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11..., Lifestyle

11… Things I Learned From Heart Break

RaeAnna
Life is better with love.

Cuffing season is upon us. If you don’t know what that is: the season people search out a partner for the long or short term to cuddle up with through the cold months and/or celebrate the holidays with; beginning in October and lasting until after Valentine’s Day. 

As all the beautiful people in the world are coupling up, I’m reminded of one of the possible and inevitable endings every couple faces: the end. Every. Relationship. Ends. Some with a breakup. Others with death… We call these the lucky ones because they lasted. Either way, every relationship ends and is often partnered with heartbreak. Happy holidays! Let’s talk about pain.

Heartbreak comes in all shapes and no two feel the same. So often heartbreak is equated with romantic relationships, but it doesn’t have to be. I’ve had friendships hurt far more than romantic relationships. Whether romantic, platonic, familial, or other, to love is to open ourselves up to pain. So much so that, for me, love and pain are all but synonyms. Not to detract or overwrite the joy and warmth of love, but those feelings cannot exist in the absence of pain. The two breathe in tandem making one all the more poignant because of the other.

My heart may break, but I won’t stop loving.

Autumn and winter are the seasons where couples, families, and friends come together. In Texas, it’s wedding season. The holidays are looming; families and friends are planning gatherings. It’s a time to be with loved ones. Social media becomes even more inundated with people declaring their affections for one another. These occasions also have a tendency to bring up unresolved issues, hurt feelings, drama, and all things heart aching. There’s love and happiness in there too, I suppose. For me, it has been no different. Well, the declaring my love on social media for a romantic someone is far from likely. I’m speaking to the holiday heart aches. Historically, October has been a consistently traumatic month for me. Some of the worst events of my life happened in October. Some of the biggest heartbreaks too. October wrote scars across my heart, so I’m always happy to say ‘Au revoir, October’ and ‘Привет, Christmas!’ 

In no uncertain terms, heartbreak is the fucking worst. I’m not talking about breakups, friendship endings, or endings specifically. Breakups are not always painful; some pain does not accompany an ending; and heartbreak can happen when no relationship ever occurred at all. It’s the pain that sits unrelentingly inside my chest. Whatever the reason. Whoever the person. No matter the relationship. Pain is still pain, and it has been my greatest, most consistent teacher. 

Over the course of thirty years, I’ve learned a thing or two from my heart breaking, and I expect I’ll learn many more. Some opinions may change, and hopefully I get better and less bitter with time. I remain hopeful.

I don’t know if I’ll ever walk down an aisle in a white dress, but I’ll wear them with flower crowns any day.
  1. Love Hard; Love Ferociously; Love Resolutely I truly believe in loving with everything I have. Friends, lovers, family. I will give everything I have and everything I am. I have never regretted loving someone fiercely; though it has been painful, I don’t look back with regrets or what ifs. Even as endings loomed, I loved hard even when quitting would be the easier thing to do.  
  2. Love Has Boundaries Boundaries are hard for me, but I’m learning love, healthy love, has boundaries. Just because I love ferociously and without limits does not mean it’s a free for all. It took me a long time to know what I would endure and what I will not. I was a doormat for a very, very long time, but I’m finally learning how to stand up for myself. That comes with setting boundaries for myself and for my relationships. I’m still not great at this, but I’m trying, damnit.
  3. Timing Matters I wish this weren’t true. Sometimes you meet the right person at the wrong time. It’s so cliché, and yet it’s true. Timing matters, and sometimes that’s the only reason a relationship needs to crumble.
  4. Set Expectations Take this in any and all ways. Friendship, workships, family, sexual partners, romance, whatever. Expectations are so important. If they’re not established, how the hell is the other person to know what I want and need and expect from them and us. Expectations change with time and growth, so continue to talk about them. Have check-ins. Regular check-ins! 
  5. A Breakup Isn’t Failure This one took me a long time to come to terms with. I have a deeply rooted fear of failure. Anything not working out was a failure, a personal failure, all my fault, and no one else’s. I know in my brain this isn’t true; my irrational brain has not caught up. Breakups—romantic, familial, platonic—are not failures. Sometimes things just don’t work, and that’s okay. People are not always compatible, and that does not mean either one is wrong or problematic or “crazy.” It just means people are different. The failure is in not trying at all. 
  6. Radical Honesty I’m not a relationship expert, obviously. I’m sitting here in my office absolutely single at thirty, but I have had incredibly successful relationships and breakups. People ask me for relationship advice—I don’t know why either. I always say: Communicate all the time about everything. There is no such thing as too much honesty. In my relationships, I practice radical honesty, which is why I’m so close with all my exes. We never had secrets. There was nothing to hide, so when an ending came, there wasn’t anything to be angry about. No dark secret that tore us apart. The problems were on the surface. They’d been talked about for a long time. We tried working through them because we were honest about what we needed and wanted from one another. We gave it our all, but things didn’t work for whatever reason. Lack of love has never been at fault. Radical honesty doesn’t prevent pain or arguments. It may not even prevent a breakup. It does make everything healthier, happier, and so much easier. My life is so much better because I have been honest in my relationships. Even when honesty stings, it saves much bigger pain.   
  7. You Will Not Be the Same Person People change us. Every single person in my life has influenced who I am today. Those I have let into the deepest corners of my heart and soul have a larger influence over how I move through the world, which is why I’m choosy! I don’t want to be influenced by crap people. Ideally these very important people make me a better person. Even in heartbreak, I have take aways on how I can do better in the future for myself and in relationship with others. I am not perfect. I never will be, but I am a better person because of all the incredible humans I have loved. 
  8. Always Say ‘I Love You’ I have never regretted saying these three words. Sometimes they’re not said back, and that’s okay. I don’t say them with the expectation of hearing it. Love is amazing when it’s reciprocated. It can fucking wound when it’s not, but I will always say I love you to the people I do love because I don’t want them to wonder or not know where they fit in my heart. I say it a lot, but I also show it, but I’m also going to say it. I want the people I love to know without a shadow of a doubt that they are loved.  
  9. Fight For Love, But Know When To Leave I have fought so hard for love. Not a regret in sight. I will always fight for love as long as there is a love to be fought for. Sometimes, I’ve fought a lot longer than I maybe should have. There has always been that moment when I knew in my heart it’s time to be done. I can’t tell you when that moment is because it’s different for every person and every relationship. When that feeling settled in, I let go. The pain didn’t necessarily stop, but I learned to stop fighting for something that wasn’t meant to be.
  10. Love Is Not Enough I said this at nineteen. I’ll say it at thirty. Love does not conquer all. Love is not always enough. This is probably an unpopular opinion. Love is enough of a reason to sure try. Many obstacles can be conquered with love, dedication, and hard work from both partners. But there are obstacles that even love cannot surmount. That does not mean the love is any less real or pure. It just means life is ridiculously hard.
  11. Life Goes On I’ve had a breakup where I really wish this weren’t true. I’ve had my heart broken with grief over someone passing or friends leaving my life. The pain doesn’t always get easier. I hate to say it, but sometimes the pain doesn’t go away. I’ve learned to live with those aches like the knee pain I have from my ballet days. Life does go on.

