Being alone is easier than trying to explain all the things I wish I could say.
Words are my craft. I’m decent with them. They’re familiar. A lifetime has been spent honing this talent.
Feelings are my downfall. I’m terrible with them. They’re consuming and distracting and difficult to categorize. A lifetime has been spent trying to untangle the knot that other people seem to so easily figure out.
One of my greatest fears is being misunderstood, so I trend toward verbosity. Over explaining ideas, feelings, myself in writing because I want people to understand what I’m trying to say. And I prefer it in writing because I’m truly not good at processing feelings or thoughts on the spot, so I like the time I can take with the written word and the kindness it gives me in the form of editing. We can thank a lot of childhood trauma for this, among other things.
I feel like I don’t belong to the same world everyone else does. I don’t understand them, and they don’t understand me. Like there are walls keeping us apart. Except each wall has a one way mirror that I can look through to observe the world and figure out how to exist in it, but no one quite understands the way I work or how to fit into my own. So even though I trend toward verbosity, more often than not, I say nothing at all.
Everytime I start to speak, explain. To let people into my world. To share the emotions I feel so viscerally. It’s too much. Time and time again, I’ve learned it’s easier to just keeping looking through the one way mirror. To exist quietly in the background of the world everyone else enjoys. To make do with the one I have all to myself.
Normally, I contextualize everything. But I don’t feel like doing that because I’ve never liked doing that. I’m blunt, but I’ve softened my edges to make the world more comfortable. So here are eleven things I wish I could say, but I don’t.
Alone in nature and the ocean in particular is always where I feel most myself.
I miss you. Every moment of every day. I never truly knew what it felt to miss someone until I woke up without you and missed you. I wish I didn’t. I wish I wished to forget you; it would make all of this easier. But I know I’ll keep missing you until the day I can no longer miss anything at all. But I’d rather miss you than not know what missing you feels like.
Don’t touch me.
I love you. I will always love you.
I wish I weren’t gay. (I will clarify this only so far as: I LOVE being gay, and truly wouldn’t change it for the world, but it lead to an ending of a story I hoped would have no ending.)
I deserve better.
Help.
I’m meant for more.
Please don’t give up.
See me.
There is only so much I can take without breaking.
Two and a half months ago, I road tripped to the Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, Grand Canyon (again), and Santa Fe. It was a pretty spectacular trip if I do say so myself. I had to curb my chit chat because I’m sure everyone was tiring of my Canyon anecdotes. It was a trip I had been wanting to take for a long while. I went with one expectation: a view. Everything else, I would figure out on my own in the midst of it.
I haven’t been camping since my 15th birthday party. And that was a camping in Iowa twenty minutes from my bed for a night with friends kind of a camping “trip”. I had never been camping camping. The good luck kind of camping trip. Not only was I camping for the first time in half my life, I was camping the Grand Canyon, where the nearest Walmart was 75 miles away. Oh, and I did it alone.
Hopping in the car and driving away from my very cushy bed, I knew there were only two options for this trip:
I would LOVE it.
I would HATE it.
Luckily, I loved it. Truly, deeply loved it. In a subtle yet distinctive soul shifting fashion.
Driving West into Arizona, the sun rose revealing mountains, plains, cliffs, plants, and life glowing gold in the early morning light. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I drove on. So much of what I do revolves around social justice with a focus on gender and racial equity. I’m not ignorant of this country’s history. Living in a city that has washed away every trace of the Native People makes it easy to forget I live on stolen land. But something about that particular drive, taking in the landscape, I was overwhelmed with the weight of my own privilege and the suffering that has occurred across the country in the past and in our present.
Four hours away from the Grand Canyon, I knew I wanted to use this trip as more than an excuse to center myself, connect with nature, and take a break from the hustle of life. I was going to learn. As much as the Canyon itself has so much information to offer, I have always been more interested in the stories of people. I wanted to learn about the people who lived and died by the Canyon long before colonizers arrived. I needed to make it a point to honor the Indigenous People who continue to live and fight for their land.
