Tag: RaeAnna Rekemeyer

11..., Lifestyle, So Gay

11… Reasons I’m Proud… of Myself

RaeAnna

This is hard. Necessary. But hard.

Human and happy.

It’s Pride Month, and my heart hasn’t been in it, which is fine and life. Some years, things hold less weight in our hearts or minds than other years, and that’s okay. But I need to care a little bit because I am le gay, and I can’t not. So here I am, forcing myself to Pride for the last eleven days, and I’m starting in the most uncomfortable way I can.  

Being proud of literally anyone I know is so easy for me. Like… have you seen people? Pretty incredible. Okay, less so for white dudes. I’m so proud of my people for just being them. To the point I could explode with how incredible and strong I know they are. 

How do I do that? How do I give myself even a modicum of grace I give everyone else? What have I done deserving enough of pride? Nothing. That is my visceral answer. That is what I truly believe to my core. I have done nothing nor am I worthy of being proud of myself. I know, logically, this is not true, but it feels true. My internal monologue can be boiled down to: feelings fighting logic. Feelings never win out against logic. Except when logic is trying to convince my feelings that I’m a good or decent human deserving… anything remotely on the cusp of kindness. Pride falls into this strange category of feeling based on logical analysis. Or it is, at least, for me.  

Making myself create a list of reasons I’m proud feels like a form of self-harm; though, I know, it’s actually a good exercise in self-love, which is indicative that I love myself. I do not. I am solidly pretending that I love myself. Fake it til you make it. Going on 32 years, I’ve gotta have a breakthrough at some point in time. It’s not today, but over the course of 16 days—truly started this one a hot minutes ago—I came up with this list. I stretched. Maybe #12 should be: I’m really proud I finished this list and actually put it into the world. 

Just a Pride photoshoot. Nothing to see.
  1. I came out. Simultaneously the easiest and hardest thing I’ve ever done. 
  2. I am alive.
  3. I got tattoos. I now have ten with appointments for two more this fall. They make me happy. They make my body feel like it belongs to me just a little bit. My tattoos are personal and public reclamation and declaration.
  4. I don’t respond to my parents’ anymore.
  5. I cut out toxicity. The people who made me feel anxious, less than, unworthy, undeserving, too much. I shut out the people who wouldn’t or couldn’t match me. Being in my life is an investment, just like I believe being in other people’s lives is an investment; so I’m not making shitty investments anymore. 
  6. My puppies are safe and loved. In 2020, I spent a lot of time, money, and emotion rescuing and raising a dog and her thirteen puppies. Every single one of them is safe, happy, loved, and thriving in their furever homes. 
  7. I’m chasing peace rather than chaos.
  8. I’ve sought out friends who accept me as I am.
  9. I keep going.
  10. I’m trying really hard. 
  11. I’m making an effort to be vulnerable with those who have earned it. 

bisous un обьятий,
RaeAnna

Blog + Dog

Beau Is Back at the Beach

RaeAnna

Mom guilt is a real thing. I suffer from an acute case of dog mom guilt. Particularly when it comes to my original love: Beau. 

She is so beautiful

I adopted Beau six years ago. So she spent more than three years living her best life as the sole proprietor of double-income parents. Then her mom—that would be me—had to go fuck shit up for her by bringing home a very pregnant tiny tot of a dog, and by tiny, I mean, Tessa is 35 pounds. 

Poor Beau. Her home had been invaded, and now, she is the proud matriarch of five underlings. She does love the fear she strikes into all their hearts. She also loves having built in playmates to torture. I will never know how my eight year old dog runs the shit out of four three-year-olds. She is aging well.

I realized last week, Beau is in fact aging. My once energizer bunny who would zoomy all across the beach and any free space, preferred sitting on the beach, watching Mommy and a friend play in the water. She ran around, digging and playing, but she was calmer and far better behaved than she’s ever been in her entire life. As proud as I am, I hate it. She’s getting older. She’s far from old, but her age is starting to show. She used to bound into the ocean, sticking her entire head under water. She would dig a huge hole and roll around in it. She would leap to catch sand, yes sand, in her mouth. She would run as the waves came in and chase them out again. When I would run out into the ocean, Beau would be on my heels. At one point, I was standing a ways out, about knee deep, for ten minutes or so. Eventually, Beau decided I’d had enough deep water time, so she swam out, poked me with her nose, and made it clear I was to come back to the safety of the shore. 