bisous un обьятий,
RaeAnna

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In My Own Words, Lifestyle

I Have Been Self Censoring

RaeAnna

Right after college, I started writing a lot about my experiences as a rape survivor. After a while, I started being inundated with messages from people—strangers, friends, and family alike—asking questions or just letting me know how much my stories helped them through their own recovery. Once I was able to accept I had been in a sexually, domestically, psychologically, and financially abusive relationship, I started talking. I did a whole lot of reading, researching, and listening too. But I started talking. I talked to friends, I talked to strangers who had their own stories, I got up and spoke in front of groups, I lectured at a university, I performed slam poetry, and I wrote. It was a part of me, and a part I was not going to hide. 

Except I have been doing just that. Hiding. Not necessarily on purpose. It’s been pretty inadvertent. A byproduct of my life, relationships, working, and the world at large. I’ve had a hard time writing. I can blame a lot of it on the pandemic, a lack of motivation, wanting a break from reliving those painful memories, and/or a surge in depression and anxiety. Although, that would only be a half truth. 

Living is choosing pain.

I have been censoring myself. 

Censorship is something I really do not like, but that opinion is a completely different piece. Yet, I have been taking part in censorship, and, in my opinion, the very worst form of censorship: self-censorship. Over the course of my blogging/content creating/writing journey, I have written and posted about depression, anxiety, being a rape servivor, PTSD, mental health, and all that jazz. Except, I’ve written and posted about the sunny side of those stories. There’s a way to write about trauma and pain with a sense of humor, a brief overview, a silver lining to make it palatable. A piece that makes people go, that’s a bummer and continue on their days without being weighed down by the story they’ve just read.  

For the longest time, it remained a mystery. Why couldn’t I write? Why couldn’t I post anything I did write? Because I love the fact that my darkest pain can be a light for other survivors. To share the burden, help others heal, create a community, be seen was so meaningful.  

The answer was simple: I didn’t want to hurt anyone. 

I have always been bad at opening myself up to people. Showing emotions and vulnerability is not a strength. If anything, I’m realizing at 30, the people I thought knew me best really don’t know me well at all. It’s not their fault. Not even remotely. I am so private about everything, that I don’t let those closest see me. They have proven they care over and over again, but being open does not come naturally. Instead, I allow myself to exist in their lives as a fairly emotionally one-dimensional human. I’ve been censoring my existence to everyone my entire life. Censoring comes easy. It’s easier than being raw and open. It’s hard letting the entire world really see you. Especially when most of what there is to see is pain.