I drove straight to the canyon rim and looked on with awe. Then I turned around and walked straight to the book shop. Duh. I bought a bunch of books and asked rangers and employees about which ones they suggest or were written by Native authors. Along my walks and hikes, I read every single plaque I came across. Stopping in Flagstaff on my way to Las Vegas, I found a bookstore that had an entire section dedicated to Native History and another bigger section dedicated to local Native history and authors. I ended up accumulating a lot of knowledge on my trip, and I’m still working my way through the books I bought. So I’m going to share some Grand Canyon knowledge.
Havasupai people lived and farmed inside the canyon at Indian Garden along what is now Bright Angel Trail until 1928. 1928! Less than 100 years ago. They were forced to leave by the National Park Service.
Uranium was discovered in the Orphan Mine in 1951. From 1956 to 1969, Uranium was extracted from a mine near the South Rim of the Canyon. I could see where it was while walking the Rim Trail. There are fences and signs all over essentially saying keep out with a fun twist saying “ecologically fragile,” but the meaning is actually along the lines of, ‘Stay out because this area is inundated with toxic and radioactive waste that hasn’t been cleared.’ So really, don’t sneak past those fences.
The six major tribes living around the Grand Canyon are the Hualapai, Havasupai, Navajo, Hopi, Paiute, and Zuni people. They have inhabited the Grand Canyon plateau for a very long time.
Mary Colter, a prominent architect, designed some of the most famous buildings in Grand Canyon National Park, including Desert View Watchtower. In the male dominated field, she managed to create an architectural aesthetic that would last and influence the American West for generations.
Humans have been living in and around the Grand Canyon for 12,000 years, at least, that’s how old the oldest documented human artifacts are. White people arrived via Norse settlements on the continent as early as the tenth century… So the Grand Canyon was inhabited a casual 11,000 years—give or take—before white people started fucking shit up.
What looks like mountain goats are actually bighorn sheep. They’re cool. I saw a family of them, hiking the South Kaibab Trail.
The Hualapai Tribe built the famous Skywalk that projects 70 miles over the canyon with a glass floor. It’s one of the most visited attractions in Grand Canyon West, and when you’re visiting it, you’re supporting the tribe instead of the federal government. So much of the Grand Canyon belongs to tribes, who benefit from that tourism. Make sure to be respectful, take the time to learn about their history, culture, traditions, and obstacles they face in today’s era. Oh, you should check because many require reservations in advance.
There is a North Rim and South Rim of Grand Canyon National Park. South Rim has more amenities and is the more visited of the two rims. It’s where I went, solely because there were no campsites available on the North Rim, which is known as being quieter and more remote. Though the two lodges are only ten miles apart if you hike through the Canyon, the drive takes five hours and 215 miles to go from one to the other.
The Canyon can be a luxury getaway or a wilderness exercise. I chose to lean more toward the latter. I camped on the South Rim, which has hotels, restaurants, coffee shops, rentals, campsites, a post office, general store, and so many amenities. I didn’t have any cell reception or internet access, but I definitely did not feel like I was in the wilderness… until I went below the rim. As the signs make sure to drive home the information: Once you go below the rim, you’re on your own. Rescue is not guaranteed, and even if help comes, it could be a good long wait. On all but Bright Angel Trail, the water you have is the water you have. There’s a sense of good luck and don’t be stupid every time I hit the trail. The further you go, the less people there are. On the South Kaibab Trail, I went well past Skeleton Point for a total of nine miles round trip. I didn’t see a single person from mile two to mile eight and a half. There was also a big storm, so the experience was a tad frightening at certain points.
The Grand Canyon Pink Rattlesnake, or crotalus oreganus abyssus, is only found in the Grand Canyon, especially prevalent along the North Rim. It is venomous, so if you see one, do not approach.
There is one hotel inside the Canyon. When I say inside the Canyon, I mean it’s on the floor of the Canyon. Half a mile from the confluence of Bright Angel Creek and Colorado River, it was designed by Mary Colter. There’s a lottery for reservations that is pulled thirteen months in advance. There are three ways to get there. Raft the Colorado River. Take a mule. Or a ten mile hike via Bright Angel Trail or a seven and a half mile hike via South Kaibab Trail.
