11..., Lifestyle

11… Ways I’m Combatting My Executive Dysfunction Problem

Historically, I have not struggled with executive dysfunction. Actually, I have always been incredibly good at all of those things. Which is the only reason I have managed to override the PTSD, anxiety, and depression that try very hard to keep me… doing absolutely nothing and being, arguably, on the verge of successful human. The last two years, though. Dude. Fucked up all my shit. I’m in a super not great place. And nowhere near where I want to be. In a lot of ways, I feel like I’m drowning under the pressures of trying to be the successful human I think I could potentially be someday. Also under the pressures of trying to live my life. I’ve never really had the luxury of saying: “This is what I want. This is who I am. I’m going for it.” I’m not going to bend to other people. 

I am a writer. It’s who I am, and who I’ve always been. It is an integral part of my identity. I’ve lost sight of that. Around six years ago, I stopped writing about the things that matter to me. And two years ago, I pretty much stopped writing entirely. Outside of the things I had to write to pay the bills… I wasn’t writing anything of note at all. 

These things make me happy and help keep me on task.

My life is completely different than it was two years ago. In so many ways, it looks the same from the outside. But I’m more me than I have been in probably ever. The first thing I have to get back is my ability to be productive. And not in the “The dogs aren’t dead, so it’s been a good day” way. I mean in the “I’m getting shit done, clean house, exercising, working thirteen hour days because I want to, going to sleep happy (that’s not been a consistent thing in my life ever)” way. The only way I can get to being that person again is by figuring out how to re-engage my executive functioning. So I’m trying, key word there, to do little things every day to get to where I need to be. Because I need to not be here anymore.

  1. Journaling I’m really bad at this. I have never kept a journal regularly. I’m not good at this. I’m not good at writing my inner dialogues down in fear that they will be read and used against me. This has happened the few times I did journal. I also think it’s important as a writer and memoirist to keep track of where I am and the journey I’m on. If I have kids one day, maybe they’ll get a kick out of how much of a mess their mom is/was, but I’m sure they’ll already be aware. 
  2. Eating Breakfast I’ve never been a breakfast eater. Actually, I have a hard time remembering to eat when I’m not feeding other people. Food is important to survival and brain function, apparently. 
  3. Lighting A Candle I grew up visiting St. Louis Cathedral in NOLA. I’m not Catholic, never have been, but we would always light a candle and say a prayer. I’ve continued that tradition every time I visit a cathedral. I am not religious in any way, but there’s something calming about lighting a candle and thinking on a thing before thinking on lots of things for work.
  4. Letting the Christmas Tree Be This is kind of a funny one. I’m KNOWN for letting my Christmas tree stay up far too long. Like. It’s become an Easter tree too long. This year, my big tree was out the door by January 15. The fake one in my office is still up. Partially because executive dysfunction. Partially because I really like it. So it’s staying until it bothers me. This also goes for the stacks of books I have around my office. They make me happy. A little nuts but happy.
  5. Flowers I love flowers and always have. I’ve always been the person that will happily buy myself flowers just because. I don’t have people who buy me flowers, so a woman’s gotta do it herself. I managed to snag myself a florist for a best friend who has convinced me to help her in her shop sometimes, so I keep myself well supplied in flowers. 
  6. Keeping A Book Close That Makes Me Smile Obviously I love being surrounded by books. An entire wall of my office is bookshelves. I’m a book critic. But some books just make me happy when they’re around. So I’ve started keeping a book on my desk that makes me smile every time I look at it. 
  7. Tea I call it inspiration water. I only drink tea in my office. Caffeine only affects my anxiety, but the way caffeine works in coffee is different from tea, so my anxiety lives a better life when I drink a gallon of tea at my desk instead. 
  8. Pride Things I’m really super gay. It’s something I haven’t talked about a whole lot over the course of my being out. It would pop up every pride as a reminder that straight passing relationships can still be queer, but the fact is… I’m just a lesbian. For as much as it is a part of my identity, it’s not a big part of my storytelling, so I’m popping the pride things around my office to remind myself I need to tell those stories too. Problem being: I write about my trauma, and I don’t have gay trauma. 
  9. Music I’ve always shied away from music outside of classical and instrumental jams while I work because I have a tendency to get distracted and want to dance and sing along. Not usually great for productivity… Except it might be. I’ve slowly started incorporating music I want to dance to as a way to give my brain a break and my body a chance to move. It’s way too soon to tell if this is helpful or counter productive.  
  10. Exercising I hate exercise. I don’t. But I do. It’s my least favorite activity I do willingly and regularly. It’s good for my brain. The more I move, the better my brain works. I’m still working on getting into that rhythm. 
  11. Spending Time With People and Not Working Workaholic has very much been my operating status for ever. Twelve hour days are a regular occurrence. Eighteen hour days aren’t unheard of. I have not been doing any of that since the pandemic began. I miss it, but I also know how wildly unhealthy that is. I’m trying to be more engaged with friends and surround myself with people who inspire me rather than need me to take care of them. 

bisous und обьятий,
RaeAnna

11..., Lifestyle

11… Coronavirus Quarantine Activities

Oh 2020… You have not begun the way I was hoping. Coronavirus has hit the world in pandemic proportions. With social distancing and quarantining being the thing to do, I figured I would share some wisdom when you’re stuck at home. 