“To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.” Friedrich Nietzsche

I don’t shy away from hard work, and I have always found it much easier to write than speak (my friends are used to getting letters expressing my emotions when I’m feeling anything other than Happy), so that’s really not the reason I have been silent on the topics that mean the most to me for the last five years. 

Pain. My reality, my truth causes other people pain. Pain, not discomfort at the violent and abusive behavior they’re being brought into. My pain causes others pain because the experiences that I was forced to endure challenges their perception of me, themselves, and life. I deny my experiences to maintain peace, which denies a huge part of who I am, which only causes me more pain. I was taught to tip-toe and hush-hush, make myself small, and never hurt anyone’s feelings or create waves even if that means not speaking the truth or denying the truth completely. So I have been protecting feelings. Other people’s feelings. Feelings belonging to people who wouldn’t give a second thought to what it’s like to be in me.

I live a non-traditional life. I like it this way. It makes me happier. I watch people struggle to fit into a box that society has made for them. They find happiness or contentment. Sometimes they don’t. But I’m not convinced they’re all soaking up all the happiness and joy the world has to offer. I’m not happy when I’m conforming or doing what is expected of me. Though I’m good at it, I’m miserable chasing the traditional ideals. Those who have chosen to be in my non-traditional life support and love me no matter what. I don’t talk about so much of it anymore because it makes things difficult for some. I don’t even think about it anymore because I’ve spent so much time overthinking how a post or picture will upset the status quo.    

People take my silence as shame or guilt. I’ve made some really hard choices. I’ve made out of the box choices. I’ve made dangerous choices. I’ve made stupid choices. I’ve made choices for love. I’ve made choices for money. I’ve made choices out of necessity. I’ve made choices with great repercussions. I’ve made choices of all kinds. I’ve mostly made them alone. I have been very alone yet surrounded by people my entire life. As an adult, I’m more comfortable alone than in partnership because I will be solely responsible for my choices no matter the outcome. The one thing I am not is guilty or ashamed. I am not ashamed of the life I live or the person I have become or the person I was or the things I did. In fact, I’m pretty fucking proud of every choice I made because so often I made desperate choices when there were very few options and none of them were good. But I have not lived with that pride because it causes pain.

At 30 with a lot of very serious health problems, I am goddamn tired. I am tired of always censoring what I say because it hurts people. I am tired of having to not talk about huge swaths of my life because it hurts people. I’m tired of not being able to be me all the time because it hurts people. I’m not going to continue to be small because it makes other people’s lives uncomfortable. 

I’m not censoring myself anymore. It’s all going to be out there. Because I’m not being real. I’m not being authentic. I’m not doing everything I can to make the world a better place. 

Books, Reading Lists

Easy Fall Reading List

RaeAnna

A Long Petal of the Sea by Isabel Allende
Worth a Read Yes || Length 336 

Quick Review This really is a beautifully written work of fiction, depicting an often overlooked period of history as Americans. The Spanish Civil War raged on as two people are pushed together into a marriage and escape from Spain to Chile on a ship, chartered by Pablo Neruda. Highly suggest.
Memorable Quotes
“Her beauty intimidated him: he was used to women prematurely marked by poverty or war.”
“She was discovering it (the world) was nothing like the descriptions in books or photographs. It was much more complex and colorful, much less frightening.”

Buy on Amazon | Buy on Book Depository

Anywhere for You by Abbie Greaves
Worth a Read Eh || Length 368 

Quick Review I really hated this book. It was written fine, but the whole plot. I don’t get the point. Like why? Mary stands in a tube station with a sign saying, “Come Home Jim” because her boyfriend disappeared on her seven YEARS ago. Everything goes to shit when a reporter befriends her and makes it go viral. The relationship was toxic and unhealthy… So it feels like it’s just perpetuating the idea that a good woman will, in the words of Tammy Wynette, Stand By [Her] Man even when he’s shit and doesn’t deserve it. 
Memorable Quotes
“Comfort never encouraged anyone to spread their wings.”
“”When you meet the right person, you need to be with them, no matter what.””

Buy on Amazon | Buy on Book Depository

Bookish and the Beast by Ashley Poston
Worth a Read Eh || Length 288 

Quick Review Not my usual read, but it’s a cute rom-com for teens about two nerdy kids falling in love in the midst of their own problems. If you can’t tell, books are at the heart of their love story. You can also guess the plot from the title. No surprises. At all.

Buy on Amazon | Buy on Book Depository

Everyone Is Beautiful by Katherine Center
Worth a Read Yes || Length 256 

Quick Review I had low hopes for this, but it turned out to be a beautiful story about a wife and mother, yearning to reconnect with herself and passion again. It’s an earnest depiction of making life work on a limited income and even less sleep. Life, marriage, and motherhood is hard, but it’s even harder having to do them all at once. Center creates a compelling look into womanhood and marriage in the time that comes after the “happily ever after” or wedding because life doesn’t stop with a ring or an “I do.” This is a small book that really gets the messiness and stress of motherhood and marriage without being bitter or resentful.
Memorable Quotes
“I hate to say it, but I will. Children, despite their infinite charms, are an absolute assault on a marriage.”