You could spend a lifetime exploring and researching the Grand Canyon, which many people have done and continue to do, so this is really just a highlight reel of interesting things I learned. The moment I left, I couldn’t wait to go back. I’m ready for my next adventure.
bisous und обьятий, RaeAnna
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I love looking put together, but I hate spending money. I’m frugal because I like having a cushion to fall back on and I would rather spend that money on travels or dogs. Let’s be honest, most all of the money goes to the dogs.
At thirty, I am not financially where I had hoped I’d be ten years ago or even two years ago, but I am lucky to have a partner to share the burden with and who supports that I’m following my dreams and doing what makes me happy. I have been very, very poor, and those experiences taught me a whole lot of things. How to make due; how to save; how to look like you’ve got a lot with a little; and how to responsibly enjoy the extra money I do have.
Over the eleven years I have been on my own adulting it in the world, I’ve picked up some tricks to do bougie on a budget. Everyone deserves to look amazing without the haute couture price tags. Some things are super budget friendly and others are a little bit more extravagant, but they’re all budget friendly.
Press On Nails This is number one solely because it’s pictured. I learned how to paint my own nails incredibly well by the time I was in fifth grade because, even as a kid, I wanted to look good. Honestly, painting nails is incredibly budget friendly, but it’s time consuming and difficult to make it look salon quality. I’m a recent convert to press on nails; now, I think they’re great. The key is in getting short or medium length to keep it classy, but this is also because as a writer, I need to type, and long nails make that hard. It’s also important to make sure each nail is properly sized to your nail. And just put ‘em on! They’re quick and ready to go, and they haven’t ruined my actual nails yet. I love them for trips especially.
Designer & Designer Outlet Sale I’m a tall girl, and it’s really hard to find clothes that are long enough. When I lived in Chicago, I started shopping at designer outlets and designer stores during sale season. Being in Houston, that trend has continued. A whole bunch of clothes in my closet are designer because I hit up the sale racks and look. It takes some effort but is completely worth it. I found a $1200 Ralph Lauren evening gown for $54. I’ve bought amazing dresses and pants from Saks Fifth, Neiman Marcus, Guess, Calvin Klein, and more for less than $20. The best sales are in late August, all the summer stuff is being switched out for fall and winter, and my favorite time to shop is the week after New Year’s. So many sales on top of all the Christmas sales.
Black and White When in doubt, black and white color schemes are classy. They may not be personality forward, but they always look bougie. Black pants with a white turtleneck, damn girl or guy or they! White on white, killer. Black on black, stunning. Add a little grey in there, yum.
Accessorize I would love to tell you that I have a minimalist closet—it’s good for the environment—but that would be a lie. I love clothes and shoes. I donate what clothes I no longer want or wear, but I tend to keep things for well over a decade because they still fit and I still like them. Like everyone, I have favorites that I wear over and over again. Changing what I wear a piece with can take it from casual to dressy to casual and all over the place. It’s amazing how versatile pieces can be when you pair them with something different.
Make Sure It Fits I try everything on and only buy things that fit and are comfortable. If it’s not comfortable I won’t wear it. If it doesn’t fit in the important ways, I don’t buy it. If a piece is too long or a little too big in places, that can be fixed. But if the waist is two inches too high, it makes my boobs look weird, pulls in the crotch, or whatever, it’s not for me, even if I love it. Same goes for shoes. Buying heels and even flats that fit properly makes them look more expensive than they actually are. Please do not buy shoes that gap in the back, it will cause blisters and look like a hand-me-down.
Lipstick This is so personal. I love a good lipstick. Even if I don’t manage to do anything else, swiping on my favorite lip color makes me feel bougie and put together. Minimal effort, maximum result.
Flowers As the best friend of a florist, I am biased and think we should all support our local florists and go boutique. The budget-conscious me says any flowers will do! I love boutique flowers because they’re beautiful, unique, and made with care. BUT flowers from your grocery store, Trader Joe’s, and backyard are gorgeous. They’re a simple touch that adds life to any room or event. If you show up with flowers to an event for the host, you exude bougie behavior, and everyone likes to be thought of.
