2020 has been a shit year. I hate generalizations, but I think the world will agree with me on this one. It’s been a Biblical plague level disaster of a year. Part of me is so ready for it to be over, and the other part of me is terrified 2021 will pop and say, “So you thought 2020 was bad? Wait and see what I have planned.” I am truly concerned that this is the new reality for the world. My biggest life goal as an adventure seeker and travel enthusiast is to see the world. 2020 was supposed to be a year of international travel. None of that happened, but I am terrified in my core, that this is the new status quo. What if I can’t see the world?
I’ve been emotionally distancing myself from 2020. Even though this year has produced more fodder for my social justice focused writing career, I have not been able to actually write about it. It hurts my heart too much. So I have spent all of 2020 avoiding 2020 and not doing my job and writing about the world and how it’s a dumpster fire on steroids.
- Puppies… I’ve been avoiding this year with puppies. Not only is this good for my mental health and increases the amount of love and affection I have in my life, it has also been good for the puppies. They didn’t die on the street with their mom from exposure or starvation. That’s dark but not untrue. I love my dogs, and they drained the life out of me for many months, but I would not change a Goddamn thing.
- Netflix… They keep making new shows and movies, and I must watch them or I won’t know what’s going on in the world. Or I add them all to my list and never feel like I’m in the mood for that particular show or starting a new series or a movie or whatever so then I… [see #9]
- Sleep… I have never been a great sleeper. I pushed my parents sleep deprivation limits within the first year of my life because I didn’t sleep. Now, I just push my own limits of sleep deprivation. With work being less crazy—thanks COVID—and me having nowhere to go, I’ve been trying to give myself a normal human sleep schedule for the first time in my life. It’s not going great.
- Nyquil Induced Sleep… When I can’t sleep and I need to sleep but the anxiety is too high, I do the healthy thing and drug myself to sleep with Nyquil. Why am I admitting this online? In the vain of honesty? Maybe I’m just too sleep deprived to know better. Either way, this is a thing I do sometimes.
- Relentless Existential Crises… The inside of my brain is not a happy place. I am an existentialist (just kidding, I’m a full on nihilist but that doesn’t sound as cute). I trend towards nothing means anything! and why do I even try? and my credit score won’t matter when I die! and it will all end in the Big Crunch anyways! Like I said, not a happy place, and this is what I crawl in bed with every night.
- Reading… I have been reading without writing book reviews. Woops! There is a very large pile of books waiting to be reviewed sitting on my desk. I need to get to them, but I haven’t been able to force myself into being a productive human and writing down my thoughts for you all to not read.
- Anxiety Induced Paranoia… Hi! I’m a human. I have anxiety. It’s debilitating and sometimes gives me streaks of paranoia. Like: My life-partner no longer loves me and has changed the locks, left my stuff by the curb, and won’t let me back in the house all because he fell asleep, forgot to plug in his phone, and can’t answer my call because the phone is dead. I absolutely do not have abandonment issues. But the anxiety monster pops up and says: You’re not worth being loved, so here’s a terrible situation that could TOTALLY happen and has happened. You’re now homeless. Best wishes.
- Staring At My Computer and Doing Nothing… I absolutely am always productive. This is a lie. There are some days when I say “I’m going to be productive!” So I sit down at my computer. Open a document to start writing and finally make a tiny dent in my ever growing pile of books and blog posts I want/need to write. As I gaze upon my computer with my hands on the keys, I am overcome by the feeling of NOPE! So I stare at my computer and pretend like I was productive for two hours before saying, “Well, I tried.” I end it all by cuddling dogs and reading another book I hope to review someday.
- Rewatching Shows I’ve Already Seen Too Many Times… This is a thing people with anxiety do. They rewatch shows over and over and over again because it’s comforting because we know what is going to happen. Instead of starting new shows, I just rewatch the old ones. This is the most productive thing (other than puppies) that I have done during quarantine. Sue me. I didn’t bake sourdough.
- Planning To Tackle Projects And Then Never Doing Anything… I NEED TO SET UP MY OFFICE AND PAINT MY HOUSE. I haven’t. I have all the things I need for my office, and yet it hasn’t been done. Oh well. That’s life. I know in my head what my house will look like when it’s done. It is beautiful. Reality: The walls are a terrible and dated color of greige.
- Staring At The Ceiling… When in doubt. Lay in bed and stare at the ceiling doing nothingness. Seriously. Nothing but drown in self-doubt, anxiety, worry, and nihilism.
Sending all my love to everyone who reads this and everyone who doesn’t. The world is a terrifying place right now. I’m hoping it gets better and we can all see and love one another again. Until then, I’ll just be here keeping up with avoiding 2020.
bisous un обьятий,
RaeAnna
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