Buy on Amazon | Buy on Book Depository

Gimme Everything You Got by Iva-Marie Palmer
Worth a Read Yes || Length 400 

Quick Review I was pleasantly surprised by this one. I don’t usually read YA, but it was accidentally sent to me, and I thought why not? Set in 1979, a school gets their first girls soccer team and sexism ensues. The girls learn how to balance their budding love of sports with their desire to be feminine and find those two things are often at odds in society’s eyes. Setting the piece over 40 years ago, allows readers to draw parallels between the world of the past and today to see what has changed and all the ways it has not budged.  
Memorable Quotes
“Then, this summer, I realized maybe the shorts meant something bigger. Like that I was a feminist. Not one who didn’t shave her armpits, but a sexy one.”
“Wasn’t the point of having a sibling that you had to endure your parents together?”

Buy on Amazon | Buy on Book Depository

Girl Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis
Worth a Read No || Length 240 

Quick Review I understand Rachel Hollis and this book are beloved by so many people, but I just couldn’t get on board. I had a hard time getting past the God aspect, great, have your religion, but for so many people that’s not a driving force in our lives, but what got me the most about it was her constant need to reinforce the idea that she’s a “good Christian.” There are really great nuggets and words of wisdom in there, but there’s also a kind of toxic “pick yourself up” and “you’re unhappy because of you” and “EVERYTHING is in your control” attitude. As someone who is completely self-made, I get that. As a survivor of abuse, so much of my life is circumstance and dealing with the aftermath and consequences of other people’s actions. The themes and attitudes are just not relatable for me at all. It falls so flat.  

Buy on Amazon | Buy on Book Depository

Little Deadly Secrets by Pamela Crane
Worth a Read No || Length 384 

Quick Review For me, this is one of those not-much-of-a-mystery mystery; it’s very easy to guess. I really did not like any of the characters. I found so many issues with the parenting and rape. So much rape. Rape, rape, everywhere. As a rape survivor, I don’t mind rape, but this felt more like rape porn than rape for literary or even human experience reasons. There’s also a lot of toxic masculinity passing as acceptable. It was just written poorly and in poor taste. A hard pass for me. 
Memorable Quotes
“Friends are the flowers you pick to beautify your life.”
“We’re trained from an early age to value beauty. What a handsome little boy, we say. Or What a pretty little princess. So we grow up believing that if we’re not beautiful enough, we won’t be loved. Then someone comes along and loves you anyway, and you make him God over you. Even when he is in fact the devil.”

Buy on Amazon | Buy on Book Depository

Little Wishes by Michelle Adams
Worth a Read Yes || Length 400 

Quick Review This is a really sweet love story about two people reconnecting in their twilight years. It’s sweetly written to match the tone of the story. Adams writes in an overly flowery way to try and paint a picture of Cornwall, but it’s a bit over the top. She also does a whole bunch of equating love and fire, but I guess that’s what readers like. There’s a hint of mystery, but if you’ve done much reading, that and the ending are quite expected. Overall, this is one of those books you want to read on the beach or snuggled up in a porch chair.
Memorable Quotes
“Perhaps that was what love was, the thought to herself, when nothing that came before or after seemed to matter anymore, when the world could be on fire, but you didn’t fear the burn.”
“Losing a parent did that, made you question your existence for the first time in your life. Human morality paraded before you, utterly unavoidable, the world changed.”

Buy on Amazon | Buy on Book Depository

Live A Little by Howard Jacobson
Worth a Read Eh || Length 288

Quick Review I really enjoyed the writing, but the story itself was lackluster for me. I can’t even remember the plot, except for the part where I couldn’t care less about the characters. The female characters in particular were… shallow. It’s an excellent example of why I don’t like reading female characters written by men. The narrative style is humorous and interesting.
Memorable Quotes
“I was more of a man than any of my men were and I don’t doubt I will prove to be more of a carer than my carers.” 
“What they call dementia, she has decided, is nothing but a failure to maintain a comprehensive filing system. And what they call losing your mind is forgetting to use it.”

Buy on Amazon | Buy on Book Depository

The Night Portrait by Laura Morelli
Worth a Read Yes || Length 496 

Quick Review Waffling between an art conservationist in the midst of WWII and a young woman in a Milanese court of the fifteenth century, this historical novel traces the history of Leonardo da Vinci’s masterpiece, Girl with the Ermine. I get a bit tired of historical novels set during WWII, but I did enjoy this one. I love strong women at the heart of a well written narrative. 
Memorable Quotes 
“Like most inspired ideas, it comes to me in the middle of the night.”
“And Edith had to face the fact that she was part of the giant network that enabled these men to aggrandize themselves, at the expense of so many innocent lives.”
“Edith had a difficult time reconciling the man who, by day, was responsible for the devastation around them, and by night, doted on his children.”

