hurts people. I’m not going to continue to be small because it makes other people’s lives uncomfortable. 

I’m not censoring myself anymore. It’s all going to be out there. Because I’m not being real. I’m not being authentic. I’m not doing everything I can to make the world a better place. 

In My Own Words, Lifestyle

Happy 168th Homecoming, Cornell College

RaeAnna

It was Homecoming weekend for my alma mater, Cornell College, in Mt. Vernon, Iowa.

I’ve been to more homecomings than I haven’t since graduating—only missing this and last year, due to COVID. I loved Cornell while I was there, and love it still. Though, as does everything, it had it’s faults and shortcomings, it was the place I needed, as much for classes and maybe even more for the people it brought me. I still wear my Cornell clothes. I don’t follow the sports teams, but I didn’t do that while I was there either. I read the newsletters. I’ve donated money. I follow them on social media. I continue to sing its praises. I have a Cornell Alumni sticker on my car. I’m, what you may call, a die-hard alumna. Since I couldn’t be there, I celebrated in my own way.

High school was not my space. For a high school, my high school was amazing, but still, I couldn’t wait to leave and find my people in college. And find them, I did. But I also found myself. 

I grew up in Iowa. I wanted nothing more than to leave. Be away from Iowa. Live in cities in new places with lots and lots of different people. I wanted to touch the world outside my bubble. I applied to big schools in big places. And Cornell College. College. Not to be confused with University. Twelve years older, located in Iowa, with 23,000 less students, and named for William Wesley Cornell, a cousin of Ezra’s, it’s easy to confuse the two. I applied to Cornell College because a) it was a good school b) I could create my own major c) if it had to be in Iowa, at least it looked like the East Coast. Long story short, I ended up at a small school, in a tiny town, in Iowa. Exactly what I didn’t want, yet everything I needed. Maybe not the Iowa part, but the other two were definitely what I needed. 

Cornell is a strange place. A tiny liberal arts college in Iowa with a one-course at a time curriculum. It attracts the weirdies from all over. By weirdies, I really mean weirdies. From tech nerds to book nerds to gamers to LARPers. All inclusive weird. You name it, Cornell has it. For only 1,200 students, you can and will find your niche of nerd. We even had some token Republicans on campus. 

I quickly learned that even smart people don’t talk about smart people things all the time or even half the time. I found out it was not only fine but good to not take myself seriously all the time… or ever. Being smart doesn’t mean being boring and intellectual every moment of every day. PEOPLE ACTUALLY DO DRUGS! Y’all, I truly thought a skunk lived outside my dorm my entire first semester. Not even a tiny bit ashamed over this level of naïveté. I also learned it’s good to think outside the box, to question authority, to push back when I knew something was wrong, to speak up with questions and answers, to fail, to ask for help, to be vulnerable, and so many more things. I also learned Russian and German and how to diagram a sentence and furthered my French and English and a lot of applicable knowledge that I use every day in my career, life, and relationships. Yes, it was worth the money Karen. Yes, I do use that expensive piece of paper in my career, Stewart. But college is more than classrooms and textbooks. It should be a safe space to explore, fail, learn, grow, and become the people we were then, are today, and will be someday.

Home is what I think of when I think of Cornell. It was the first place I felt whole. A space that gave me acceptance, love, family, friends, pain, recovery, poverty, plenty, adventure, respect, happiness, anger, truth, and peer review journals. That last one I put in there just because it was unexpected and funny.

I met my people. 

I met my person, who has stayed my person despite moving cross country and living apart for seven out of our eight year personship. She’s doing amazing things, and I could not do life without her. She’s a special kind of human, and I’m so glad she’s mine. Homecoming my senior/her freshman year is really where we started bonding. It’s when I met her family, who would become my family. Cornell gave me a home for four years and led me to the family I chose for forever. 

