Tag: Quarantine

11..., Lifestyle

11… Ways I’m Forgiving Myself

RaeAnna

I can’t believe a third of the year has already passed us by. I was really hoping to make some positive changes in my life within 2021’s first few months. Unfortunately, I have been struggling to even come up with a modicum of productivity. 

Just out here looking for forgiveness…. | Black Dress |

I am going to lay a lot of that blame at COVID’s figurative feet. Not just COVID existing in the world. I haven’t talked about it on this platform yet, but COVID entered my home right after Christmas. My partner ended up in the hospital for three weeks and on oxygen for another three. I really struggled to make it through the worst parts of it myself. More than three months later, we’re both dealing with the aftermath of COVID. Breathing is still difficult. I get fatigued so easily. Life has slowed down significantly as we recover. I am not able to go-go-go the way I like to or am used to. So a lot of things fell by the wayside. Pretty much anything that has not been an absolute necessity has gone untended, and even some of the necessities. So fuck you, COVID, my year could have been better without you!

There has been more and more talk of self-care in the world. Self-care looks different from person to person. I’m really the last person to talk about it because I’m really bad at doing it myself. So this is not a post about that. But in my effort to be kinder to myself and try to reduce some of my mental load and anxieties, I’m going to extend eleven forgivenesses from me to me in an effort of self-care and self-preservation. 

I’m also forgiving myself for not posting this last week/yesterday like I had planned on… because I ran out of time and the physical ability to get it done the day after Easter/yesterday I decided to clean the entire house/the dogs/disinfect dog boxes, which is a chore.

Sending myself flowers as an apology to me. (from Amanda Bee’s because duh)
  1. I forgive myself for the stack of books I’ve read and not reviewed. This sounds trivial, but a huge part of …on the B.L. is book reviews. I started out as a book blogger, and though I don’t identify solely as a book blogger, it’s still an integral part of my platform and life. I quite literally majored in reading real good. Having been depressed, anxiety riddled, and ill for the last year, I’ve done a lot of reading and very little reviewing. So I forgive myself for not reviewing. I couldn’t do it. I did not have the mental bandwidth to write more than I absolutely had to. So instead of writing all the backlog reviews, I’m going to write reviews for the ones I really want to write reviews for. I will do a big post about all the ones I’ve read and am not reviewing; partially because I really like some of the pictures taken. Going forward, I will try—try being the operative word—to write about all the books I’m reading. 
  2. I forgive myself for getting COVID. I have a lot of guilt about this. Dylan and I have been so extremely careful, and yet it entered our home and almost took his life—and mine but I’m ignoring the severity of my own situation. I feel shame over having COVID. Like I need to keep it a secret and not talk about it. I don’t know why I feel this way, but I do. 
  3. I forgive myself for ordering out. I love cooking, but I have found no joy in it the past  several months. So I have found myself ordering in a lot. Like a lot a lot. Like too much. I take solace in the fact I’m supporting small businesses who are struggling to survive through COVID.
  4. I forgive myself for not exercising. I can blame COVID for this one. I had been in a really good habit of exercising [semi]frequently, but then COVID hit my lungs. I’m still having a hard time getting up and going, so exercise has gone by the wayside for now.
  5. I forgive myself for having a short fuse. My fuse has been short for a whole BUNCH of reasons. I wish I had more patience right now, but I don’t. At this point, my patience is being reserved for the dogs. The people who have to deal with my fuse, or lack thereof, understand and are being incredibly understanding. But the dogs don’t have the same ability to understand mommy’s shortcomings and humanity, so I give them all my patience because I’m not going to make them neurotic with my frustrations.   
  6. I forgive myself for not writing. I write for a living both as a freelance writer and for this blog. I love it. I really love my job, and I feel incredibly lucky to get paid to do something that interests and stimulates me every day. But the things I want to dive into and explore more on the blog take a lot of emotional exploration and inevitably lead to breakdowns and breakthroughs, and I love that, but it’s hard. In a year where I’ve raised and gave away puppies while going through a pandemic… I haven’t been able to go there. So, I am forgiving myself for that because it does me no good to dwell on what I haven’t accomplished. 
  7. I forgive myself for not socializing the puppies more. After buying a house, the need to socialize the puppies at the dog park decreased because I have a backyard. They don’t need to play at the dog park the way Beau did when she was an only dog living in an apartment. They have tons of playmates and the space to be rambunctious ding dongs. I still feel bad that they haven’t had that experience but a) we’ve been staying in because of COVID b) socializing five dogs—four puppies—is a lot of work and I didn’t have it in me. 
  8. I forgive myself for not working as much. This isn’t completely my fault, but I could’ve done more to work more. The pandemic hit my work load hard because my clients were hit hard. So the work dwindled. In a way, that was a blessing; it gave me time to raise puppies, rest, and not work when I had COVID. 
  9. I forgive myself for not sending Thank You cards last year on my birthday. I ALWAYS send Thank You cards when I get presents. My 29th birthday landed in the beginning of a pandemic but also in the middle of raising thirteen very needy puppies. I had no time…. And it fell by the wayside. I’m trying not to feel bad about that. 
  10. I forgive myself for being a lesser friend. I try to be a good friend. I try to show up, stay in touch, reach out, send notes, get together, and all those good things. In 2020 and 2021, so far, I have been a lesser friend. I feel bad, but I couldn’t be there for people the way I like to be. 
  11. I forgive myself for putting myself, my happiness, my mental health first. I’m not used to putting me first. And I’m terrible at asking other people to make me a priority, treat me well, give and not just take, and more. I’m not good at demanding the respect I deserve. No one taught me that. So at 29, I’m trying to be better about only accepting and keeping people in my life who are good for me. 