Buy on Amazon | Buy on Book Depository

The Red Daughter by John Burnham Schwartz
Worth a Read Eh || Length 288

Quick Review A historical novel focusing on Svetlana, Stalin’s daughter, and her life in America after fleeing the Soviet Union. Told from two perspectives, that of Svetlana and that of her lawyer, Peter Horvath. It’s a well told story, but largely forgettable. Getting nit picky, as a Russian speaker, when Svetlana is writing, it doesn’t feel like a Russian speaking. She also lacks emotional depth, when Peter does not. I would say that’s due to a man trying to write from a perspective he does not understand or identify with… a woman’s. Peter is the far more compelling character; even though his section of the novel is far smaller. In a lot of ways, this is a lovely story, but it also falls very short of being great.
Memorable Quotes
“Governments will always lie. It is the job of artists and intellectuals to tell the truth.”
“There is a kind of drunkenness one finds only in Russia. The Irish don’t know it, the French, the Greeks. An ecstasy of melancholy… A sadness that has no limits and is so very close to joy, but never reaches it.”

Buy on Amazon | Buy on Book Depository

bisous und обьятий,
RaeAnna

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In My Own Words, Lifestyle

Happy 168th Homecoming, Cornell College

RaeAnna

It was Homecoming weekend for my alma mater, Cornell College, in Mt. Vernon, Iowa.

I’ve been to more homecomings than I haven’t since graduating—only missing this and last year, due to COVID. I loved Cornell while I was there, and love it still. Though, as does everything, it had it’s faults and shortcomings, it was the place I needed, as much for classes and maybe even more for the people it brought me. I still wear my Cornell clothes. I don’t follow the sports teams, but I didn’t do that while I was there either. I read the newsletters. I’ve donated money. I follow them on social media. I continue to sing its praises. I have a Cornell Alumni sticker on my car. I’m, what you may call, a die-hard alumna. Since I couldn’t be there, I celebrated in my own way.

High school was not my space. For a high school, my high school was amazing, but still, I couldn’t wait to leave and find my people in college. And find them, I did. But I also found myself. 

I grew up in Iowa. I wanted nothing more than to leave. Be away from Iowa. Live in cities in new places with lots and lots of different people. I wanted to touch the world outside my bubble. I applied to big schools in big places. And Cornell College. College. Not to be confused with University. Twelve years older, located in Iowa, with 23,000 less students, and named for William Wesley Cornell, a cousin of Ezra’s, it’s easy to confuse the two. I applied to Cornell College because a) it was a good school b) I could create my own major c) if it had to be in Iowa, at least it looked like the East Coast. Long story short, I ended up at a small school, in a tiny town, in Iowa. Exactly what I didn’t want, yet everything I needed. Maybe not the Iowa part, but the other two were definitely what I needed. 

Cornell is a strange place. A tiny liberal arts college in Iowa with a one-course at a time curriculum. It attracts the weirdies from all over. By weirdies, I really mean weirdies. From tech nerds to book nerds to gamers to LARPers. All inclusive weird. You name it, Cornell has it. For only 1,200 students, you can and will find your niche of nerd. We even had some token Republicans on campus. 

I quickly learned that even smart people don’t talk about smart people things all the time or even half the time. I found out it was not only fine but good to not take myself seriously all the time… or ever. Being smart doesn’t mean being boring and intellectual every moment of every day. PEOPLE ACTUALLY DO DRUGS! Y’all, I truly thought a skunk lived outside my dorm my entire first semester. Not even a tiny bit ashamed over this level of naïveté. I also learned it’s good to think outside the box, to question authority, to push back when I knew something was wrong, to speak up with questions and answers, to fail, to ask for help, to be vulnerable, and so many more things. I also learned Russian and German and how to diagram a sentence and furthered my French and English and a lot of applicable knowledge that I use every day in my career, life, and relationships. Yes, it was worth the money Karen. Yes, I do use that expensive piece of paper in my career, Stewart. But college is more than classrooms and textbooks. It should be a safe space to explore, fail, learn, grow, and become the people we were then, are today, and will be someday.

Home is what I think of when I think of Cornell. It was the first place I felt whole. A space that gave me acceptance, love, family, friends, pain, recovery, poverty, plenty, adventure, respect, happiness, anger, truth, and peer review journals. That last one I put in there just because it was unexpected and funny.

I met my people. 

I met my person, who has stayed my person despite moving cross country and living apart for seven out of our eight year personship. She’s doing amazing things, and I could not do life without her. She’s a special kind of human, and I’m so glad she’s mine. Homecoming my senior/her freshman year is really where we started bonding. It’s when I met her family, who would become my family. Cornell gave me a home for four years and led me to the family I chose for forever. 