The mom guilt comes in because, well, it’s always there about everything. Yet, I hadn’t taken Beau to the beach since before the pandemic. She loves it there so much, and I forgot to make time. Three years is such a long time in a dog’s life, and I deprived her of a great love for three years all because I forgot to make time. 

There is no one more precious in all the world.

What in the actual fuck, RaeAnna?!

I am an absolute failure of mother. Absolute might be a bit extreme. They’re loved, healthy, sheltered, and well-fed. Feeding my girl’s soul? That’s also important, and I forgot. I’ve forgotten to feed my own, but that’s my fault. Beau doesn’t have a voice or a choice. It’s my privilege to make her life the best it can be. Pre-pandemic, pre-puppies, Beau was on the go 24/7 as we traveled the country together. She has lived an adventurous life, but her life got small in the last three years, and that’s on me. 

So I’m going to do better by Beau and all the others. Unfortunately, Beau has less time. It’s the reality of dogs’ lives, but it’s the reality of her being the oldest. The days are ticking. They always have been. Going to the beach last week reminded me just how precious every single moment with her and her siblings is. 

She does not put up with my shenanigans.
Books, Reading Lists

A Stack of Novels I Read Once Upon A Time

RaeAnna
Look! A stack of books!

I read these books too long ago to actually review them. So I’m not going to. I also took the picture with these for a roundup so long ago I not only had bangs, long hair, I was also blond, and in a skirt. So enjoy the flashback. 

I do remember reading all these books. So I’ll give a brief: here’s what I remember thinking while I read this because my memory is still good enough for that. I’ll thank the gym because that’s why I’m going now that I’m creeping ever closer to decrepitude. Anyways, I have loads more books that will go uncriticized because I was lazy for years and don’t feel like going back. So I’ll work my way back into being a book critic, kind of. 

Destination Wedding Diksha Basu
I don’t remember loads about this one, but I do remember it being fun and witty. I read it on vacation, and it triggered all my Indian wedding jealousies. I liked this one. 

A great pool read.

Djinn Patrol on the Purple Line Deepa Anappara
This was heartbreaking as it dives into the endemic problem of the multitudes of missing children in India along with the ever-present and ever-growing wealth disparity in India. A social commentary told with equal parts mysticism and realism. I just want to hug and save all the kids.

God Spare the Girls Kelsey McKinney
I hate how authentic this felt. Set in small town Texas, the pastor’s two daughters are faced with life-altering decisions when their father’s secrets are revealed. It’s a story about womanhood and sisterhood and finding one’s truest self in the face of patriarchal society.  

Do you not read like this?

Little Gods Meng Jin
The plot of this book is an absolute mystery to me even after googling it. I don’t remember anything about this other than it exists on my bookshelf, there are in fact notes in it, so all evidence points to I did read it. So that’s telling.

Men, Women & Children Chad Kultgen
Written by a Chad, strike one. Though, that might be why it was so cringingly realistic about the horrible way men talk about women and sex and how that affects those men’s sons vernacular, which all affects the women they supposedly love. I just remember hating the men in this one.

Native Son Richard Wight
Ooof! It’s a classic for a reason. It is a truly remarkable and gut wrenching story. Layered and nuanced, it’s one of those books that makes you think. There’s a reason it’s taught in curriculums: fantastic discussion piece. 

So We Meet Again Suzanne Park
Typically, rom-com books don’t call to me, but every once in awhile, I’ll crack their spine. I love that it’s about two Asians just doing life and falling in love. There really does need to be more inclusion and representation in the books we publish and advertise. 

The Heiress Molly Greeley
Who doesn’t love a weird Pride & Prejudice spin off. This is done fine. I remember not hating it. It was cute, but I wouldn’t call it a social critique to rival the original. 

The Sinful Lives of Trophy Wives Kristin Miller
There’s murder and jealousy and mystery and wives in expensive clothing. That’s all I remember. I’m sure they figure out who done it at the end; I just don’t remember. 

The Vegetarian Han Kang
Incredibly moving and well written. It also made my skin crawl during a great many moments. I loved it in the I didn’t like it at all kind of way. Beautifully written. Absolutely art. I hated the content, which is exactly the icky feeling it’s supposed to give off. 

Transcendent Kingdom Yaa Gyasi
A bit disappointed by Gyasi’s second novel. She wrote one of my favorite books on her first try, and this one fell flat in comparison. A great book, but it’s hard to love when you know what the author is capable of creating. 