I found the love of my life at Cornell. My first semester freshman year, I fell for him. Actually, I fell on him. The happiest and saddest moments of my life were shared in our home by Cornell. It was and has always been the earth shifting, head soaring, heart fluttering, belly laughing, eyes shining kind of love that turns into soul shattering, heart wrenching, inside hallowing, eyes filling, life altering heart aches. Cornell is where I lost him. Whether it’s our liberal arts education teaching us to think outside the box, our love, history, respect, or a combination, I still call him my best friend, my partner, my most favorite human .

So many people came in and out of my life at Cornell. I made friends in the dorms, in classes, through walking across the Ped Mall. I spent time with my partner’s fraternity brothers. I became an honorary member of a sorority. I was president of the French club. I had friends all over. I learned stillness and solitude are equally as important for me. I felt a part of something even when I took time for myself. 

I came into my own life at Cornell. 

Life was lived because it had to be suffered through. Then I went to college, where I met people who let me be whatever I was. Happy, sad, angry, passionate. Feelings were welcomed. I found a man who challenged me to love and be loved, demanded I allow myself to break in every way I needed to so I could recover. Cornell gave me permission to enter my own life authentically and with complexity. 

The hardest years of my life played out on campus and in Mt. Vernon. When I think of Cornell, a shimmering sadness plays across my heart. A foundational four years filled me with as much sorrow as happiness. I think I’m still catching up on the sleep I never got back then. I also really wish I hadn’t recycled all the paper handouts and copies from my classes… I’d give a lot of things—not the dogs— for all of those now. I would not be who I am without Cornell. I would probably not be at all if it weren’t for my Cornell family. I miss it as much as I am happy to have moved on. 

No matter the hardship, I am and always will be a die-hard alumna. I really didn’t like purple until I realized I had to embrace it at college. Purple and white are the school colors, and I’ve definitely acquired a collection of Cornell pride clothes over the years.

2021 is the 168th anniversary of Cornell’s existence. It’s old as shit, considering the state of Iowa is only seven years older than my beloved alma mater. Missing out on this year’s celebrations, although most were cancelled due to COVID, was sad. So I decided to fill my house with flowers in Cornell colors all week. I even did a photoshoot with a bouquet, hair comb, and corsage to celebrate. Flowers just make everything more fun, especially Homecoming. After the shoot, we went for coffee and sweets; I definitely felt like I was off to a school dance with my corsage. 

I made the corsage in markedly not Cornell colors but still in honor of Cornell. Red and white. My partner belonged to a fraternity, Mu Lambda Sigma, better known on campus as the Milts. This year marks their 150th anniversary. As any and all Milts will tell you without provocation, they are indeed the oldest organization on campus. Starting out as the Miltonian Literary Society and founded by Dean H.H. Freer in 1871, it evolved into the fraternity I know and love. I had really hoped to spend the Milt’s 150th anniversary on campus, but alas, I did not. 

Not only was my partner a Milt, he introduced me to actives and alum, many became close friends. The fraternity is and was important to me because these were men who created a space for me to exist with the knowledge that I was safe. They protected me and nurtured me. They taught me men could be good, kind, and gentle. I didn’t have to fear these men. I was able to reset my gut and learn to trust it for the first time in my life because of these men. Truly, I have been able to go out into the world and trust men directly because of my partner and the Milts. I am forever grateful to the goofiest group of dudes. So the corsage is as much in honor of my partner as it is in honor of each Milt who loved me at Cornell. Goodness, do I miss them. So much. 

Happy Homecoming, Cornell. I miss the good times and am thankful for the bad. 

bisous und обьятий,
RaeAnna

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11..., Lifestyle

11… Habits I’m Trying to Re-Form This Summer

RaeAnna
A picture I took of Beau and I even before COVID and the puppy invasion… We were hiding from responsibilities then, and I we didn’t know what was coming yet.

Rescuing Tess, raising thirteen puppies, keeping four, dealing with rare doggy disorders, and surviving the pandemic did not ruin my life. BUT it did give me a really good reason to put off all my good habits. 

In my defense, I’ve been busy. 

