In My Own Words, Lifestyle

COVID Came For Us; We Almost Didn’t Make It

Getting my first Pfizer vaccination.
Getting my second Pfizer vaccine.

It’s been four months almost to the day since we found out we had COVID. By we, I mean Dylan and I. 

Over the last four months, I have been silent. I haven’t publicly spoken or written about our COVID experience at the beginning of this year. There has been so much guilt in my heart and soul about having COVID. I am still struggling with that guilt, but as a writer, I can’t stay silent not while this pandemic rages on. I feel shame over having COVID. Like I need to keep it a secret and not talk about it, but I’m not an ostrich. My head does not belong in the sand, and I’ve never been one to shy away from telling the truths, my truths before.  People are still complaining about wearing masks, fighting the harsh reality, saying it’s a conspiracy, claiming the vaccine is dangerous. 

I am an immunocompromised human. Dylan is a disabled veteran. We were quarantining for our own health and the health of all humans. In our home, we believe in science and the reality of this pandemic. 

Since the announcement of quarantine over a year ago, we have been social distancing like absolute champs. We stayed the fuck home. I stopped traveling. We started having our groceries delivered. We didn’t go out to eat. We hardly saw friends or left the house, except when completely necessary. We have worn masks and stayed away. We’ve sanitized and cleaned. 

So many people did not believe in the seriousness of COVID until if affected them personally. We did not need to be affected personally to know the severity of COVID. Though we did have several friends who contracted it and recovered. They were fortunate to have uncomfortable but manageable symptoms. 

We did everything we could to stay safe, but COVID came for us. 

COVID still invaded our home, and we were met with the full force of it. Dylan and I had been so extremely careful, and yet it entered our home and almost took his life—and mine, but I’m ignoring the severity of my own situation. There’s nothing more, really, we could have done to prevent getting COVID, but I’m still struggling with guilt over contracting it. I have talked about it so infrequently that very few people in my personal life even knew about it at the time or even now. We didn’t advertise it. We were more concerned about surviving it because we both had fairly extreme cases. Only our very closest friends and family knew what we were going through.

On December 26, 2020, Dylan went to Chicago to visit his family. By December 28, he was admitted to the hospital with a positive COVID test and pneumonia. He didn’t have enough breath to call and tell me himself, so I found out over the phone from his mom once he’d been admitted. It was devastating. My partner of the last five years was in the hospital on the other side of the country fighting for his life, and I couldn’t do a thing about it. 

Blake, one of the closest people in my life, had come over to spend time with me and hang out with the dogs while Dylan was gone. He was there when I got the phone call. I felt horrible because I had put him in danger without meaning to. We went for COVID tests the next day. I had a sickening feeling that I would absolutely be positive for it because I had developed a bad cough the day before. On New Year’s Eve, I found out I had COVID and Blake did not. We knew it would be two weeks of quarantine before Dylan could even think about coming home, before I could leave the house, before Blake could leave the house. We were trapped in a new way. I was trapped sick in my house with someone I loved. I was trapped by fear that the one person I depended on to be okay might not survive. 

Everyday, I struggled to breathe. My oxygen levels kept getting lower and lower and lower, yet I refused to go to the hospital because of the dogs. Blake is probably the only reason I did not die, but it was not good. (Don’t do what I do, kids. Go to the doctor.) 

Everyday, I waited for texts from Dylan to know he was okay, he was still alive, he was still breathing on his own. 

Everyday, I hoped to hear news that Dylan was responding well to treatment and could go home soon to finish his recovery.

Every few days, I heard from his nurses or doctors to find out how he was doing. The news was hopeful but never good. 

He ended up staying in the hospital for almost three weeks. When he was finally released, he had to stay in Chicago for almost three more weeks, two of which he was dependent on oxygen. He visited specialists repeatedly, waiting on the all clear to come home. Dylan was all alone on the other side of the country with his family and doctors, but I worried constantly. I was at home with Blake, who did everything from cook to clean to take care of the dogs to helping me get dressed to checking on me in the middle of the night. 

By the time Dylan came home, he had been gone for almost six weeks. He was better but not back to normal. I had not been completely honest with him about my own health because I did not want him to worry as he fought for his life. He was shocked by how sick I still was, but we made it through. We spent the next two months slowly working back into normalcy. 