Tailor It Finding a good tailor is so important. I have one I love in Houston that is really inexpensive. I almost never spend more than $20 on a piece. Tailors can take clothes that fit and make them look custom. I’ve tailored everything from pants and dresses to a jumpsuit. It’s an amazing option when something is too long or too big. Tailoring clothes that no longer fit is a great way to keep what’s in your closet without spending a ton on a whole new wardrobe. I’m obsessed with tailoring pieces.
Accumulate Knowledge Google is free. I think one of the bougiest and sexiest things a person can be is knowledgeable, especially about things they love. Do not confuse this with condescension; that is the worst. For instance, I love tea. So I’ve read books and googled lots of facts about tea, which I happily share with friends and sometimes strangers, when not completely inappropriate. For the first time ever, knowledge is accessible to all, and it’s the easiest thing in the world to google something you’re passionate about.
Start Saving Saving when you don’t have any money at all is hard and sometimes impossible; I’ve been there. Saving when you’ve never saved before is also hard. Start by saving whatever you can, no matter how small. Whether you’re saving for old you, a vacation, a nice something-or-other, a home, or something in between. Having savings makes me feel secure and more likely to invest or even splurge on quality items or things that make me happy. I’m nowhere near swiping without thinking, but maybe someday I will be. There are so many amazing resources out there to help you get started, but having a cushion for tough times or rainy days is bougie as fuck. I love a good savings account.
Invest in What You Love Don’t spend money on things you don’t love. I buy clothes I love and that I will love for a long time. I don’t buy clothes based on trends because I’m too cheap for that. I don’t buy seasonal decor for my house because I don’t give a damn about that. I spend my money on lattes because they make me happy when I’m out with friends. I buy dog toys because I love how happy and energized it makes my babies. I used to buy books because they make me happy, now I get them from publishers. I buy art because I like to put it on my walls. I buy camera equipment because I love taking pictures. I have a well stocked tea cart because it fuels my work brain and my spirit. Investing in the things we love shows because we’re happier surrounding ourselves with our own passions. And happy is the bougiest thing we can be.
Know How You Photograph *Bonus* This is solely for looking bougie on a budget for Instagram. We all have our best angles, lighting, aesthetic, looks, colors, etc. And this is so completely up to you. Whatever you feel best and most confident in and love the way you look in pictures is what you should focus on. Looking bougie in photographs is all about setting up the shot and knowing how you want to look. If you’re shooting with a friend or even photographer and have an idea in mind, explain it to them. I often have my photographer sit where I will, and I take the shot of them so they know exactly what I want. Or you can search Pinterest/Instagram for ideas to show them. Practice in front of a mirror or take selfies with a timer/remote to see what poses you’re comfortable in and like. Don’t be afraid to try new things and then keep on trying. I delete 80% of the pictures I take, and I keep on failing and learning.
These have been some of the ways I make my life look so much grandeur than it actually is. I surround myself with things I love that make me feel happy and confident. So much of being bougie is figuring out where your priorities are and then following through. When it comes to instagram… That’s a fragment of everyone’s realities. Real life is layered and complex and fascinating. Bougie can be ugly; cheap can be stunning; happiness is always priceless.
A picture I took of Beau and I even before COVID and the puppy invasion… We were hiding from responsibilities then, and I we didn’t know what was coming yet.
Rescuing Tess, raising thirteen puppies, keeping four, dealing with rare doggy disorders, and surviving the pandemic did not ruin my life. BUT it did give me a really good reason to put off all my good habits.
In my defense, I’ve been busy.
The reality: I am no longer motivated to do all the good things I had been consistently doing in my life before becoming a pack mama. That’s right, I’m no longer a dog mom. I am a pack mama, which I can only equate to the feeling of being the very stressed Polar Express conductor as it mercilessly careens across the ice. If you haven’t seen the movie, the Polar Express does safely make it across the frozen lake… I think I see land.
Back to my point. I had been working on developing really solid, unbreakable, healthy habits for myself in 2019 and 2020. Then Tess arrived. Then puppies arrived. Then COVID arrived. Then life stopped. Not stopped, slowed, drastically. Life changed very suddenly in very concrete ways. I stopped doing so many things I had worked really hard at doing on a regular if not daily basis.