I found the love of my life at Cornell. My first semester freshman year, I fell for him. Actually, I fell on him. The happiest and saddest moments of my life were shared in our home by Cornell. It was and has always been the earth shifting, head soaring, heart fluttering, belly laughing, eyes shining kind of love that turns into soul shattering, heart wrenching, inside hallowing, eyes filling, life altering heart aches. Cornell is where I lost him. Whether it’s our liberal arts education teaching us to think outside the box, our love, history, respect, or a combination, I still call him my best friend, my partner, my most favorite human .

So many people came in and out of my life at Cornell. I made friends in the dorms, in classes, through walking across the Ped Mall. I spent time with my partner’s fraternity brothers. I became an honorary member of a sorority. I was president of the French club. I had friends all over. I learned stillness and solitude are equally as important for me. I felt a part of something even when I took time for myself. 

I came into my own life at Cornell. 

Life was lived because it had to be suffered through. Then I went to college, where I met people who let me be whatever I was. Happy, sad, angry, passionate. Feelings were welcomed. I found a man who challenged me to love and be loved, demanded I allow myself to break in every way I needed to so I could recover. Cornell gave me permission to enter my own life authentically and with complexity. 

The hardest years of my life played out on campus and in Mt. Vernon. When I think of Cornell, a shimmering sadness plays across my heart. A foundational four years filled me with as much sorrow as happiness. I think I’m still catching up on the sleep I never got back then. I also really wish I hadn’t recycled all the paper handouts and copies from my classes… I’d give a lot of things—not the dogs— for all of those now. I would not be who I am without Cornell. I would probably not be at all if it weren’t for my Cornell family. I miss it as much as I am happy to have moved on. 

No matter the hardship, I am and always will be a die-hard alumna. I really didn’t like purple until I realized I had to embrace it at college. Purple and white are the school colors, and I’ve definitely acquired a collection of Cornell pride clothes over the years.

2021 is the 168th anniversary of Cornell’s existence. It’s old as shit, considering the state of Iowa is only seven years older than my beloved alma mater. Missing out on this year’s celebrations, although most were cancelled due to COVID, was sad. So I decided to fill my house with flowers in Cornell colors all week. I even did a photoshoot with a bouquet, hair comb, and corsage to celebrate. Flowers just make everything more fun, especially Homecoming. After the shoot, we went for coffee and sweets; I definitely felt like I was off to a school dance with my corsage. 

I made the corsage in markedly not Cornell colors but still in honor of Cornell. Red and white. My partner belonged to a fraternity, Mu Lambda Sigma, better known on campus as the Milts. This year marks their 150th anniversary. As any and all Milts will tell you without provocation, they are indeed the oldest organization on campus. Starting out as the Miltonian Literary Society and founded by Dean H.H. Freer in 1871, it evolved into the fraternity I know and love. I had really hoped to spend the Milt’s 150th anniversary on campus, but alas, I did not. 

Not only was my partner a Milt, he introduced me to actives and alum, many became close friends. The fraternity is and was important to me because these were men who created a space for me to exist with the knowledge that I was safe. They protected me and nurtured me. They taught me men could be good, kind, and gentle. I didn’t have to fear these men. I was able to reset my gut and learn to trust it for the first time in my life because of these men. Truly, I have been able to go out into the world and trust men directly because of my partner and the Milts. I am forever grateful to the goofiest group of dudes. So the corsage is as much in honor of my partner as it is in honor of each Milt who loved me at Cornell. Goodness, do I miss them. So much. 

Happy Homecoming, Cornell. I miss the good times and am thankful for the bad. 

bisous und обьятий,
RaeAnna

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11..., Lifestyle

11… Ways To Be Bougie On A Budget

RaeAnna

I love looking put together, but I hate spending money. I’m frugal because I like having a cushion to fall back on and I would rather spend that money on travels or dogs. Let’s be honest, most all of the money goes to the dogs.  

I’m a recent convert to press-on nails.

At thirty, I am not financially where I had hoped I’d be ten years ago or even two years ago, but I am lucky to have a partner to share the burden with and who supports that I’m following my dreams and doing what makes me happy. I have been very, very poor, and those experiences taught me a whole lot of things. How to make due; how to save; how to look like you’ve got a lot with a little; and how to responsibly enjoy the extra money I do have. 

Over the eleven years I have been on my own adulting it in the world, I’ve picked up some tricks to do bougie on a budget. Everyone deserves to look amazing without the haute couture price tags. Some things are super budget friendly and others are a little bit more extravagant, but they’re all budget friendly. 