bisous und обьятий,
RaeAnna

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Blog + Dog, In My Own Words, Lifestyle

Isolation Creation

RaeAnna
I love being surrounded by my new rescue babies.

One of my favorite people to follow on instagram is Jamick Beck. She’s a brilliant photographer and a lovely human to watch live her life through my phone screen. She lives in the South of France. During quarantine she worked on an Isolation Creation project, where she created a beautiful photograph every day and documented it on social media with the hashtag #isolationcreation. It was so inspiring, and I loved following along. 

Social media has been flooded with all these amazing people creating amazing things with their newfound freetime. They are really living out #isolationcreation. I love it. My quarantine feels like the opposite: A vacuum where creativity and productivity have ceased to exist. I have been in quarantine (to the best of my ability) since the middle of March. 

Now is not the time to be trapped inside my house with me, myself, and my multiple internal narratives of doom for company. My anxiety is having anxiety over how much anxiety I have over being anxious about everything. On top of it, my depression has been a raging ball of sadness and defeat. It’s an excellent combination for sustaining minimal productivity and an endless drowning sensation. 

My sweet Duke wasn’t supposed to stay, but here he is furever.

On the surface, my everyday life has not drastically changed. I work from home and don’t have tons of reasons to leave the house. I used to travel a few times a month, and I was always bopping out to have lunch with friends or grab a coffee with someone or something in the world. None of that has happened, which is good for health reasons. 

My quarantine has not included any of the things I would have liked it to include. Considering I can’t travel or leave the house and work has substantially slowed down, I should have time to do so many things. But not true. I have not written my book or even a short story. I’ve not even tended to my blog, which is my job. I don’t read the way I should be. Nothing that needs to be done is getting done. Nothing I want done is getting done. I’m existing in this space of doing the bare minimum. Here’s what the bare minimum has consisted of for me over the last few months:

  • Finding a dog, helping her have thirteen puppies, bottle feeding them, making sure they go to the vet every few weeks, emergency vet trips, finding them REALLY good furever homes, keeping them safe, and sending them to their furever homes. (I’m exhausted just thinking about it all again.)
  • Finding and buying a house. (The literal worst.)
  • Moving cross-country with all the dogs because the house situation took longer because of COVID and we were trying to… 
  • Not be homeless.
  • Working on the few projects that came my way. (So slow… who needs a writer?)
  • Sleeping whenever I could, which was hardly never.
  • Moving back across the country with the dogs to…
  • Finally move into the house.
  • Unpacking the house… Unpacking the necessary things; still working on the unnecessary bits. 
  • Battling my anxiety and depression. 
  • Fixing the house because it was NOT in the shape it was supposed to be in.  
Makeda front and center where she likes to be. They loved laying in the laundry basket. Don’t ask me why.