My life has changed very little because of quarantining and social distancing. Working from home, being an extreme introvert, and having a very tiny social life means I don’t leave the house all that much. I have become quite the connoisseur of staying in. I’m quite the indoorsy lady. Beau misses the dog park, but she doesn’t mind the extra cuddles I’m able to give her because of my sluggish work schedule.

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Posing with my quaranteam! | Sweatshirt | Yoga Pants | Chair | Ottoman | Blanket |

  1. Read a book. This requires nothing but a cup of tea and a book. Dog cuddles make the activity even better. 
  2. Play board games. My personal favorite is Scrabble; it’s good for the brain; it’s good for the competitive spirit; it’s good fun.
  3. Have sex or masterbate. Whatever. Enjoy your significant other or yourself. You deserve it.
  4. Binge watch a cooking show. Find something ridiculous you want to try. Then try and make it. I suggest the Great British Bake Off. I have made several pastries in varying degrees of success. 
  5. Declutter. This is boring, but it will make you feel absolutely amazing when it’s all done. You also get bragging rights about not wasting your quarantine and being a badass. 
  6. Take up yoga/pilates/zumba/working out. I won’t do this, but I know some people have. It’s a good way to get flexible since we’re being forced to be flexible with our schedules.
  7. Download Duolingo and learn a language. Try Gaelic or Welsh or Vulcan. It could be fun and funny to show off your Elvish skills when you can go to bars again. 
  8. Watch those movies you’ve been wanting to watch but have never had the time to watch. Seriously. Dedicate a two day spree to watching those movies. We all have a list of them on Amazon, Netflix, Hulu, Vudu, or all of those. You know you want to. 
  9. Cuddle your dog. If you don’t have a dog, adopt a dog!
  10. Call the people you’ve been meaning to call or text them or even write a letter. They’re great; you miss them; reach out. I do love sending a good letter, but I’m a weirdo. I think we should bring letter writing back, though.
  11. Have a photoshoot. For real. Grab those clothes you LOVE but never have a chance or reason to wear. Head out with a friend or a tripod somewhere cute and take pictures. You deserve it. Plus you’ll have something cute to remember this disaster of a time. 

bisous und обьятий,
RaeAnna

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Blog + Dog

Ruff Holidays

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High fives for making it home alive.

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She’s excited to be able to go outside without three coats.

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Puppy kisses are the best kisses.

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There is no place like our chair. | [the softest] Pajamas | Bralette | Glasses | Blanket | Chair
As much as I love the holidays, sometimes they are really stressful. Holidays 2019 ended up stressing me out, but Beau was the one who suffered the most. She had a really rough holiday trip. It did not go so great for her, but the last leg was really the worst. 

People always wonder how Beau does in the car for long periods of time. Honestly, she does great. I think she does a better job handling the car rides than I do. Then again, she gets to sleep, and we’d all die if I did that. So no issues there. 

Beau stayed with Dylan and his family when I ran up to [not literally, I drove] my best friend’s in Minnesota. Dylan’s family has a German Shepherd, named Harley. He’s a lovely dog, but he likes to be all up in Beau’s face all the time. She loves to play, but she also likes to spend 92.3% of her time lying on the couch, sleeping. There was a ton of things going on combined with the dog, so Beau was on edge and stressed out of her mind. 

On Christmas Eve, Beau came to my family’s house. She did really well except for the cats. She wanted to play with the cats and give them all the mouth cuddles. I really do mean mouth cuddles; she didn’t want to hurt them, but she loves to mouth things. Suffice to say, she was crazy pants, and it stressed me out. My hand got scratched up by one of the cats because I got between them during a “CUDDLE ME!!!”/“DON’T FUCKING COME NEAR ME” encounter. Come to find out: If I left her alone in the house with the family, she didn’t mess with the cats…. I swear, dogs are just like kids. They’re on their best behavior when the parents aren’t around. I’d rather have her behave when I’m not around and test her boundaries when I am, though.  

So far so good. All of these things are completely manageable. A pain in the ass, but manageable. Part of life in a family. Part of life with a dog. 

What made the trip really hard was at my parents’ house in Ames, Iowa. What happened was no one’s fault. I’m not harboring any anger, but it was traumatic for Beau and for me. This past fall, my parents’ rescued a new dog. His name is Barney, and he’s very sweet. We don’t know anything about his background, but he’s getting used to his new life in my parents’ house. 