  1. Press On Nails This is number one solely because it’s pictured. I learned how to paint my own nails incredibly well by the time I was in fifth grade because, even as a kid, I wanted to look good. Honestly, painting nails is incredibly budget friendly, but it’s time consuming and difficult to make it look salon quality. I’m a recent convert to press on nails; now, I think they’re great. The key is in getting short or medium length to keep it classy, but this is also because as a writer, I need to type, and long nails make that hard. It’s also important to make sure each nail is properly sized to your nail. And just put ‘em on! They’re quick and ready to go, and they haven’t ruined my actual nails yet. I love them for trips especially. 
  2. Designer & Designer Outlet Sale I’m a tall girl, and it’s really hard to find clothes that are long enough. When I lived in Chicago, I started shopping at designer outlets and designer stores during sale season. Being in Houston, that trend has continued. A whole bunch of clothes in my closet are designer because I hit up the sale racks and look. It takes some effort but is completely worth it. I found a $1200 Ralph Lauren evening gown for $54. I’ve bought amazing dresses and pants from Saks Fifth, Neiman Marcus, Guess, Calvin Klein, and more for less than $20. The best sales are in late August, all the summer stuff is being switched out for fall and winter, and my favorite time to shop is the week after New Year’s. So many sales on top of all the Christmas sales.  
  3. Black and White When in doubt, black and white color schemes are classy. They may not be personality forward, but they always look bougie. Black pants with a white turtleneck, damn girl or guy or they! White on white, killer. Black on black, stunning. Add a little grey in there, yum.
  4. Accessorize I would love to tell you that I have a minimalist closet—it’s good for the environment—but that would be a lie. I love clothes and shoes. I donate what clothes I no longer want or wear, but I tend to keep things for well over a decade because they still fit and I still like them. Like everyone, I have favorites that I wear over and over again. Changing what I wear a piece with can take it from casual to dressy to casual and all over the place. It’s amazing how versatile pieces can be when you pair them with something different. 
  5. Make Sure It Fits I try everything on and only buy things that fit and are comfortable. If it’s not comfortable I won’t wear it. If it doesn’t fit in the important ways, I don’t buy it. If a piece is too long or a little too big in places, that can be fixed. But if the waist is two inches too high, it makes my boobs look weird, pulls in the crotch, or whatever, it’s not for me, even if I love it. Same goes for shoes. Buying heels and even flats that fit properly makes them look more expensive than they actually are. Please do not buy shoes that gap in the back, it will cause blisters and look like a hand-me-down.
  6. Lipstick This is so personal. I love a good lipstick. Even if I don’t manage to do anything else, swiping on my favorite lip color makes me feel bougie and put together. Minimal effort, maximum result.
  7. Flowers As the best friend of a florist, I am biased and think we should all support our local florists and go boutique. The budget-conscious me says any flowers will do! I love boutique flowers because they’re beautiful, unique, and made with care. BUT flowers from your grocery store, Trader Joe’s, and backyard are gorgeous. They’re a simple touch that adds life to any room or event. If you show up with flowers to an event for the host, you exude bougie behavior, and everyone likes to be thought of. 
  8. Tailor It Finding a good tailor is so important. I have one I love in Houston that is really inexpensive. I almost never spend more than $20 on a piece. Tailors can take clothes that fit and make them look custom. I’ve tailored everything from pants and dresses to a jumpsuit. It’s an amazing option when something is too long or too big. Tailoring clothes that no longer fit is a great way to keep what’s in your closet without spending a ton on a whole new wardrobe. I’m obsessed with tailoring pieces. 
  9. Accumulate Knowledge Google is free. I think one of the bougiest and sexiest things a person can be is knowledgeable, especially about things they love. Do not confuse this with condescension; that is the worst. For instance, I love tea. So I’ve read books and googled lots of facts about tea, which I happily share with friends and sometimes strangers, when not completely inappropriate. For the first time ever, knowledge is accessible to all, and it’s the easiest thing in the world to google something you’re passionate about. 
  10. Start Saving Saving when you don’t have any money at all is hard and sometimes impossible; I’ve been there. Saving when you’ve never saved before is also hard. Start by saving whatever you can, no matter how small. Whether you’re saving for old you, a vacation, a nice something-or-other, a home, or something in between. Having savings makes me feel secure and more likely to invest or even splurge on quality items or things that make me happy. I’m nowhere near swiping without thinking, but maybe someday I will be. There are so many amazing resources out there to help you get started, but having a cushion for tough times or rainy days is bougie as fuck. I love a good savings account.
  11. Invest in What You Love Don’t spend money on things you don’t love. I buy clothes I love and that I will love for a long time. I don’t buy clothes based on trends because I’m too cheap for that. I don’t buy seasonal decor for my house because I don’t give a damn about that. I spend my money on lattes because they make me happy when I’m out with friends. I buy dog toys because I love how happy and energized it makes my babies. I used to buy books because they make me happy, now I get them from publishers. I buy art because I like to put it on my walls. I buy camera equipment because I love taking pictures. I have a well stocked tea cart because it fuels my work brain and my spirit. Investing in the things we love shows because we’re happier surrounding ourselves with our own passions. And happy is the bougiest thing we can be.  
  12. Know How You Photograph *Bonus* This is solely for looking bougie on a budget for Instagram. We all have our best angles, lighting, aesthetic, looks, colors, etc. And this is so completely up to you. Whatever you feel best and most confident in and love the way you look in pictures is what you should focus on. Looking bougie in photographs is all about setting up the shot and knowing how you want to look. If you’re shooting with a friend or even photographer and have an idea in mind, explain it to them. I often have my photographer sit where I will, and I take the shot of them so they know exactly what I want. Or you can search Pinterest/Instagram for ideas to show them. Practice in front of a mirror or take selfies with a timer/remote to see what poses you’re comfortable in and like. Don’t be afraid to try new things and then keep on trying. I delete 80% of the pictures I take, and I keep on failing and learning. 