Productivity and efficiency are my main modes of existing. I hate doing nothing. I hate inefficiency. I hate wasting time. In my mind, nothing has been productive or efficient during quarantine. It’s wrong. I know I have been productive and as efficient as one can be with puppies considering the circumstances of COVID-19, fifteen dogs, moving, and not living in my own house for two and a half months. There’s this anxiety/depression monster that lives in my stomach (head but I feel it in my stomach) telling me I’m the fucking worst and I could do more and be better and why is nothing done the way it could be??? The last four months have not been my ideal version of productivity. When I see time where I’m just sitting, that’s time I could have been working, unpacking, or doing something with my life to achieve my dreams in any and all the ways. I could have done more during quarantine, but I also couldn’t have. I’m dealing with life, puppies, work being slow, COVID, anxiety, depression, and that’s my version of #isolationcreation. 

This was my cue they were done playing and wanted to go in for a nap.

Instead of creating art or finding my love of needle point (I’m actually already not bad at that) or getting in shape or learning how to speak Urdu, I’ve been creating fourteen healthy lives. My #isolationcreation is the puppies and their mama. I took her and the thirteen puppies in during a really difficult time. I made sure she had everything she needed before, during, and after the birth. We almost lost her, but we didn’t. I’m working on getting her healthy – she has already come such a long way. We were told to only expect eight puppies to live, but all thirteen are alive, happy, and healthy. There were several puppies who needed extra attention because they were small, weak, and/or sick. They made it through and are living their best lives. Nine found their perfect homes. Four are stuck with me, two of which have special needs (I call them my miracle boys), but I know they’ll be taken care of. They are almost potty trained. They know how to sit and stay. They’re well behaved and wonderful to be around. They’re the image of health, and they’re growing like crazy. They bring me joy and keep me busy. Life is never dull.

I’m hard on myself, but I always have been. Struggling is my main form of existing right now [always], but I’ve created good where there was sadness during quarantine. I didn’t create beautiful artwork for the world to enjoy like Jamie Beck, but I created something intangibly beautiful for the puppies and their furever families. I did what I could, and I hope it was enough.  

bisous und обьятий,
RaeAnna

I did my very best for them, and I loved watching them grow and change.
#isolationcreation
11..., Lifestyle

11… Ways COVID-19 Has Affected My Life

RaeAnna

This is not a complaining post. In comparison to so many people around the world, the pandemic and quarantine has gone very well for me and my family. That being said, we have been affected in some highly significant ways. It has been difficult, but we’re staying optimistic, and I’m surrounded by my quaranteam aka thirteen puppies and their mama. 

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Dad and I giving the puppies attention in Ames, Iowa.

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Getting my puppy love on!

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  1. I’m homeless. A very long story will come about this because I truly have no idea what is going to happen right now. 
  2. The puppies, Tess, and I are living with my parents in Iowa for the near future because we have nowhere else to go. 
  3. I went six weeks without making a single penny. When it comes to spending money, people don’t like to hire writers/creatives during financially problematic times. (Luckily, it’s slowly – very – starting to come back.)
  4. Like millions of others across the country and around the world, my boyfriend lost his job.
  5. Having a sick rescue and a litter of puppies means lots and lots of visits to the vet. I have not been able to go into the vet appointments with them since their first week check… two and a half months ago. It’s harder on Tess than the puppies because she gets so scared I’m going to leave her every time she is dropped off. It’s been very hard on her anxiety.
  6. Beau is gaining weight and getting irritable because she can’t go to the dog park.
  7. I wasn’t able to watch my best friend or little sister graduate from their Master’s program and Bachelor’s degree respectively. It breaks my heart for them and me; I can’t be their obnoxious cheerleader in the crowd screaming their name as they walk across the stage even though we’re not supposed to. 
  8. I haven’t been able to see Beau regularly in a long time because she’s staying with her dad so I have one less thing on my plate. I miss her dearly, and I think she is mad at me for leaving her.
  9. The blog and the Instagram are being neglected because finding content creation inspiration is hard when I’m stuck at home constantly… My home isn’t that cute! I need some pictures for this damnit!!!
  10. I was stuck in the car for 974 miles with thirteen puppies and a grown dog. That translates to a fifteen hour car ride, which was extended to twenty-one hours because dogs…. It was far more disgusting than you’re even imagining. Horrible. I will have to do it again, and I’m dreading it. 
  11. Last but not least, a positive: I have read so many books! So there’s been a positive impact on my reading list.

