11..., In My Own Words, Lifestyle

11… Tidbits of Life I Avoid At All Costs

Life has taught me to keep people at a distance, to not trust, to not depend, to not open myself up. People have seldomly shown themselves to be worthy of trust, and so I live a guarded life, involving as few people as possible and relying on others with extreme rarity. I have subconsciously programmed my existence to avoid actions and circumstances that encourage and form intimacy between myself and another human. I recently started ruminating on what these things are, and I came up with a list longer than eleven, but these are a good start.

In My Own Words, Lifestyle

I Am Not Trauma Bonding

I am not trauma bonding. I will give the rundown of my past to new people in my life because I want them to find out the violence I've endured from me and not a tweet or Instagram post. It feels like the polite thing to do.

In My Own Words, Lifestyle

What Self Worth?

Self worth is something I place a high priority on... in other people. It doesn't even exist in my emotional vernacular. The entirety of my life, my worth has based on my appearance and what I can provide to others. Worth and love have always been transactional. I'm no innocent, but I have been left to fend for myself, scrounging for and happily accepting any love, even if all the only love I can find has been coupled with abuse and rape.