I had the goal of having a consistent routine before I turned 30. Hello, 30. You came exactly when you were supposed to, and yet I was completely unprepared. I wanted a routine of healthy and good habits before I turned 30 because it seemed like a good milestone. Creating a lifestyle is hard, but once it’s been done, maintaining it becomes a lot easier. I wanted to have a lifestyle I could maintain with relative ease by the time I hit 30.
In a way, I did! Not the lifestyle I want, but an easy one to maintain. Wake up. Feed and let the dogs out. Work. Read. Eat. Enjoy exorbitant couch time with the dogs. See very few people. Sleep. These are easy things. A very manageable lifestyle, but not the one I want.
I’m actively living my best life… aka not wearing any pants and barely managing to keep the dogs alive.
So this summer is about reforming the habits I lost in 2020 and maybe even forming some new ones!
Exercise I don’t like exercise. Actually, I quite loathe it. But moving is so important. It helps just about everything. From sleep to mental acuity to aging to mood. Exercise is the key. I’m not looking to lose weight or really even change the way my body looks, I’m good with all that, but I put in the effort for my mind. My mind is the most important thing, the thing I love best about myself, the thing I want to maintain for the entirety of my life. Moving, exercise is the way to do just that. I am going to get back into doing yoga and pilates and barre and ballet. I slowed down because of the dogs, but I stopped when I got COVID. My lungs are starting to get back to a place where moving is an option again.
Writing Book Critiques As a blogger with a big focus on books… I have done very little book critiquing even though I’ve been reading very regularly. I need to write like it’s my job… Oh wait, it is.
Sticking to My Diet This isn’t a diet that I want to stick to. It’s a diet I need to stick to. I have a whole lot of pretty serious health issues. Staying on my diet can be hard and inconvenient and unfun, but it helps my body continue doing its job, which is staying alive. I fell out of being really strict about it because with everything going on it was just another thing on top of all the other things, and so I stopped being diligent.
Not Turning On the TV I used to be so good at waking up and not turning on the TV. Once I turn that sucker on, I have a hard time extricating myself from it. I started turning the TV on in the morning while the puppies played. I couldn’t leave them alone because they were very chewy. So TV was the easiest way to keep an eye on them without being distracted. So I’m going to start waking up and not turning the damn TV on.
Maintaining A Sleep Schedule I lost my sleep schedule because of the puppies. I’ve always been bad about maintaining sleep patterns anyways; I do whatever my body wants. The problem: with my unfortunate health issues, sleep is essential. So I need to sleep regularly and enough even when my body and brain don’t feel like it, which is always.
Reaching Out On Birthdays and Anniversaries I was pretty good at remembering birthdays and anniversaries for friends and family with cards. 2020 ruined that. I need to be better about it again.
Getting Dressed I haven’t had many reasons to get dressed let alone get dressed up in 2020 or 2021… Or really since 2016 when I moved to Houston and became a full-time freelance writer. I love getting dressed up and wearing all the pretty clothes I’ve spent too many monies on. So I’m going to work on taking the few extra minutes to put effort into the way I look again. I do miss it.
Journaling This is not something I have ever done. As a writer, I’m a weirdo. I don’t like journaling. As a writer, I think it’s important. I’m also hoping it will help me process my anxieties, depression, life, and all those other things.
Going for Walks I used to go for walks with Beau and/or friends on a regular basis. I love walks because they get me out of the house and let me be in nature. I’ve always enjoyed walks. Plus this will help me leash train the puppies. Having a backyard has not beneficial to leash training.
Seeing Friends Again COVID really put a dent in my social life. I have missed so many friends because of social distancing and staying inside. I’m hoping as more and more people get the vaccine and restrictions are lifted, I can start seeing my people again. They’re wonderful and I miss them all.
Working Regularly I used to be a bit of a workaholic. I worked a lot. Like a whole shitload. After the puppies were born and COVID affected a giant percentage of my clients, I have only been working the bare minimum. If I don’t have to do it. I don’t. This is not getting me ahead in any ways. Being a workaholic isn’t necessarily sustainable but neither is being a couch schlub. I need to find a balance between the two.
