Books, NonFiction

Childhood Trauma in Alan Cummings’ Not My Father’s Son

Read Yes
Length 294
Quick Review A beautifully honest dive into heartbreaking memories that helped create an incredible talent in actor Alan Cummings. 

Reading Not My Father’s Son with my boy, Knight.

Alan Cummings is a celebrated actor with exceptional range. Acting wasn’t just a calling, it was a means to an end, the way to survive being at home with his father. He revisits the childhood trauma that led to an acting career with painful sincerity in his memoir Not My Father’s Son

Growing up in rural Scotland, Alan Cummings was different. He was not the son his father wanted. He was not like his older brother, but his brother did not inspire warmth or fatherly love either. He recalls the moments and memories that made him full of abuse, joy, fear, and affairs. With each heartstopping recollection, a vivid picture of the resilient man Cummings became solidifies in the reader’s mind. Adulthood meant escaping the house that held so many terrifying years and life to be proud of, but even in the face of freedom, Cummings’ past is a part of his present. 

I have a love for memoires. Memory is fascinating, and what stays in one person’s mind as a defining moment in their lives tells a great deal about who they are and how they see themselves. Not every writer can delve into their emotional past with the same raw integrity Cummings does. He has an intense ability to capture his childhood fears and memories and desires for better within the page. There is bravery in the way he writes and tells the world, ‘This is who I am and who I came from, but I am more than this.’ As a grown woman dealing with the psychological violence of childhood, I could wholly identify with Cummings as I read, “It is a startling thing, the need to feel utterly believed.” Violence does not happen in a vacuum, but it is often recovered from in one. Having just one person who believes in the truth of your story is a powerful thing and the greatest gift you can give a survivor.  

Trauma and violence is a fickle thing. Cummings is able to bring words to the effects of living in a home where violence is as much a family member as his mother, brother, and father, “I actually think the prolonged period of tension before landing his blows, as we were systematically inspected, chided, and humiliated, had a far worse effect than the actual hits.” The relationship between parent and child is so emotionally complex. Even in the face of violence and being the target of hatred, Cummings doesn’t shy away from the complexity of this relationship with his father and the need to be a good son in Not My Father’s Son, “My father continued to have affairs throughout my childhood, and they were not subtle or discreet.” “I understood that I had to collude, to protect my father, even though he didn’t deserve it.”

Not My Father’s Son is not just the story of Cummings’ relationship with his father, though it is devoted heavily to it. His mother was an integral part of the family and who he would become. For as much belittling as he experienced at the hands and words of his father, he also experienced true love and compassion from his mother, “She [mother] told me I was special and loved. And actually, having two such opposing messages, although confusing, was ultimately pretty healthy. My father told me I was worthless, my mother that I was precious. They couldn’t both be right, but they evened each other out and I began to make my own mind up, not just about myself but about everything that was going on around me.” 

Cummings is sensational at creating an emotionally grounded and tangled picture of growing up. For every person who has experienced violence or trauma, it is a revelation. I did not live his life in any way, but I could find my own story within his truths. Not My Father’s Son is the story of one man overcoming and living with a childhood that could have ruined him. Through the pain and the violence, Cummings shows grace. One of the most touching and human moments can be found in the acknowledgments when he thanks his father, “Thank you, Alex Cumming, for siring me and ensuring I will have lots of source material. I forgive you.” It is a beautiful memoir. 

Memorable Quotes
“It has not been pleasant as an adult to realize that dealing with my father’s violence was the beginning of my studies of acting.”
“Memory is so subjective. We all remember in a visceral, emotional way, and so even if we agree on the facts—what was said, what happened where and when—what we take away and store from a moment, what we feel about it, can vary radically.”
“For yes, being a woman, even one with a penis and for the purposes of drama, really made me feel that women have been coerced into a way of presenting themselves that is basically a form of bondage. Their shoes, their skirts, even their nails seem designed to stop them from being able to escape whilst at the same time drawing attention to their sexual and secondary sexual characteristics. And I think that has happened so that men feel they can ogle them and protect them in equal measure.”

bisous und обьятий,
RaeAnna

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Title: Not My Father’s Son
Author: Alan Cumming
Publisher: Dey St. (William Morrow – HarperCollins)
Copyright: 2014
ISBN: 9780062225061

In My Own Words, Lifestyle

A Stressed Christmas

I LOVE Christmas. I really love Christmas. 