If we’re being honest, and I am, we are both still on the mend. Neither of us have full lung functionality. We still get tired and winded much easier than we used to. We are both grateful to be alive, to have survived. 

Dylan and I are both completely vaccinated. The moment we were allowed to, we signed up. He had Moderna. I had Pfizer. He reacted with a sore arm and slight aches and pains. My reaction was slightly bigger with a sore arm, aches, pains, and a low-grade temperature. The second dose was easier for me than the first. 

I was vaccinated through UTMB Health at their outdoor League City location. I signed up through their website: https://www.utmb.edu/covid-19/vaccine/ back in February. It took me a week and a half to get an appointment. Now that vaccinatio are open to everyone, I’m sure it looks a little different as far as the sign up process. I arrived at the site. I never once had to get in my car. It took about half an hour to snake through the park, sign in, read the information, and get my vaccination. I then proceeded to the parking lot, where I waited fifteen minutes to make sure I didn’t have any reaction. I was on my way. This was the process for my first dose and three weeks later for my second dose.

Dylan was vaccinated through Harris County in Waller at their outdoor location. His process was exactly the same with a shorter snake time because it was a smaller site, serving less people. It was fast and easy.

We are vaccinated. We still stay home more than we did in the before times. We wear masks when we go out. We sit outdoors when we go to restaurants. We believe in science. We believe in COVID. We believe in vaccines. We believe in doing our part. This isn’t over, but we have and will do whatever we can to make COVID a part of history. 

11..., Lifestyle

11… Hopes for the New Year

Enjoying Christmas things in Baytown, Texas. | Dress | Shirt | Boots |

I’ve never been one for resolutions. In reality, I’m not even one for goal setting or manifesting. It’s not that I’m unmotivated; I’m actually incredibly motivated and hardworking. I’ve just found that it doesn’t work for me. Resolutions, goals, manifestations are not for me. 

Happiness and kindness are the two driving forces in my life. Every day I wake up and live my life to the best of my abilities by making choices that make me happy and do as much good as I can in the world. At the end of the day, if I have accomplished those, I have lived a good day and that will culminate into a good life. I hope. 

2020 was quite the year. Filled with ups and downs on a global and personal scale. I did what I could to find happiness and create kindness, but I, like the entirety of Earth’s population, am hoping for better things in 2021. 

I missed the usual Christmas traditions in 2020, but I won’t let it get me down for 2021. | Dress | Flannel | Boots | Earrings |
  1. I hope the pandemic is reigned in. For selfish reasons, I want life to get on with it. For global reasons, I want life to get on with it. Everything has been on hold for far too long. 
  2. I hope to see friends and family again. It’s been over a year since I have seen some of my closest friends and family members. Some live far away and others live just on the other side of town. Due to COVID, I have gone without seeing many people for their safety and mine. It sucks, but it is for the best. 
  3. I hope to travel. Knock on wood, 2020 was supposed to be my year of international travel. Shocker: It wasn’t. I went to none of the places I was supposed to. It makes me sad, but at the end of the day, it was for the best. Most of the trips were postponed, a few were permanently canceled. Time will tell when I get to see Europe again. 
  4. I hope for health. The health of the world and myself. As an imuno-compromised person, this year has been tough. I’ll speak more on how I’m ringing in 2021later, but it’s not the way I was hoping for my family.
  5. I hope to be more consistent. 2020 was anything but my finest year of consistency. I managed to let so many things fall through the cracks that I have never ever let fall through the cracks before. I’m ashamed… Kind of. In all honesty, I’m disappointed in myself, but at the end of the day, I just couldn’t make those things happen. In 2021, I want to get back to being the consistent human I was before and even more consistent than before.  
  6. I hope to get back to working. As a freelance writer, COVID seriously affected my income. I’m not complaining because, at least, I’m still working. It has been a very, very slow year for me. As a creative, I was impacted significantly. Luckily, I have a partner who has been able to work consistently throughout the pandemic, so we have not struggled the way other families have. I miss working, though. Here’s to a better year!
  7. I hope to not wear a mask. I will absolutely continue to wear a mask until it is completely safe to not wear one. I am looking forward to not having to need it, though. 
  8. I hope the vaccine can be administered to one and all. 
  9. I hope my puppies continue to grow healthy and strong. They will celebrate their first birthday in March. I can’t believe how soon that is and how quickly this year has gone by. I was so very blessed to have them and be able to provide for their health and happiness. COVID gave me the time to care for them, and for that, I will forever be grateful for 2020. 
  10. I hope to grow my blog. 2020 was incredibly inconsistent for the blog. It grew and shrunk and stagnated. I’m not complaining. I love this part of my life, but I’m hoping to really dive into it in the way I had been wanting to in 2020 but was unable to. I have a lot of books to catch up on reviews. So I hope to have those all published by May. Fingers crossed. 
  11. I hope to continue chasing happiness and kindness. I want 2021 to be filled with happiness for myself and others. I want to spread kindness wherever I go, making the world a better place as much as I possibly can. 
  12. Bonus Hope I hope to get a bunch of projects done in my house. I very much love it as it is, but there are so many things I want to get done, like painting and decorating. I’ll absolutely document my progress as I go because it’s so fun!!!