The reality: I am no longer motivated to do all the good things I had been consistently doing in my life before becoming a pack mama. That’s right, I’m no longer a dog mom. I am a pack mama, which I can only equate to the feeling of being the very stressed Polar Express conductor as it mercilessly careens across the ice. If you haven’t seen the movie, the Polar Express does safely make it across the frozen lake… I think I see land. 

Back to my point. I had been working on developing really solid, unbreakable, healthy habits for myself in 2019 and 2020. Then Tess arrived. Then puppies arrived. Then COVID arrived. Then life stopped. Not stopped, slowed, drastically. Life changed very suddenly in very concrete ways. I stopped doing so many things I had worked really hard at doing on a regular if not daily basis. 

I had the goal of having a consistent routine before I turned 30. Hello, 30. You came exactly when you were supposed to, and yet I was completely unprepared. I wanted a routine of healthy and good habits before I turned 30 because it seemed like a good milestone. Creating a lifestyle is hard, but once it’s been done, maintaining it becomes a lot easier. I wanted to have a lifestyle I could maintain with relative ease by the time I hit 30. 

In a way, I did! Not the lifestyle I want, but an easy one to maintain. Wake up. Feed and let the dogs out. Work. Read. Eat. Enjoy exorbitant couch time with the dogs. See very few people. Sleep. These are easy things. A very manageable lifestyle, but not the one I want. 

I’m actively living my best life… aka not wearing any pants and barely managing to keep the dogs alive.

So this summer is about reforming the habits I lost in 2020 and maybe even forming some new ones!

  1. Exercise I don’t like exercise. Actually, I quite loathe it. But moving is so important. It helps just about everything. From sleep to mental acuity to aging to mood. Exercise is the key. I’m not looking to lose weight or really even change the way my body looks, I’m good with all that, but I put in the effort for my mind. My mind is the most important thing, the thing I love best about myself, the thing I want to maintain for the entirety of my life. Moving, exercise is the way to do just that. I am going to get back into doing yoga and pilates and barre and ballet. I slowed down because of the dogs, but I stopped when I got COVID. My lungs are starting to get back to a place where moving is an option again.
  2. Writing Book Critiques As a blogger with a big focus on books… I have done very little book critiquing even though I’ve been reading very regularly. I need to write like it’s my job… Oh wait, it is.
  3. Sticking to My Diet This isn’t a diet that I want to stick to. It’s a diet I need to stick to. I have a whole lot of pretty serious health issues. Staying on my diet can be hard and inconvenient and unfun, but it helps my body continue doing its job, which is staying alive. I fell out of being really strict about it because with everything going on it was just another thing on top of all the other things, and so I stopped being diligent. 
  4. Not Turning On the TV I used to be so good at waking up and not turning on the TV. Once I turn that sucker on, I have a hard time extricating myself from it. I started turning the TV on in the morning while the puppies played. I couldn’t leave them alone because they were very chewy. So TV was the easiest way to keep an eye on them without being distracted. So I’m going to start waking up and not turning the damn TV on.
  5. Maintaining A Sleep Schedule I lost my sleep schedule because of the puppies. I’ve always been bad about maintaining sleep patterns anyways; I do whatever my body wants. The problem: with my unfortunate health issues, sleep is essential. So I need to sleep regularly and enough even when my body and brain don’t feel like it, which is always.
  6. Reaching Out On Birthdays and Anniversaries I was pretty good at remembering birthdays and anniversaries for friends and family with cards. 2020 ruined that. I need to be better about it again.
  7. Getting Dressed I haven’t had many reasons to get dressed let alone get dressed up in 2020 or 2021… Or really since 2016 when I moved to Houston and became a full-time freelance writer. I love getting dressed up and wearing all the pretty clothes I’ve spent too many monies on. So I’m going to work on taking the few extra minutes to put effort into the way I look again. I do miss it. 
  8. Journaling This is not something I have ever done. As a writer, I’m a weirdo. I don’t like journaling. As a writer, I think it’s important. I’m also hoping it will help me process my anxieties, depression, life, and all those other things. 
  9. Going for Walks I used to go for walks with Beau and/or friends on a regular basis. I love walks because they get me out of the house and let me be in nature. I’ve always enjoyed walks. Plus this will help me leash train the puppies. Having a backyard has not beneficial to leash training. 
  10. Seeing Friends Again COVID really put a dent in my social life. I have missed so many friends because of social distancing and staying inside. I’m hoping as more and more people get the vaccine and restrictions are lifted, I can start seeing my people again. They’re wonderful and I miss them all.
  11. Working Regularly I used to be a bit of a workaholic. I worked a lot. Like a whole shitload. After the puppies were born and COVID affected a giant percentage of my clients, I have only been working the bare minimum. If I don’t have to do it. I don’t. This is not getting me ahead in any ways. Being a workaholic isn’t necessarily sustainable but neither is being a couch schlub. I need to find a balance between the two. 