bisous und обьятий,
RaeAnna

11..., Lifestyle

11… Reasons Amanda is Amazing and Perfection

RaeAnna

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Posing with the puppies in Amanda’s backyard in our matching Bee Kind shirts. | Floral Shorts |

I met Amanda because of my blog. She is a florist and business owner — of Amanda Bee’s Floral Design, the best florist in town and probably the country — in Houston. Almost two years ago, she reached out to me because she wanted to do a collaboration. A few days after corresponding by email, she showed up on my doorstep with a big bouquet of flowers. We chatted for five minutes, and in that time frame, she said “We’re going to be friends.” I found out she only lived eight minutes away from me, a happy coincidence. A week later, we went out for lunch. That evening, I ended up in an alley, changing into wedding dresses for a really fun photo shoot to showcase her floral designs.
We’ve been inseparable ever since.
Amanda has become more than a friend over the last two years; she’s family. We’ve spent holidays together, gone on vacation, hosted game nights, baked, learned from each other, helped, vented, met each other’s families, and a plethora of other very weird and oddly specific things. We have made her husband and my boyfriend become friends because they don’t have any other option. She is Beau’s godmother and has done innumerable things to help take care of Beau when I’ve been out of town or just need a backyard to get the zoomies out.
Houston would not be the place it is without her. I have come to depend on her in so many ways. She even helped bring the puppies into this world because I was unable to. I am a better person because she is in my life. We can adventure together or sit on the couch and do nothing together.
I have started referring to Amanda as my personal Patron Saint. She shows up even when I don’t know I need her. She stayed with Tess while we were waiting for the puppies to arrive. Not only did she help bring all thirteen puppies into the world, she has opened up her home to all of us.
I live in an apartment. The apartment has a two pets per home policy… I am, currently, thirteen over that limit. My parents offered to let me, Tess, and all the puppies stay with them in Iowa. The problem: That’s a sixteen hour drive (nonstop) with THIRTEEN very, very, very young puppies. Oh, and I’d have to drive them all those sixteen hours back to Houston. Amanda and Andrew, her husband, opened up their home to me, Tess, and the puppies. She cleared out an entire room for the puppies to stay in and one for me. It’s not even for a short amount of time. We’re here for a LONG time during a pandemic and quarantine. I can’t imagine how inconvenient it is to have fourteen dogs and an extra person around 24/7. They offered without hesitation or provocation. They have been an absolute blessing. I truly do not know what I would do without their kindness. It’s an immense gift they’ve given me, and I will be baking them yum-yums forever and in the after life.
Anyways. Here are eleven reasons Amanda is one of my closest friends and an incredible human being.

  1. She always shows up with a smile and a helping hand.
  2. Flowers. So many flowers. Having a florist friend is amazing, and she’s so talented.
  3. Her sense of humor is perfectly matched to my own. We’re always laughing.
  4. She loves board games as much as I do. Maybe more.
  5. We can adventure together.
  6. She’s smart. So, so smart. She has Bachelor of Arts in Horticulture with an emphasis in Floral Design and Event Planning and a Minor in Entomology. (She will kill all the bugs for me and plant my garden. No joke. It happens.) She has a wealth of knowledge on the natural world. It’s so fun listening to her talk about her job and gardening and plants and even bugs. If I want to know what a flower or plant is, I send her a picture, and she texts me the answer within seconds. She has taught me about slugs and butterflies and lots of other things I’ve blocked out of my bug-hating mind. I have my very own natural dictionary.
  7. It drives me bonkers how humble she is. She is absolutely incredible, smart, fascinating, and more, but she has no idea!
  8. Her sense of style and aesthetic is incredible. Honestly, I want to show everyone her house, and I have brought many people over. I always want to show people how amazing she is and what she can do; her house is such a pure reflection of everything she is.
  9. Kindness is at the heart of everything she does. There are few people who possess a similar depth of kindness, altruism, and understanding. It’s unending and radiant. Being around Amanda is calming and invigorating because she makes you feel like you’re the most important person.
  10. You would be hard pressed to find a better cheerleader.
  11. She’s effortlessly cool in her own unique brand of unapologetically and perfectly weird.
  12. *Bonus* She’s proud of who she is and stands up for what she believes in. I may not agree with all of her beliefs, but I respect her, which is far more important and much harder to earn.