bisous und обьятий,
RaeAnna

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Experiences, Travel

Postponing My Scotland Trip Due to COVID-19

All the things reminding me of not being in Scotland. | Clanlands | Frommer’s | Lonely Planet

I have had to cancel a lot of really amazing trips this year and so many others went without being planned at all. I’ve been doing my best to stay home, stay safe, mask up, and flatten the curve. It’s not been fun, but it is the right thing to do. I’m also immunocompromised, so it’s the best thing for my personal health. 

All that said, having to stay home and not travel has been the worst part of this year for me personally. The hardest trip to postpone was my trip to Scotland. I was going to go in the spring, but then it was pushed to November, and now it’s been pushed until further notice. I’m a bit heartbroken to be honest. I had it all planned, and my soul has been aching to explore Edinburgh and the countryside. I was supposed to be exploring the Highlands right now. Alas, I’m sitting at home in front of a roaring fire surrounded by my six dogs.

My present is not a bad one. I’m complaining but not. I love getting to be with my fuzzy family and enjoying the holidays, but I was so very excited to experience a taste of Scottish holidays. 

I bought a couple tour books for Scotland a year ago to prepare because I’m that kind of traveler. I read them both within a week of buying them. I had my whole itinerary planned down to the Airbnbs I would be staying at. I’m not going to tell you all the details because a) I don’t want to bore you with the could have beens but have not happeneds and b) It’s still happening so c) I won’t ruin all the fun for those who want to follow along someday.

When I realized my trip was not going to happen yet again, I decided to buy a sweatshirt from my favorite band, which happens to be very Scottish. Tide Lines is amazing. If you’ve never heard their music, pay more attention to my Instagram stories and go check them out. I love them so much. I also bought Sam Heughan and Graham McTavish’s book Clanlands because I can and I’m adding salt to my wound. I also grabbed a copy of the first edition of the Hidden Scotland magazine.

I’m really hoping 2021 sees a vaccine and an opening of borders. My heart is yearning to walk the streets of UNESCO’s City of Literature, Edinburgh, and find a beautiful coo on the side of the road. 

Anyways, I’m done complaining about my sad first world problems. I’m going to go back to reading and not writing reviews about the many, many, too many books I have read and piled in front of my computer as incentive to write reviews. 

bisous und обьятий,
RaeAnna

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11..., Lifestyle

11… Ways Life Is Being Nice to Me Right Now

Enjoying a quiet moment in a peony garden in Iowa. | Dress | Earrings

Life is a cluster fuck right now; there’s no better way of putting it. COVID has done a number on people, economies, jobs, politics, society, the world. You name it, it’s been touched by COVID. This year has felt like the longest, gloomiest day ever. COVID is the single most pervasive thing I have encountered in my entire life. Sex, money, and power might be more pervasive, but it’s a close race. 

Last week, I wrote about eleven shit things going on in my life right now. Optimism and positivity do not come naturally to me. I’m an upbeat person with a morose soul. I’m trying to keep things happy inside my head because I have six fuzz balls depending on mommy to not spiral into a well of sadness. They need and deserve a happy mommy who can talk in a high pitched puppy voice coming from her heart and not faked.