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In My Own Words, Lifestyle

11… Memories We’ve Made Over Seven Years

RaeAnna

Seven years ago today, Dylan leaned against my car and asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes, thinking we’d have a summer fling. We did, but the fling just kept on flinging. I don’t think we could look back on our relationship and call it a fling. We’ve for sure progressed into pawtner territory, which is what we call each other because we are partners in parenting our doggos and in life because that’s just what happens when you build a home with someone. 

Does he still cut my hair?

There is no way I could have known that “yes” would involve moving cross country, starting a new career, adopting a dog, then fourteen whittled down to five more dogs, buying a house, and so many more things. Seven years is such a long time to intertwine lives with someone. It’s been a giant roller coaster. There have been good years and bad years and in between years. We’ve built a life and a family together. We’ve gone through so very much from traveling to moving three times to deaths to COVID to quarantine to not getting paid by the government for months to friend breakups to figuring out who we are to my health issues to so many fucking things, and I don’t hate him. Pretty sure he doesn’t hate me yet either. That’s a win. 

Our family is about as far from traditional as we could possibly be, and yet we’re still here making it work every day. It’s not always easy, but we do our best, and most days, that’s good enough. After seven years, there’s not much I don’t know about him and vice versa. He knows me about as well as any human can. And on the bad days, he is the one I come home to and look to for comfort. He’s my best friend, support system, and pawtner. 

We’d known each other fourteen days… I thought he was crazy and a saint.

People have never been something I take for granted. I tend to not believe people love me or want me in their life. It’s something I will probably always struggle with. One of the few things in my life I do not question: Dylan’s love for me and my love for him. It’s a choice that we continue to make. We choose to love each other, and that means more because I know his capacity for good and bad and he knows mine. He has had every opportunity to stop loving me, to stop choosing me, and he never has. In my life, that is a gift I do not receive lightly. It is a gift I will forever be grateful for. 

Today, I’m looking back at some of my favorite memories we’ve shared. From the ridiculous to the sweet. We’ve lived a life together. I genuinely love our home and family; it means everything to me.

  1. Thirteen days into knowing each other, we went out for my friend’s 21st birthday. I voluntold Dylan to drive. I got so trashed, I ended up peeing my pants and throwing up in his truck. The actual story is far funnier. I lost my underwear in his truck for seven months. I got cocky and mean and an overall shit-show. I woke up thinking I would never hear from this man ever again… I woke up to a text telling me how much he adored me and was grateful I wanted to be with him. So then I thought something was wrong with him… There is, but luckily for me, it’s thinking I’m great.
  2. He loves race cars. It’s why we moved to Houston, but we always had so much fun going to the racetrack together that first summer. I loved watching him race and nerd out on all the things. 
  3. We moved to Houston with my clothes, his clothes, my mattress, my kitchen stuff, and that’s really it. The first month in our apartment we sat on a blanket in the middle of the living room. We moved with two weeks notice and almost no money. We were so poor, and we had a blast. (Holy fuck, look at us now. We have too much stuff.)
  4. Adopting Beau was a huge step for us, and one of the best decisions he pressured me into. No regrets. Six and a half years later, she’s still our best girl.
  5. He started cutting my hair when we moved to Houston because I’m too lazy to find a new hairstylist and make an appointment… He still does.
  6. No one is as enthusiastic or supportive of my love of carousels. He hops on with me every time, so we can enjoy it together. Then he lets me ride it alone so he can make sure I get a picture. 
  7. During our 2018 trip to Steamboat Springs, Colorado, he let me get him up at 4:30 in the morning so we could watch the hot air balloon festival and the sun rise. It’s still one of my favorite memories.
  8. We moved out of our one bedroom apartment into a bigger apartment in 2019, which allowed me the space to have my first office. Game changer. He pushed for the move, so that I could have the space since I work from home and have no escape. 
  9. He didn’t even bat an eye when he walked in the door one day in February 2020 to find a new and very pregnant dog in the house. He just kinda looked at me and went, “So we’re doing this?” And I was like… “It’s up to you!” So now we have six dogs instead of the one. 
  10. We bought a house. For the dogs. And ourselves. Mostly for the dogs. 
  11. How much he has loved and supported me as best as he can while I navigated my career, my dreams, my travel, my friends, my coming out story. At the end of the day, he is by my side and asks me to just be me because it’s enough. 