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We’re partying it up in our house with beer (or a teacup that says whiskey with Dr. Pepper inside). | Beau’s sweater | Candy Cane Dress | Glasses | Ugly Sweater | PJ Pants | Socks | Santa Bag | Tree | Earrings |

The holidays are literally my happiest time of the year. I spend two months baking, listening to Christmas movies, wrapping presents, buying presents, making sure the house looks and smells festive. I want everyone who walks in the door to be hit in the face with good cheer and cookies. There’s nothing about the Christmas season I don’t love. That I can think of in this moment. It is absolutely enchanting to me, and it always has been. 

I’m friends with a lot of parents. Christmas is four days away, and so many of my parenting friends are over it. In a lot of ways, I DON’T GET IT!!! How can anyone not love the best time of year. In other ways, I totally get it. It’s the time of the year, where your house should look like a magazine all the time because friends and family are coming over. It should look and feel like Christmas. Bake some cookies. Clean. Buy a tree. Clean. Buy presents. Clean. Don’t forget any presents for anyone let alone your friend’s parent’s dog. Put up the tree. Decorate. Clean some more. Throw a party. Go to twelve parties. Make sure you have an ugly Christmas sweater. Clean that thing five more times because life happens and things get dirty. 

There is more pressure than any other time of year to be the perfect ‘50s family in a perfect Christmas house brimming with gingerbread cookies, eggnog, and candy canes in every nook and cranny they could even be up your butt. If you don’t know what I’m talking about: turn on the Hallmark channel for fifteen seconds. That’s it. Be that. Anything less than 127.9% happy at all times is not happy enough. If you can’t step in for seventeen of Santa’s elves, You.Are.Failing.Christmas. This is just if you’re breathing. If you’re breathing with kids, the bar is set higher. You have to make Christmas magic for the children and everyone else. 

I hate decorating, but I love when my home is decorated, so I suck it up for one day and get it done. Other than that, I love all the things about Christmas because I love having a showroom perfect house (totally anal retentive and OCD); I love listening to nothing but classic Christmas music; any excuse to bake is a good one in my book; I love showering people with presents; I love throwing parties and making sure everyone is 128% happy; I love having an excuse to radiate happiness and wish people well. I am a raging feminist. I am also very much of a Suzy Homemaker in so many ways. I love the Christmas season because it gives me an excuse to go full-RaeAnna on EVERYONE, and no one will think it’s weird for these two months. Christmas epitomizes me as a person, so it makes sense I love it. 

Not everyone does. That’s okay!!! I can only imagine how exhausting all of this would be to someone who is not so inclined. I can’t imagine the pressure parents feel to make Christmas perfect. So I’m going to do Christmas my way. I hope you do Christmas your way!!!!

Dylan and I decided to channel “So Over It” by stressed parents on Christmas Eve after the kids have FINALLY gone to sleep waiting for Santa for our Ugly Sweater picture. Even Beau got in on the fun with her ugly sweater. Mine’s not a sweater, but it’s a pretty atrocious dress.  

bisous und обьятий,
RaeAnna

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Books, NonFiction

Motherland by Elissa Altman

Worth A Read Absolutely
Length 272
Quick Review Elissa Altman and her mother have always had a trying relationship. Altman explores their history in order to come to peace with and understand it. 

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Reading Motherland by Elissa Altman in downtown Houston. | Skirt | Watch | Top | Shoes |

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Motherland by Elissa Altman | Watch

Mother daughter relationships are hard under even the best of circumstances. When someone puts pen to paper about it, you know it is even more fraught. And usually the mom is dead, but Elissa Altman writes while her mother is still living. Motherland is, at its essence, an exploration of addiction and recovery and living with it.

Moms are hard. I probably have a skewed perception because I have struggled with the mom relationship since I became a cognizant person. Motherland resonated with me on a very visceral level. I finished it in a few hours without getting up to even refill my teacup. 