Here are eleven ways life is nice to me.  

  1. I have six amazing dogs that make me feel more loved than I’ve ever felt in my entire life. Love just pours out of every possible opening of my soul for these dogs. I wish I had six bodies and all the money I could possibly need so every inch of my body and second of my time could be spent loving them. Alas, I have work to do so I can pay for their extravagant eating habits. Taking in a rescue and four puppies was borderline bonkers, but it is the best decision I have made. It’s been the best thing I have ever done for my soul. I love them. 
  2. I own a house. Yay for housing. That one was touch and go for a while, which was rough. We’ve been in the house for three full months, almost four. It’s still a mess, but it’s ours. Eventually things will get done, but I’m enjoying watching the puppies grow into dogs in their home. No more moving! For a while at least.
  3. Not traveling. I hate writing this one, but in its own way, not traveling has been a good thing. I’ve been able to concentrate on my family and dogs. I miss being on the road and the trips I was supposed to take, but I will never get the puppy months back. Scotland and all the other places will still be there. The money I would have spent on trips has gone to the dogs or kept safe for travels at a later date. I’ve been able to put some roots down in the new area of Houston I live, which I was never able to do because I was always off on another adventure. 
  4. Dancing has always been a part of my life. I love it. I trained to do it professionally for a long time. Obviously, that didn’t pan out. I haven’t danced in years and years and years. Partially because of money. Partially because of time. Partially because I was never anywhere long enough to find a dance studio. Well, I’ve been able to start dancing again, and I’ve found some really lovely new friends!
  5. I have always loved big picture windows. I never thought about or wanted to buy a house, so I always admired other people’s beautiful windows. Our house has these awful original windows from the 70s. They’re not pretty, and they’re really not energy efficient. Replacing windows is expensive. We can’t do the whole house at once, but we decided to put new windows in the living room and a new sliding glass door in the dining room. Wow! I love it. They’re big and beautiful, and they make being stuck at home so much better aesthetically. Oh and it took a HUGE chunk out of our electric bill!
  6. Work is slow. I miss having oodles of work to do. It seems like a bummer, but it’s a blessing. Having less work to occupy my time has allowed me the ability to raise my dogs and provide them with a stable and healthy environment. I have the time to make sure their needs are met. I’ve been able to get to know them and pay attention to their individual personalities and nuances, which has enabled me to catch health concerns long before I would have if I would’ve had my usual work load. Slowing down has been a gift to me and my dogs. 
  7. I’ve done a lottle retail therapy. There have been some seriously good sales because of COVID, and I took advantage. I didn’t need to, but I did. And someday, I’ll get to wear these super cute clothes I just bought again. Also I finally found a computer bag I like, so I don’t have to put my computer in my purse anymore. Woo!
  8. Having a ginormous couch is the best thing ever. Fuckers it was expensive. I hate spending money, but buying a giant, comfy couch was a really, really excellent use of money. I’ve been dealing with health issues, so I’ve been clocking in some serious couch hours. It’s big enough for the entire family to sit on, and it’s blue. Wins all around. 
  9. I have learned so much about pop culture. I really hate being unproductive, but I also really love it. I miss getting shit tons of things done and going everywhere and doing all the things. But I also love not getting to. Being at home and binging Netflix/Hulu/Disney+/Amazon. I’m super unproductive in a tangible way. The blog is floundering. My work is slow. Boy am I catching up on pop culture! I’ve learned so much useless crap about the world and generation I live in. Who knew about Memes? Apparently everyone, and now I do too!
  10. Cooking and baking is something I love to do. But I’ve done exactly almost none of that during the pandemic. Instead, I have been embracing the exhausted mom-life and supporting local places through delivery. And now that I live somewhere more conducive to ordering in, I have loads of options! Just last night, I had amazing pot roast that did not require me spending hours in the kitchen cooking. 
  11. I have spent more consecutive time with my boyfriend than ever before. I think I still like him. We’ve definitely had more tête-à-têtes than usual, but that’s because we’ve had more concentrated time together, even though we’ve lived together for four years. Gotta love COVID!

bisous und обьятий,
RaeAnna

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Blog + Dog, In My Own Words, Lifestyle

Isolation Creation

I love being surrounded by my new rescue babies.