I started slowly adding some of these habits into my life after the New Year to varying success. Starting small with the ones that are sustainable. I know I can’t make huge and sustainable lifestyle changes and immediately jump back to and improve upon what my life was before the puppies and COVID. That will only end up with nothing at all changing. I’m working on slowly adding the changes and habits in, guilt free. I’m giving myself grace to fail and sit in front of the TV for a day because change and habits don’t happen overnight. But I’m striving to do better, be consistent, show up, and work at getting into a new normal. Life will never be what it was with only one dog. That’s okay, I don’t want it to be, but I also can’t continue being a bare minimum human.
Celebrating Tess’ Gotcha Day with a cookie and her sister. I’m embracing the chaos of my life as it is without trying to make it beautiful for Instagram or the blog. Having six dogs, four under a year, is messy, and I’m okay with that.
A year ago last Friday, I was headed to an event in Houston. Dressed up in heels and a skirt, I stopped traffic to herd a very pregnant dog to the side of the road. Ignoring the honking and middle fingers, I persuaded this sad, scared looking dog into the back of my car. I had no idea what the hell I was going to do with her or what I was going to tell Dylan, but in my soul, I knew she was mine. A vet trip, Amazon shopping, several pet store runs, and six days later, Tessa had a name, a home, and thirteen healthy puppies. And I was embarking on the longest year of my life.
Today, Tessa is a 35 pound ball of energy, cuddles, and love. She may be the smallest being in the house—except for the bugs Texas insists upon—but she refuses to get lost in the fray or be pushed around. She was a good dog from the moment I gently plopped her in my backseat, but she has come so far. She’s healthy, happy, and goofy. She is obsessed with her sister, Beau. Intermittent wrestling with her four ginormous babies on her very specific terms between sun-naps and mama-snuggles is how she likes to spend her days. She’s sproingy and gentle. I could go on forever about how fabulous she is, but y’all would get bored, and I would never finish writing this because I would have to take many breaks to give her gratitude kisses.
I cannot imagine my life pre-Tessa. That’s 100% a lie. I can absolutely imagine my life pre-Tessa. It was not lacking for anything, but my life is more complete because of her.
A year and a week ago, I would have never been able to picture the way my life looks today. I wouldn’t be surprised because this past year is exactly something I could have seen myself doing, but I would not have planned it. I learned so much about myself from and because of Tessa. I learned my heart has no shortage of love to give and I am able to willingly give up everything I can for those I love and those who need me. I learned to draw boundaries and stand up for myself. I learned to take and ask for help. I am a better person because I stopped traffic for a desperate dog. I am a more tired person because I decided to keep that desperate dog. I am a happier, more blessed person because I embraced the challenges of keeping that desperate dog and four of her babies.
They sure enjoyed that!
Tess changed my life in far more than eleven ways. Without a doubt in my mind, she changed my life in ways I have yet to grasp. She is a blessing and a challenge. But she is mine, and I am hers.
Financially—Oh goodness… I haven’t done the exact math on the amount of money that has been spent because Tessa found her forever home in my home. The least I can say is, bye-bye savings! Hello, debt. I made responsible choices, but the financial impact of taking on a heartworm positive, massively pregnant street dog was not small. Between her health and making sure the puppies were alive, healthy, and thriving, I will be feeling it for a good long while. I say this without complaint. But it is definitely a big life change that cannot go unnoted. I don’t think people realize the financial commitment it is to take on a street dog, let alone a pregnant one. She and the puppies—those I kept and those I did not—are worth every penny spent, knowing they are happy, healthy, and forever loved.
Worry—The amount I worried about Tessa while she was pregnant, while she was momming, and during her heartworm treatments has been all-consuming. I worry about her and her babies constantly. It’s the mama in me, I know. I just want them to be safe.
Sleep… What is that?—I think I am still catching up on all the sleep I lost while I was taking care of the puppies. Tessa had thirteen puppies and eight lactating nipples. Even after the puppies were weaned, they did not sleep through the night. It took months to get them into a rhythm. Even now, they are early birds… I am not. It’s a process.