Bonus

12. He made our home a safe space for me to be me and write what I want to write and feel all of my feelings. He has given me the gift of time. Time to heal and grow and discover and exist. He has shared my pain and joys and burdens and fears. He’s not perfect. Sometimes, he’s a real asshat. But he loves me fiercely, and all he wants is for me to be safe and happy and healthy. And we’re learning how to navigate what that looks like. We’re no longer 23 and 25. We’re in our 30s. We’re entirely different people, and we have found a way to love each other for who we were and who we’ve become. I hope to continue finding ways to love each other in all our variations to come. Because I can’t see my life without the man I thought I’d have a fling with. 

Self-care is important.
Our first beach trip with our girl.
Our first picture in our first apartment together.
One of the best days and memories.
He always rides the carousel with me.
This was the announcement picture when we rescued the puppies.
We had to announce buying a house with some Pride. I wasn’t an out lesbian yet, but I was a proud pansexual!
A month into dating… We were weird and still are.
11..., Lifestyle

11… Ways I Try to Show Up for My People

RaeAnna

People who don’t know me very well have the impression that I’m a genuinely optimistic human with an ability to always find the silver lining. Even people who do know me quite well think of me as such. I’ve recently been in touch with a friend who, at one point in time, knew me better than almost anyone, and he described me as always able to find the silver lining. It got me thinking in the way things that take me off guard usually do.

Why do so many people see me as a silver lining, glass half full, optimistic, ray of sunshine human, when the reality is so starkly different? Only my closest friends realize the depth of my nihilism. I am such a dark and twisty human. I only see worst case scenario.

A woman in a vest sitting on the ledge of a scenic overlook in the Appalachia mountains in Tennessee.
There is something very peaceful about being in nature. It makes my loneliness feel so much less.

As so much in my life, there is the public and the private. The me the world experiences versus the me that only I know and my best friends get glimpses of. To the world and in interactions with other humans, I wouldn’t call myself optimistic but I present reality. “That sucks, but it’s not forever.” is something I say often. Often people don’t need optimism because that can be toxic. People just want and need their feelings and thoughts to be heard and validated. I’m really good at that. I’m also just really good at showing up in the dark times. For others, I can see the potential, light, and possibility lying ahead of them. Within and for myself, I live in a space of nihilistic gloom. 

Why am I so good at appearing like a happy, stable person?

Boiling it all the way down… I don’t ever want anyone to feel the depth of my loneliness. So I learned how to say all the right things at exactly the right time because no one has ever done that for me. People are not the same. Everyone has specific needs and desires and boundaries. Some people need optimism. Some people need silence. Some people need anger. Some people need hope. Some people need sadness. Some people need reality. I have the ability to know the person and what they want and need to hear. Most people treat people the way they want to be treated. I read people and treat them the way they crave to be treated. People don’t see me, and they definitely do not see me to my core. 

There is something so intrinsically optimistic about being seen by someone else. It gets so much easier to show up for people when I can see what they need when they need it. I fail all the time at showing up for my people. I do my best and sometimes that’s not good enough. But I keep trying to show up. It’s hard to feel alone when someone in the world sees you. So people see me as optimistic because I give them what they need when they need it, and it’s really hard to think of that person as anything other than a rainbow person.

I’ve only touched on that feeling twice, but it just made me more lonely. They almost saw me, but couldn’t quite push far enough to really see me. Or probably more realistic, they pushed as far as they cared to go. And it’s a little bit devastating to feel almost seen. The other part of me thinks, “Thank God. They would’ve left so much faster if they truly saw me.”

A woman in a vest sitting on the ledge of a scenic overlook in the Appalachia mountains in Tennessee.
I loved this moment. So much.

Ultimately, I have always shown up for other people in every way no one has shown up for me and in every way I cannot show up for myself. 