I could write a much longer list than eleven (twelve) things about all the reasons Amanda is wonderful. I think it’s impossible for anyone to dislike her, but I might be biased, and if you do dislike her, what did you do to deserve her wrath?
Even if this blog disappeared tomorrow, I would be forever grateful it brought us together. She was a blessing two years ago and has continued to be one every day, ever since. I don’t know if it was luck or fate, but whatever it was, I feel lucky she knocked on my door and told me we would be friends.
I am proud to call her a friend. I am honored to call her family.

bisous und обьятий,
RaeAnna

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In My Own Words, Lifestyle

Due Date-Versary

RaeAnna

If my body had done what it was supposed to five years ago, I would be throwing a quarantine birthday party for my five year-old son or daughter right now. 

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Instead, I’m cuddling my new babies. | Texas Shirt | Yoga Pants | Earrings | Chair |

Having children has never ever been a part of my life plan. Being a mother is not something I have ever craved. It has been something I’ve avoided like the plague. When I am sexually active, I obsessively avoid getting pregnant by using birth control and condoms. I’ve even gotten Plan B when condoms break because NOPE. I have enough money set aside to take care of problems if need be. I’m that kind of person. 

I was that kind of person when I found out I was thirteen weeks pregnant in early fall of 2014. Miracles happen, I guess. It was too late to do anything about being pregnant. I was pregnant. I was going to be a mom. I was very much alone in my soon-to-be-parenting party. It hit me like a truck. I started planning and dreaming and getting excited because that was the only option, so I embraced it. Then, I had a miscarriage. I was mostly devastated. Relief came several weeks later as the tears slowed and the dreams faded.  

As the years go by, the feelings are less poignant; the hurt is less sharp; the dreams are hazier. I still get sad. Sometimes, I even cry when I watch kids movies. Every once in a while, I think about what my life would look like had my body not failed at one of its main biologically female tasks. As ready as I was financially, in my career, and at that point in my life, I had never planned on being a mom. Five years later, my feelings have not changed: I’m sad and relieved. Those feelings can go together. You can be sorrowfully content with a miscarriage. You don’t have to have just one feeling. You are allowed to feel all the feelings whatever they are, no matter how at odds they may be with one another. It does not make you less of a woman. It does not make you less of a mother. It does not make you less of anything. It makes you a complex human, who is coping with a really difficult physical, mental, and medical situation. 

Miscarriages are rarely talked about. That is starting to change as women speak about women’s issues more and more openly. Thank you to all the women on social media who are deciding to be vulnerable and honest about the crap we go through. When miscarriages are talked about, it’s usually about how overwhelmingly sad and painful they are. They are. I’m not going to lie to you about that. It’s true. It sucks. It’s sad. It’s the worst. There can also be some real positives coming out of miscarriages. They’re not apparent at first, but over the months and years as your mind and body heal, things start to look and feel better. 

The majority of miscarriages happen because, for whatever reason, the body knows the baby shouldn’t come into the world for one biological reason or another. You can do everything right starting months before conception and still have a miscarriage. (Granted that was not me. Accident baby. Although, I didn’t really do much wrong.) Miscarriages happen. They happen for almost always good reasons. All babies are perfect, but not all babies are meant for this world. 

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Loving the babies I have on this sad day. | Texas Shirt | Yoga Pants | Earrings |

Positives of miscarriages differ from person to person. One thing I can say for everyone, the life we have in this moment is not at all the life we would have had had that baby come into the world. For some of us, that’s a bad thing. For some of us, that’s a good thing. For some of us, it’s just a thing. I have an incredible life. I wouldn’t change it for the world. I would, under no circumstance, have this life with a five year old. 