Elissa Altman is a lesbian woman raised by starlet mother in New York City. (Her father was supportive and present and seems like a really good dad and person, but this story isn’t about him.) Her mother had a career in entertainment before meeting her first husband and having a child, Altman. For the rest of her life, she would remind everyone of who she used to be, all while reminding her daughter what she had given up for her

From the start, it is wildly apparent the relationship between Altman and her mother is unhealthy under the best of circumstances. Her mother never made the shift in her mind that her days on TV were no longer. She lives as if the idea of her past self is all she was, is, and ever will be to the point Altman states, “She was a myth I searched for and never found.” Oh my god that sentence cuts me to the quick.  

  • “It was not the alcohol to which I was addicted; it was she…” About going to AA without an alcohol addiction.
  • A lot of I loved you the most did everything for you what has anyone else done that I didn’t and couldn’t do for you
  • It feels like my mother 
  • “The belief that whatever she was dishing out. I somehow deserved.”

Memorable Quotes
“Like the Centralia Mine fire, my mother and I have been burning for half a century.”
“It had been a choice: my mother’s life, or my own.”
No family likes having a writer in their midst, says a close friend. … No family ever says Yay. A writer.”

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Title: Motherland: A Memoir of Love, Loathing, and Longing
Author: Elissa Altman
Publisher: Ballantine Books
Copyright: 2019
ISBN: 9780399181580

Books

Bringing Up Bébé

Read Yes
Length 266
Quick Review Druckerman describes her experiences living in France as an American and a new mother. She navigates the challenges and the positives of raising children in a foreign culture.

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I read Bringing Up Bébé several years ago while I was in college. I don’t make a habit of reading parenting books, but I do enjoy reading cultural critiques of France as a francophone. I had lived in France for a time, and I had many of the same observations Druckerman makes throughout the book.

Druckerman moved to Paris to be with her, now, British husband, Simon. After the birth of their first daughter, she quickly realized the vast difference between American and French parents as well as American and French children. She set out to investigate the roots of these differences and how French parents managed to have such well behaved children and lives not over run by their prodigy. Druckerman does focus on motherhood, both French and American mothers, more than fatherhood because she is a mother herself.

Druckerman realized French families are not at the beck and call of every child in France. Instead parents are able to exist with their children in a familial “rhythm.” The French have an emphasis on the rhythms of children and paying attention to those; however, they believe children need to fit into the rhythm of the family as well. Druckerman was shocked at first to never see a screaming child in France. Instead, she saw a country full of children eating the same foods as adults, functioning independently, sleeping through the night by four months, reacting appropriately to being told no, and more. She strove to find and emulate this sense of calm French families possessed.

Druckerman quickly learned there is a more laid back attitude as parents. In the US, there is a never ending scrutiny parents live under, a sort of damned if you do, damned if you don’t. The French base their parenting off science and common sense; whereas to Druckerman, it seemed the US emphasized the latest fad book or parenting theory. Some revolutionary and new parenting ideas to Druckerman were seen as so common sense the French parents forgot to even mention them. The French system is designed to aid parents instead of tear them down or hinder them.

Druckerman gives background information on many French parenting mainstays such as the crèche, the cadre, and more. She starts the book off with a dictionary of terms necessary to every parent in France.

Druckerman presents the French way of parenting in such a positive light, I came back to the book several years later. I have never been on the I want children bandwagon, but her book makes parenting seem less horrific. She is able to capture the dichotomy that is american parenting and showcase the positives France has been able to carefully cultivate over the centuries.

Druckerman writes with a sense of humor poking fun at both herself and the cultures she inhabits. Reading through Bringing Up Bébé you get a sense of who she is as a person and as a parent. It is easy to identify with her struggles and desire to be a good mom to her children. I highly suggest this book to any already parent, soon-to-be parent, and those who just want an insight into parenting in a different country and culture.

Memorable Quotes
“Of course American parents want their kids to be patient. … But patience isn’t a skill that we hone quite as assiduously as French parents do.”
“Setting limits for kids isn’t a French invention, of course.”
“I seem to have a philosophical problem, too.”

Title: Bringing Up Bébé; One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting
Author: Pamela Druckerman
Publisher: The Penguin Press
Copyright: 2012
ISBN: 9781594203336