One of my favorite people to follow on instagram is Jamick Beck. She’s a brilliant photographer and a lovely human to watch live her life through my phone screen. She lives in the South of France. During quarantine she worked on an Isolation Creation project, where she created a beautiful photograph every day and documented it on social media with the hashtag #isolationcreation. It was so inspiring, and I loved following along. 

Social media has been flooded with all these amazing people creating amazing things with their newfound freetime. They are really living out #isolationcreation. I love it. My quarantine feels like the opposite: A vacuum where creativity and productivity have ceased to exist. I have been in quarantine (to the best of my ability) since the middle of March. 

Now is not the time to be trapped inside my house with me, myself, and my multiple internal narratives of doom for company. My anxiety is having anxiety over how much anxiety I have over being anxious about everything. On top of it, my depression has been a raging ball of sadness and defeat. It’s an excellent combination for sustaining minimal productivity and an endless drowning sensation. 

My sweet Duke wasn’t supposed to stay, but here he is furever.

On the surface, my everyday life has not drastically changed. I work from home and don’t have tons of reasons to leave the house. I used to travel a few times a month, and I was always bopping out to have lunch with friends or grab a coffee with someone or something in the world. None of that has happened, which is good for health reasons. 

My quarantine has not included any of the things I would have liked it to include. Considering I can’t travel or leave the house and work has substantially slowed down, I should have time to do so many things. But not true. I have not written my book or even a short story. I’ve not even tended to my blog, which is my job. I don’t read the way I should be. Nothing that needs to be done is getting done. Nothing I want done is getting done. I’m existing in this space of doing the bare minimum. Here’s what the bare minimum has consisted of for me over the last few months:

  • Finding a dog, helping her have thirteen puppies, bottle feeding them, making sure they go to the vet every few weeks, emergency vet trips, finding them REALLY good furever homes, keeping them safe, and sending them to their furever homes. (I’m exhausted just thinking about it all again.)
  • Finding and buying a house. (The literal worst.)
  • Moving cross-country with all the dogs because the house situation took longer because of COVID and we were trying to… 
  • Not be homeless.
  • Working on the few projects that came my way. (So slow… who needs a writer?)
  • Sleeping whenever I could, which was hardly never.
  • Moving back across the country with the dogs to…
  • Finally move into the house.
  • Unpacking the house… Unpacking the necessary things; still working on the unnecessary bits. 
  • Battling my anxiety and depression. 
  • Fixing the house because it was NOT in the shape it was supposed to be in.  
Makeda front and center where she likes to be. They loved laying in the laundry basket. Don’t ask me why.

Productivity and efficiency are my main modes of existing. I hate doing nothing. I hate inefficiency. I hate wasting time. In my mind, nothing has been productive or efficient during quarantine. It’s wrong. I know I have been productive and as efficient as one can be with puppies considering the circumstances of COVID-19, fifteen dogs, moving, and not living in my own house for two and a half months. There’s this anxiety/depression monster that lives in my stomach (head but I feel it in my stomach) telling me I’m the fucking worst and I could do more and be better and why is nothing done the way it could be??? The last four months have not been my ideal version of productivity. When I see time where I’m just sitting, that’s time I could have been working, unpacking, or doing something with my life to achieve my dreams in any and all the ways. I could have done more during quarantine, but I also couldn’t have. I’m dealing with life, puppies, work being slow, COVID, anxiety, depression, and that’s my version of #isolationcreation. 

This was my cue they were done playing and wanted to go in for a nap.

Instead of creating art or finding my love of needle point (I’m actually already not bad at that) or getting in shape or learning how to speak Urdu, I’ve been creating fourteen healthy lives. My #isolationcreation is the puppies and their mama. I took her and the thirteen puppies in during a really difficult time. I made sure she had everything she needed before, during, and after the birth. We almost lost her, but we didn’t. I’m working on getting her healthy – she has already come such a long way. We were told to only expect eight puppies to live, but all thirteen are alive, happy, and healthy. There were several puppies who needed extra attention because they were small, weak, and/or sick. They made it through and are living their best lives. Nine found their perfect homes. Four are stuck with me, two of which have special needs (I call them my miracle boys), but I know they’ll be taken care of. They are almost potty trained. They know how to sit and stay. They’re well behaved and wonderful to be around. They’re the image of health, and they’re growing like crazy. They bring me joy and keep me busy. Life is never dull.