Home Ownership—Buying a home was a process we had already started when I picked Tess up. Having her expedited the whole experience and dictated the houses we were looking at. Bigger became better in both square footage and yard size. I love my home, but it’s not the one I would have picked if I were still a one dog mom.
Taking Breaks—2020 would have been a taxing year without raising a pack. It felt like the emotional and psychological Olympics. I all but signed off of social media, blogging, and doing everything but the bare minimum in my social, work, and personal life. I did not and still do not have the emotional bandwidth to take on a lot. As a perfectionist managing my workaholism, having to settle for done and not working has been hard. I have finally been able to accept the fact that all the dogs are alive and healthy can be enough. That taking breaks from life (outside of responsibilities) is acceptable and necessary and sometimes even the healthiest thing to do. I will get back to being my Type A, workaholic self, but until I can, I’m not going to beat myself up about it.
Waking Up—I hate waking up. Tessa does not love lounging in bed past eight without getting up for breakfast and a potty break. Her preferred method of waking me up is by howling if she’s in her box or pouncing straight on my face if she’s sleeping in bed. Neither of which are my preferred method of waking up, so it’s an ongoing adjustment.
Cleaning—Cleaning has never been my favorite activity, but I am a neat freak. There’s a lot of letting go that happens when you have six dogs. Cleaning has not been one of them. Things are messier than they used to be, but I do not want my house to smell like dog. So I clean. I clean often.
Pack Discount—I have so many dogs, I get a pack discount at the vet. It’s something, and I’ll take it.
Embracing The Casual—I am a casual person, but casual is not my style. I love to look great, and I love having a house that looks pristine. Ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! I have six dogs now, so casual has become the de facto. I live in sweatpants and tshirts. I have accepted my legs and arms will be covered in scratches from Tessa’s playful and attention seeking sproings. I sadly cover my beautiful couch with blankets so it will last. I have begrudgingly accepted the casualness of my new life.
Pants—Speaking of sweatpants… I never wore pants around the house until Tessa and the puppies. She loves to jump around and throw her paws. Little she may be; gentle she is not. To protect myself, I have made the ultimate sacrifice. Every morning as I get out of bed, with sadness in my heart, I submit to leg prisons. This is the meaning of a mother’s love.
Love—The first night Tessa was in the house. I lay in bed listening to her breath. I was distraught with worry. I didn’t know if I could love another dog as much as I loved Beau. I was terrified Beau would feel less loved. I did not know if I had enough love to give Tessa and the puppies. I was an idiot. Love has been just about the only thing I have enough of. Love for them has given me the strength to lean on people, ask for help, accept my limitations, stand up for myself, set boundaries, and know when to say enough. As much as I love them, they have given it all back to me and so much more. Beau, Tess, Knight, Duke, Makeda, and Bear love me intensely. I have never felt more whole, more loved, more secure in the world than I do today. Tessa has changed so much of my life. So much of those changes have been challenging and heartbreaking, but it is completely worth it because of the love she and they give me every minute of every day. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for them.
It’s hard to fathom a year has gone by. Feeling simultaneously short and long, I had no idea what was coming at me 366 (leap year) days ago. The moment Dylan and I decided to keep Tess and take on the challenge of raising puppies and finding them homes, I knew it would be an adventure. Oh boy, has it been an adventure. The adventure of my life. Tess was a life altering decision. One that I made without really thinking about it. All I knew was I had to save that desperate dog from being hit by a car. Here we are.
It’s a little wobbly, but look at this awesome and delicious crêpe cake!
I’m a big lover of food. Like a BIG lover of food. I’m the epitome of a foodie. I love everything about it. From grocery shopping to cooking to eating to talking about food to watching cooking shows. I’m an adventurous cook and an even more adventurous eater. There’s really nothing I won’t try once. By once I mean, I’ll keep on trying to make sure I wasn’t wrong the fourth or seventh times. Sure, there are a few things that I’m not a huge fan of, but there’s really nothing I won’t eat if it’s put before me. The only real things I don’t love and avoid are ketchup and mustard. I don’t love them, but again, I will eat them if they’re placed in front of me.