These have been some of the ways I make my life look so much grandeur than it actually is. I surround myself with things I love that make me feel happy and confident. So much of being bougie is figuring out where your priorities are and then following through. When it comes to instagram… That’s a fragment of everyone’s realities. Real life is layered and complex and fascinating. Bougie can be ugly; cheap can be stunning; happiness is always priceless. 

bisous und обьятий,
RaeAnna

Books, NonFiction

Confronting Death in It’s Your Funeral by Kathy Benjamin

RaeAnna

Worth A Read Yes
Length 182
Quick Review Death comes to us all, but we can prepare for it. Kathy Benjamin helps people understand death, funerals, and how to prepare with a sense of humor and creativity while honoring traditions in this lovely little book. 

I figured a cemetery would be the most appropriate location for these pictures… Or a morgue, but they said no. Weird.

I am pro talking about death. I always have been. It might be the realist in me; it might be the fact I’ve seen the downsides of not talking about death; it might be my dark sense of humor; it might be that I love making people uncomfortable; it might be all the near death experiences I’ve had; it might be that I’m chronically ill. It’s probably all of those things combined. When I saw that Quirk was publishing this, I hopped on the chance to read it. I support transparency and talking about hard things. Death is one of those unavoidable things in life, and it makes people so squirmy. Kathy Benjamin takes on death and funerals in her funny yet profoundly informative It’s Your Funeral.

Going through the process of preparing for our very last hurrah in our honor, Benjamin talks about options, remains, funerals, wills, and more in three parts that encompassing knowing your options, planning the party, and ensuring your memory is what you want it to be as best as possible or Part I. It’s Your Body, Part II. It’s Your Funeral, and Part III. It’s Your Legacy. 

Death is scary, and Benjamin gets to the heart of one of the many reasons for fear: lack of control. Once we’re gone, we have no control of what happens to us, our life’s work, and how we’re remembered. By taking control of those things ourselves before we’re gone, we can have a semblance of control in the after, and Benjamin creates a comprehensive guide to tackling this feat. 

Filled with amazingly poignant and comical moments, Benjamin realistically talks about death. The ways to get rid of a body from the traditional to historical to cultural to unique with honesty and as little grossness as possible. Culture plays a big role in death and the traditions surrounding it, and It’s Your Funeral notes many traditions in other cultures and religions. Did you know that “In Bhutan, often rated the happiest nation in the world, it’s considered important to reflect on death five times a day.”

Funerals are the last hurrah. They can be fun, sad, celebratory, reminiscent, really anything at all, but “The theme for most funerals is basically just “grief.”” Lots of information is included on: what people traditionally are buried with and what they can bring with them; weird post-death doings by eccentric people; important things to think about; how to get creative; ideas; and more. A list of famous and interesting cemeteries are included in case you want some ideas or travel destinations. Serious to humorous quotes from real memorials, monuments, and epitaphs are listed for those who want ideas.

Honestly, a really funny book. If you couldn’t tell by the cover design. 10/10

Wills are important. Having witnessed this in my extended family, I can attest to the truth of “What does happen all the time is that people die without a will and all hell breaks loose.” It’s Your Funeral spells out exactly why and how to create a will. One of the most important things you can and should do for those you’ll leave behind. Please, if for no one else do it for me, create a will and a living will. I have both.

I love a good worksheet, and I’m assuming Benjamin does too, as there are many throughout this delightfully morbid book. To help process thoughts, emotions, wishes for your after life journey. These worksheets will help get your creative juices flowing, while you still can. They’re not all strictly serious, as in the “Haunting Game Plan” for those hoping to dawdlishly pass on.

I really enjoyed this one. Benjamin does an excellent job of balancing the information with humor; gravity with levity; tradition with creativity; American with global. For those wanting to broach the topic of planning what happens after for themselves or a loved one, It’s Your Funeral by Kathy Benjamin  is a really instructive place to start.

Memorable Quotes
“It’s almost more terrifying than dying: the thought that, one day, your whole life will likely be forgotten. Take a moment to gaze existentially out the window…”
“Sure, you’ll be dead, so it’s not your problem, but if you want to ensure things go smoothly after you die, write the freaking will.”

bisous un обьятий,
RaeAnna

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Title: It’s Your Funeral! Plan the Celebration of a Lifetime—Before It’s too Late
Author: Kathy Benjamin
Publisher: Quirk Books
Copyright: 2021
ISBN: 9781683692584