RaeAnna + A Nerdy Lifestyle
Sometimes, I write things that I think come close to explaining how I feel without being too much or too little and hits the right balance of darkly realistic and funny. Sometimes, I write things that make me think, hmmm... maybe I'll be good at this one day. Anxiety says, "Simmer down, god complex."
Life has been a traumatic, but I've put a lot of work into healing so I can be good to myself so I can be a good human to everyone. Even in the worst times when I had no control over my life, I had control over my body... I'd been restricted before with everything from a torn ACL to sprained feet; as a dancer, injuries happened. This. A broken dominant hand as a writer is very different. I felt like I was slowly dying.
I have not so slowly or subtly been losing my Christmas spirit over the last few years. I've gone from Lady Buddy the Elf to the only reason I have a Christmas tree is because someone else made it happen.
"To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering." Friedrich Nietzsche
In a week, I turn 30. I'm very much looking forward to it, but a small part of me is dreading it. Society deems women of a certain age unworthy of... everything, and I am now about to be a woman of a certain age. There are so many exciting things about aging, but my existence has always and almost solely been validated for the way I look. Who I am is just a bonus to the way I look for the man I'll one day trap/catch. The world has told me so many things about aging and my existence in the world. I would be lying if I said I hadn't ended up on the kitchen floor in a full on panic attack about aging in society.
I pooped my pants today. Not kidding. It's not something we're supposed to talk about, but it's part of my life due to health issues. So it got me thinking about the ways life is being difficult right now.