I started slowly adding some of these habits into my life after the New Year to varying success. Starting small with the ones that are sustainable. I know I can’t make huge and sustainable lifestyle changes and immediately jump back to and improve upon what my life was before the puppies and COVID. That will only end up with nothing at all changing. I’m working on slowly adding the changes and habits in, guilt free. I’m giving myself grace to fail and sit in front of the TV for a day because change and habits don’t happen overnight. But I’m striving to do better, be consistent, show up, and work at getting into a new normal. Life will never be what it was with only one dog. That’s okay, I don’t want it to be, but I also can’t continue being a bare minimum human. 

bisous und обьятий,
RaeAnna

In My Own Words, Lifestyle

In Seven Days, I Turn 30 Years Old

RaeAnna

This past year has been quite the year. So long!

I turned twenty-nine. 

I rescued a dog, who had thirteen puppies. 

I raised those puppies and that dog in the midst of a global pandemic while depending on the kindness of family and friends as we bought a house as we dealt with rare puppy disorders as we coped with Dylan losing his job as my work slowed down to a near halt as we criss-crossed the country. 

Me living my life.

For the first three months of the pandemic, I was stuck inside with fifteen dogs, of which thirteen were completely dependent upon their mama and me. I was run ragged to the point of complete exhaustion. My body was even starting to give out under the physical strain of toting around thirteen large puppies. 

As a constant struggler of anxiety, depression, PTSD, and in a perpetual nihilistic crisis, it was not an ideal time to be trapped inside with me, myself, and my multiple internal narratives of doom for company. 

Now, I work from home under normal circumstances, so I am very used to my own company. I used to joke about never leaving the house, but that’s not nearly true. I was always on the go. Having lunch with friends, traveling, going to dog parks, attending events, exploring fun Houston things, creating content, and so much more. My calendar and life were filled with talented people who inspire me. 

Everything changed. The puppies gave me a brief respite. They’ve helped alleviate the catastrophic train wreck that would have been my mental health with their pure existence in my life. But during the pandemic, I’ve felt like I’m watching my impending quarter-life crisis trundling right at me for all of the reasons: imagined and real. 

I turn thirty in one week. I am not one of those women who are scared of turning thirty. In fact, I quite embrace it. The vast majority of me is so ready to be out of my twenties. Those really sucked a big D. I’ve gone so far as to preemptively tell people I’m thirty for the last few months because why the fuck not. At the same time, thirty does come with its fair share of burdens.

As a woman, this is an age where culture, society, the media are persistently confronting me with an alarm clock ticking down the time left on my worth to and in this world. 

I feel like time is running out. I’m almost thirty. Society is a barrage that, as a woman, life ends at thirty. I know it doesn’t. So far all the women I know over thirty have not ceased to exist when their 10,957 day arrived. But, no matter how hard I’ve tried, I can’t help internalizing all the cues telling me life as I know it is over for me and, in a week, I’ll be shipped off to the glue factor with last month’s Kentucky Derby winner—who even remembers that horse anyways. I think if we took the part where I had to age in society out of the equation, I wouldn’t care at all. If I could hermit á la Michel de Montaigne circa 1571, I don’t think I would give a rats ass about aging and this post wouldn’t exist at all. Unfortunately, I must be of this world.