Cooking and baking are things I do for fun, to show my love, to get creative, to destress, to have something to eat. Food is one of my love languages. If you enter my house and stay for long, I will try and feed you… By try, I mean, I almost always succeed.
I’ve never been one for setting goals or resolutions. I am creating an In The Kitchen To Do List for 2021. There are things I’ve never made but have always wanted to or things I just haven’t gotten around to or things I’ve been scared to take on. I’m going to try my hand and some of these things… Finally.
Full English Breakfast
Bûche de Noël
Jägerschnitzel
Kringla
Beef Wellington
Croissants
Black Bean Burgers
Pelmeni or пельмени
Black Forest Cake
Gluten free bread (gluten free baking scares me)
Italian Beef ala Portillos
January is pretty much a wash for me baking and cooking for a variety of reasons. That being said, if I tackle one of these every month, I can have the list done by next year. One a month… That’s not too daunting. I can do it. Probably.
Alright, I’m using a picture of a Chocolate Mousse Crêpe Cake with Candied Pecans I’ve made more than a few times over the years. I won’t be mean and not include the recipe. It’s delicious. All the parts individually are really easy. A crêpe cake seems far more daunting than it actually is. The hardest part is making the crêpes, and I promise you can do it… Just make a double batch and throw the first five out.
A delicious Chocolate Mousse Crêpe Cake!
Ingredients Crêpes
1 cup flour
1¼ cup milk
3 eggs
3 tbs. melted butter
¼ tsp. salt
2 tbs. sugar
1 tbs. vanilla extract
Chocolate Mousse
8 oz. cream cheese
2 cups heavy whipping cream
1½ cups powdered sugar
½ cup cocoa powder
2 tbs. vanilla extract
Candied Pecans
1 cup halved pecans
¼ heavy whipping cream
2 tbs. butter
1 cup brown sugar
1 tsp. cinnamon
½ tsp. nutmeg
¼ tsp. cloves
Directions Crêpes
Sift flour into a large bowl, and mix in dry ingredients.
Whisk in milk, eggs, and vanilla.
Fold in the melted butter.
Let rest for an hour. This really is an important step. (You can make the mousse!)
In a hot pan, (you don’t have to have a crêpe pan, just as flat as possible, nonstick is easiest) melt butter. Pour in enough batter to thinly coat the pan. Swirl the pan to evenly spread the batter.
Once little bubbles start to form, flip the crêpe.
When the crêpe is done, put on a plate to cool. (I put a sheet of wax paper on top so I can stack the crêpes without them sticking together.)
Repeat the cooking of the crêpes until all the batter is gone. Try and keep them equally sized and shaped… to the best of your ability.
Set aside to cool completely.
Chocolate Mousse
Make sure cream cheese is room temperature.
In a glass bowl, whip the heavy whipping cream until it becomes whipped cream. Set aside.
Whisk (either by hand or in an electric mixer) together the remaining ingredients until they are well blended. You can always add more or less cocoa powder to whatever your tastes are.
With a spatula, gently fold the whipped cream into the cream cheese mixture.
Place in the refrigerator until ready to assemble.
Candied Pecans
If you prefer walnuts (weirdo), you can do this with walnuts.
Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.
In a skillet, melt butter, brown sugar and spices.
Once the sugar mixture is bubbling and sugar is no longer grainy, pour in heavy whipping cream. Whisk until combined and bubbling.
Pour in the nuts and stir until they are completely coated in the sugar mixture.
Spread the nuts onto the baking sheet to cool completely.
Once cooled, crumble and separate the nuts so they’re not one giant glob.
Assembly
On whatever serving platter you’re going to use, lay the first crêpe down in the center.
Spread a thin layer of chocolate mousse on the crêpe.
Place the second crêpe as centered as you can on the first, then spread a thin layer of chocolate mousse.
Continue this process until you have used all the crêpes or it’s as tall as you want.
Cover the top of the cake with a thick layer of chocolate mousse. If you want, you can also cover the sides… I like a rustic looking cake, so I leave the sides bare.
Sprinkle the candied pecans over the top of the cake in whatever quantity makes you happy.
Place in the refrigerator to set for at least one hour.