  1. “I love you.” I tell my people I love them. All the time. Every time I see them. Except for the people who are weird about hearing it, so I only tell them on special occasions. Sometimes, I just randomly text my people I love them. 
  2. My calendar is always up to date. This seems weird. I’m very good with dates in general, so this, by and large, is unnecessary because I will probably remember. But, just in case I don’t, I put everything on my calendar. Sad days in friends’ lives along with anniversaries and birthdays and really anything in between. It all goes on my calendar, so that every year, I can reach out or plan something depending on the event or memory. I don’t want to forget the important things in friends’ lives.
  3. Giving flowers. I have always been someone to show up with flowers for all kinds of events. Flowers make things better, and they at least bring a breath of fresh air to a space, which helps on bad days and good days. This has been made even easier with a florist best friend and my role in her company. I get to give my people much better flowers now.
  4. Making a thing out of birthdays. I try to go big for birthdays. I’ve kinda sucked at it the last couple years. Birthdays are an annual reminder of who gives a shit. Granted life happens and there’s a grace period, but those who care show up in one way or another. I try to do just that.
  5. If I’m left alone in a friend’s house, I will probably leave a whole bunch of notes around the place for them to find randomly. The notes may range from funny to serious to sweet to everything in between. 
  6. Showing up without an invitation. I do not do this to everyone because that’s a lot. For my really close people, if I know things are tough, I will pop by unannounced with the things I know will make them feel better. It’s hard to not accept love and help if it’s smiling at you on your doorstep with your favorite things.
  7. I love being behind the camera, so I take pictures all the time. I love taking candid and posed pictures of my people. From random days to actual photoshoots, I want to capture my people as they live their lives. I don’t want them to look back and wish they had more pictures of themselves, so I do. 
  8. Let me feed you. Cooking and baking is one of my biggest love languages. I love feeding people their favorite foods. Food feeds our bodies so we can keep going. Good food feeds the soul so we can keep going in the most fundamentally important way. 
  9. When traveling, I like to send my people postcards. Who doesn’t feel a little special getting anything in the mail that’s not a bill? Postcards are fun. They’re also getting harder and harder to find as less and less people send them. But I still search them out and send them anyway.
  10. Random compliments. Most of my people are not words of affirmation people, but that doesn’t mean they don’t need or deserve to hear just how much they mean to me. 
  11. I see people’s hearts and souls. Call it trauma. Call it PTSD. Call it being a stripper. Call it autism. Whatever the reason, I tend to read people who they are and not just their public selves. It can be the most raw and intimidating feeling having someone outside of yourself know you, but I tend to see people. And apparently that’s a gift to them. Or a curse. I guess, it just depends. 

Life is hard enough as it is. We don’t need to make it any harder. So I hope your people show up for you in all the ways you need them to. If they don’t, go find new people. They might be difficult to find, but they are out there. Go find them. Let them show up for you in all the ways you show up for them. You deserve an army of people who love you for all that you have to offer, whether you’re a bubbly, rainbow human or dark and twisty. Don’t settle for anything less. 

bisous un обьятий,
RaeAnna

Books, NonFiction

Humanity of Horses in Sarah Maslin Nir’s Horse Crazy

RaeAnna

Worth A Read Yes
Length 304
Quick Review An exploration of the constant search for love, meaning, and belonging so many people find in animals, but this is a tale of finding stories and horses in the most unusual places. 

Just a good day.
Horse kisses are almost as good as my dogs’ kisses.

I’m a wanna-be horse girl. I have loved horses forever but grew up around cows. In college, I dated a man who’s mom has horses. Her farm is still one of my favorite places in the world. 80% because of the horses. They make me happy, but then again, all animals do. Reading Horse Crazy was like diving into a completely different yet oh so similar life’s journey. I think animal people, in the way Sarah Maslin Nir is, will find pieces of themselves tucked away within these pages.

Nir writes a fascinating and engaging memoir. She grew up in New York City with the kind of privilege that allowed her to be a true horse girl, which would have provided the backdrop for an already interesting memoir. Growing up Jewish on the Upper East Side, she’s the daughter of a holocaust survivor father and a workaholic mother. She was an outsider in New York City because of her love for horses. She was an outsider within the equestrian community as a city girl. Even within her family, she was often left alone. Though she has three half brothers, they’re two decades older and barely claimed her as family. She sought out community and belonging but found horses to be the only beings to truly understand and accept her.   

There is so much cool stuff in Horse Crazy. I legitimately learned a lot. Nir answers questions, I never even thought about. There are horses in New York City… Where do they live? Not only does she answer that question, she dives into the history of Black cowboys in the United States, brutalities of horse training, the rampant neglect and abuse that’s part of the horse life, and so many other things. 

There’s such a humanness to Nir’s persistent struggle with feeling worthy within her family and the world. She found validation through horses. Even when people tore her down and made her feel less than while training, horses were always there for her. I get that. More days than not, I only find validation from my dogs. Animals, whether they be horses or dogs or cats or a pet tarantula, are so many people’s joy and unconditional love and even lifeline to continued existence. 

Honestly, this is my happy place.

Horse Crazy is well written, funny, relatable, and filled with amazing moments of humanity. I’d read it again. 

bisous und обьятий,
RaeAnna

Buy on Amazon

Title: Horse Crazy; The Story of a Woman and a World in Love with an Animal
Author: Sarah Maslin Nir
Publisher: Simon & Schuster
Copyright: 2020 
ISBN: 9781982145484