Me wearing the bikini and being all but thirty in this world because I can and will and won’t stop.

I would be 100% lying to you if I said, “I have not ended up covered in snot crying on the kitchen floor being held by my partner as the dogs try to figure out what’s wrong with their seemingly resilient mama because I’m getting older and the world will stop looking at me and stop caring because I have a gray hair (I haven’t found one yet; that’s not a lie) and the hints of forehead wrinkles so none of my big dreams will come true because they haven’t come to fruition yet and all this work has been for naught and fucking life is hard.” That would be a lie. It would be a lie if I said it didn’t happen at regular intervals over the last two years. I’m not scared of getting older, but I’m scared of how the world will treat me as I get older. The world hasn’t been kind to me for the first thirty years when I was apparently worth something, so how the hell is it going to be for the next seventy years? Society tells me: not great. 

Life is terrifying. There is so much to process, handle, solve, enjoy, escape, see, do, taste, smell, and avoid all the time; honestly, I love each and every one of those pieces of living life. But being an aging woman is just terrifying. I know it’s different for me than it was for my mother and grandmothers, but things haven’t changed so much that wrinkles and grays and numbers don’t matter in the world. They do. And I don’t really care for anyone to tell me otherwise because my entire life all I’ve ever been validated for is my looks and what that means for my place in the world. The marriage I could make, the doors that will open, the way life will be “easier” because I was tall, thin, fair. So for me and my life experience, the moment my boobs start to droop, my waistline starts to expand, my hair starts to thin, my skin starts to slacken, what will I be? Who will care? It doesn’t matter and has never mattered that I’m intelligent, well-spoken, a linguist, possess a wicked wit, kind, giving, accepting, an activist, a writer, a creative, a critic, a dog mom, a friend, and all the other things that actually make me me and interesting and complex. My existence has always and almost solely been validated and made worthy by the way I look. 

Who I am has always just been a positive addendum to the way I look. 

I have never liked close up portraits. My teeth are funny. My nose is weird. I’m hyper critical of everything. As I get older, I see the lines, the pores, the acne that had never been there, everything. But if I don’t take them now, I never will, and I’ll look back and say, “damnit, I should have.” And I don’t do regret.

So… I love getting older. I’m wiser, funnier, smarter, humbler, more experienced, a better listener, a better talker, a deeper thinker than I was at twenty. I think I’m cuter, but that’s probably because I know how to do my makeup better. I truly and completely love getting older. Life is so much better than it was twenty years ago, ten years ago, a year ago. I know myself more completely. I am happier at a week away from thirty than I was at a week away from twenty. 

But… I’m scared of getting older. I don’t know how the world will treat me. I know how the world has treated women. I know how I want the world to treat women. And goddamnit, I have the audacity to age like the women who’ve come before me.

Now… I can only do one thing. Wake up tomorrow and keep on living my life. I’m going to moisturize and exercise—sometimes, infrequently, it will become a habit—to fight off aging physically, emotionally, but most of all mentally. More than anything, I’m going to keep working on my dreams. I’m going to keep creating new dreams. I’m going to strive for happiness. I’m going to live my life fully and enthusiastically surrounded by weirdos who love life and me. I’m going to support women and be everyone’s cheerleader. I’m going to be kind and find beauty in my body as it changes with the days and years I have ahead of me. I’m going to write. I’m going to lift up women’s voices of all ages because the world needs to remember that we women continue to evolve not stagnate. I’m going to tell my stories because I have seventy more years of stories, and I’ve hardly started on telling the first thirty years. My life isn’t over. I’m not done living. I will age with audacity.

bisous und обьятий,
RaeAnna

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