I’m hard on myself, but I always have been. Struggling is my main form of existing right now [always], but I’ve created good where there was sadness during quarantine. I didn’t create beautiful artwork for the world to enjoy like Jamie Beck, but I created something intangibly beautiful for the puppies and their furever families. I did what I could, and I hope it was enough.  

bisous und обьятий,
RaeAnna

I did my very best for them, and I loved watching them grow and change.
#isolationcreation
11..., Lifestyle

11… Things I’ve Missed Over the Last Three and A Half Months

Enjoying downtown Houston last summer when I had significantly less dogs and far more time and no COVID in my life. | Dress | Watch | Earrings |

The last three and a half months have been crazy chaotic for everyone around the world. You’ve probably noticed the hoard of puppies in my Instagram stories or the pictures or the posts I’ve managed to produce. COVID and quarantine have definitely had a serious impact on my life, but the puppies have had a far bigger impact. Working from home, my quotidien life didn’t change drastically because of quarantine, but it did change because of the swarm, which is what we came to call the thirteen puppies. I love them, but I have missed out on a whole lot of things because of them. 1000% worth it, though. 

  1. Sleep. I have missed sleep. What is it? I don’t even know anymore. They are sleeping through the night, so I’m getting more than two non-consecutive hours now. I am playing catch up. 
  2. Beau. Because I was living at my best friend’s house and then in Iowa, I went two months without seeing Beau. It hurt my heart, and I know it hurt her feelings because I disappeared with a gazillion dogs for EVER. Luckily, I’ve been back in Houston for two weeks, and Beau and I have been snuggling like crazy trying to catch up.
  3. Going Out. Even if COVID hadn’t shut down the world, I wouldn’t have been able to go out and enjoy the world. I feel like I’ve been so detached from everything because the puppies have kept me occupied and preoccupied. 
  4. Showers. I haven’t had tons and tons of time for showers, and even if I did, I’m not completely sure how useful they would be. The moment I get out of the shower, I tend to find poop or pee or throw up or most usually a combination of all three. It’s hard to convince myself to shower when I’m just going to be gross ten minutes later. Might as well stay gross.
  5. Reading. I have not had time to read because my time is spoken for. I’m about a gazillion books behind schedule. Woops.
  6. Looking Like A Human. I’m certain I look like an exhausted, chubby alien version of myself. Eating well went right out the window because I haven’t had the time to cook, let alone grocery shop. I’ve definitely put on some softer edges and some wrinkles. 
  7. Water. Honestly. I’m so dehydrated. I keep forgetting to drink water because… Well, I’m not good at it to begin with, so when I’m uber busy, hydration just doesn’t happen.
  8. Knowing What’s Going On. Whether it be what’s going on in the world or what’s going on with my best friend, I honestly have no fucking idea. I’m not even on social media right now. This is the first blog post in a month! I found out about George Floyd because my best friend texted me (I did take time out to protest because that is FUCKING IMPORTANT, and social justice is a huge part of …on the B.L., so I can’t not march.) I love my friends, but seriously, I hardly talk to them. 
  9. Money. I’ve been spending it like it grows on trees because these puppies have been ridiculously expensive because the number of them and they’ve also had some super fun rare medical problems, but they’re healthy now. Also I’ve not had much money coming in because COVID has slowed everything down. I so poor. 
  10. …on the B.L. Hello. I haven’t written or posted anything in weeks and weeks. It’s hard to motivate myself to do anything with the very little free time I have when I’m exhausted. So here I am, finally posting something. Woo!
  11. Houston. I’ve missed Houston. I was gone for a month, but even when I’ve been here I can’t even enjoy the outdoorsy things this great city has to offer because I’ve been momming it up. Oh well. Maybe soon. 

bisous und обьятий,
RaeAnna

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