RaeAnna + A Nerdy Lifestyle
Sometimes, I write things that I think come close to explaining how I feel without being too much or too little and hits the right balance of darkly realistic and funny. Sometimes, I write things that make me think, hmmm... maybe I'll be good at this one day. Anxiety says, "Simmer down, god complex."
Life has been a traumatic, but I've put a lot of work into healing so I can be good to myself so I can be a good human to everyone. Even in the worst times when I had no control over my life, I had control over my body... I'd been restricted before with everything from a torn ACL to sprained feet; as a dancer, injuries happened. This. A broken dominant hand as a writer is very different. I felt like I was slowly dying.
It's not the first time I've driven myself to the airport. It won't be the last. But I was supposed to have a ride, instead my abandonment issues went nuts at 3:30 this morning.
Life has taught me to keep people at a distance, to not trust, to not depend, to not open myself up. People have seldomly shown themselves to be worthy of trust, and so I live a guarded life, involving as few people as possible and relying on others with extreme rarity. I have subconsciously programmed my existence to avoid actions and circumstances that encourage and form intimacy between myself and another human. I recently started ruminating on what these things are, and I came up with a list longer than eleven, but these are a good start.
I have not so slowly or subtly been losing my Christmas spirit over the last few years. I've gone from Lady Buddy the Elf to the only reason I have a Christmas tree is because someone else made it happen.
"To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering." Friedrich Nietzsche