I would not…

  • have the boyfriend I have now.
  • had the freedom to quit my corporate job, the stable paycheck, the benefits. 
  • be a freelance writer and blogger.
  • be able to sit on the couch and do nothing for hours on end. 
  • live in Houston.
  • travel as much or the way I do.
  • have Beau in my life.
  • have been able to pick Tess up off the side of the road.
  • have the time, energy, or money to take care of thirteen puppies.
  • have found or reconnected with my truest passions in life.
  • be chasing my wild, crazy, unrealistic dreams.
  • have the friends I do.
  • walk around pantless all the time.
  • read as much as I do.
  • stay up late doing whatever the fuck I want to whenever the fuck I want to.
  • have the body I do.
  • have a savings account with money in it specifically for travel (which happens often) and/or buying things I decide I need right now (which never happens, but it’s nice to know it’s there). 
  • be me the way I am right now.

I have no idea what my life would look like had Paeton Rae been born. I know I would have a corporate job with good benefits and a salary high enough to pay for everything she/he/their needs and wants and for us to go on a family vacation once a year. I know there would be a bedtime, healthy snacks, play dates, trips to the park, time outs, library trips, tantrums, snuggles, bedtime reading, dance parties, messes, and a lot of other things my life does not have right now. I would have loved that life for what it was, but that was never my dream. I never had to make the decision to not be pregnant, to not be a mom; my body did that for me. I was sad. I am sad. I miss the life I could have had and holding the baby I never got to hold. 

But. 

I love my life. I see the blessing the sadness of my miscarriage was. I see all the opportunities and possibilities my life still has in store for me that would not have been possible as a single mom to a five year old. 

bisous und обьятий,
RaeAnna

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11..., Lifestyle

11… Coronavirus Quarantine Activities

RaeAnna

Oh 2020… You have not begun the way I was hoping. Coronavirus has hit the world in pandemic proportions. With social distancing and quarantining being the thing to do, I figured I would share some wisdom when you’re stuck at home. 

My life has changed very little because of quarantining and social distancing. Working from home, being an extreme introvert, and having a very tiny social life means I don’t leave the house all that much. I have become quite the connoisseur of staying in. I’m quite the indoorsy lady. Beau misses the dog park, but she doesn’t mind the extra cuddles I’m able to give her because of my sluggish work schedule.

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Posing with my quaranteam! | Sweatshirt | Yoga Pants | Chair | Ottoman | Blanket |

  1. Read a book. This requires nothing but a cup of tea and a book. Dog cuddles make the activity even better. 
  2. Play board games. My personal favorite is Scrabble; it’s good for the brain; it’s good for the competitive spirit; it’s good fun.
  3. Have sex or masterbate. Whatever. Enjoy your significant other or yourself. You deserve it.
  4. Binge watch a cooking show. Find something ridiculous you want to try. Then try and make it. I suggest the Great British Bake Off. I have made several pastries in varying degrees of success. 
  5. Declutter. This is boring, but it will make you feel absolutely amazing when it’s all done. You also get bragging rights about not wasting your quarantine and being a badass. 
  6. Take up yoga/pilates/zumba/working out. I won’t do this, but I know some people have. It’s a good way to get flexible since we’re being forced to be flexible with our schedules.
  7. Download Duolingo and learn a language. Try Gaelic or Welsh or Vulcan. It could be fun and funny to show off your Elvish skills when you can go to bars again. 
  8. Watch those movies you’ve been wanting to watch but have never had the time to watch. Seriously. Dedicate a two day spree to watching those movies. We all have a list of them on Amazon, Netflix, Hulu, Vudu, or all of those. You know you want to. 
  9. Cuddle your dog. If you don’t have a dog, adopt a dog!
  10. Call the people you’ve been meaning to call or text them or even write a letter. They’re great; you miss them; reach out. I do love sending a good letter, but I’m a weirdo. I think we should bring letter writing back, though.
  11. Have a photoshoot. For real. Grab those clothes you LOVE but never have a chance or reason to wear. Head out with a friend or a tripod somewhere cute and take pictures. You deserve it. Plus you’ll have something cute to remember this disaster of a time. 

bisous und обьятий,
RaeAnna

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