We pulled into my parents’ driveway just after dark and in the rain. We took the truck because it’s easier on Dylan’s back for long drives. We left Beau in the truck while we unloaded everything from the bed into the garage. Dylan let Beau out of the truck; Dad didn’t have a hold of Barney, and I was in the truck grabbing a few other things. All of a sudden, I heard snarling and screeching and yelling. I dropped everything and ran around the back of the truck. Beau was on top of Barney, and they were spiralling. It was like a horrible, terrifying scene of the worst dog fight you’ve ever seen in a movie. Dylan and Dad were trying to get them apart. I jumped in and reached between them (you’re not supposed to do that, but I’ll be damned if anything or anyone hurts my dog). I picked Beau up and had her in my arms. She was screaming, and Barney was hanging off of her with his teeth on her throat. My dad ended up punching Barney to get him to let go of her. Beau makes a lot of noise and pins other dogs when she’s attacked, but she doesn’t ever bite. Barney didn’t have a scratch on him. We thought Beau was fine because nothing was evident at first. An hour later, I looked at Beau, and her neck was covered in blood. Dylan and I took her into the bathroom. She had huge gauge marks on her neck and tons of scratches on her ears. She didn’t whine or complain once as we cleaned it, covered her in antibiotics, and wrapped her neck in a towel to protect it. 

I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. It was so bad, but it could have been so much worse. It wasn’t Barney’s fault or Beau’s fault. They’re both rescues. These things happen. Barney is still getting acclimated to his environment. By the end of the trip, they were getting along much better, but I won’t be leaving Beau alone with him in a room. Accidents happen. Beau’s wounds are all scabbed over and healing nicely. She was an absolute trouper. I can’t believe how brave and strong she was through every cleaning and disinfecting. It still makes my stomach churn when I think about it, but it’s behind us now. 

We are VERY happy to be home. Beau is feeling much better after the holidays now that she’s in the comfort and predictability of home. We’ve been cuddling a LOT in our big comfy chair. The holidays are beautiful, but the everyday pieces of life are my favorite bits. I wouldn’t change these simple beautiful moments with Beau for anything in the whole wide world. Our chair is our happy place. I’m watching her snore, curled up in the chair as I type away. 

bisous und обьятий,
RaeAnna

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That’s the are you out of treats? face.

Blog + Dog

I Bought A Chair

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Beau is thoroughly enjoying our [her] new chair.
 

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She’s so photogenic when she’s comfy and hogging the chair… | Chair | Ottoman | Sweater | Red Blanket | Sherpa Blanket | Blue Sequin Pillow | Green Pillow | Christmas Mug | Vase | Decorative Present | Fairy Lights | Ornaments

I work from home. When we moved into our bigger apartment, I knew I needed an office because it’s hard to motivate yourself to work when your office is your bed. We moved into a three bedroom apartment, and I monopolized the smallest of the three bedrooms for my office because I liked the bay window. At the time, my bookshelves took up one wall; otherwise, it was empty. 

The first thing I bought was a desk so I didn’t have to sit on the ground. The criteria: no drawers. Drawers are distracting junk collectors. Next, was a big calendar white board for me to plan my non-existent social life and all my work projects. 

My office is my favorite room in the house. I spend more time in my office than I spend literally anywhere else. I wake up, take the dog out, make a pot of tea, and start reading in my office for an hour before I start working. There are days, like today, I spend more than fifteen hours working in my office. It needs to be homey, comfy, and a reflection of me from the look, to the smell, to the feel, to the comfort. I want to walk in and be happy. My office isn’t perfect yet, but it’s damn close. There are a few more things on my list to make my office perfect. The biggest and most expensive purchase was the latest. 

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Beau’s only sharing because she wants to look like a good dog for posterity… | Chair | Ottoman | Sweater | Red Blanket | Sherpa Blanket | Blue Sequin Pillow | Green Pillow | Christmas Mug | Vase | Decorative Present | Fairy Lights | Ornaments

I have had a papasan since my 22 birthday. I love it, but it’s not conducive to work or reading with a 60 pound Beau in my lap. I’ve been wanting an oversized armchair for awhile, but they’re not cheap, and I had a very specific thing in mind. I had been eyeing an oversized chair recently that wasn’t exactly what I wanted, but it was as close as I’m likely to get on my budget. Two weeks ago, we bought it. 

I bought the chair for me, but Beau has monopolized it. The moment it was set up in my office, Beau started dogging it up. She has a memory foam dog bed next to my desk. Now as I type away at my desk, she stares at me from my chair. She loves it so much, she hangs out in it while she’s home alone. I like to think it’s a testament to how cozy and me-like my office is. It’s probably just the chair. We can easily sit side by side in it or curled up together. 

I didn’t think my office could get any better, but I guess it can. The chair has made me very happy and even more productive. Maybe more importantly, it has made Beau’s life happier. She has less anxiety when we leave her home alone, and she’s as happy as happy can be curled up while I work. 

bisous und обьятий,
RaeAnna

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