Historically, I have not struggled with executive dysfunction. Actually, I have always been incredibly good at all of those things. Which is the only reason I have managed to override the PTSD, anxiety, and depression that try very hard to keep me… doing absolutely nothing and being, arguably, on the verge of successful human. The last two years, though. Dude. Fucked up all my shit. I’m in a super not great place. And nowhere near where I want to be. In a lot of ways, I feel like I’m drowning under the pressures of trying to be the successful human I think I could potentially be someday. Also under the pressures of trying to live my life. I’ve never really had the luxury of saying: “This is what I want. This is who I am. I’m going for it.” I’m not going to bend to other people.
I am a writer. It’s who I am, and who I’ve always been. It is an integral part of my identity. I’ve lost sight of that. Around six years ago, I stopped writing about the things that matter to me. And two years ago, I pretty much stopped writing entirely. Outside of the things I had to write to pay the bills… I wasn’t writing anything of note at all.
My life is completely different than it was two years ago. In so many ways, it looks the same from the outside. But I’m more me than I have been in probably ever. The first thing I have to get back is my ability to be productive. And not in the “The dogs aren’t dead, so it’s been a good day” way. I mean in the “I’m getting shit done, clean house, exercising, working thirteen hour days because I want to, going to sleep happy (that’s not been a consistent thing in my life ever)” way. The only way I can get to being that person again is by figuring out how to re-engage my executive functioning. So I’m trying, key word there, to do little things every day to get to where I need to be. Because I need to not be here anymore.
- Journaling I’m really bad at this. I have never kept a journal regularly. I’m not good at this. I’m not good at writing my inner dialogues down in fear that they will be read and used against me. This has happened the few times I did journal. I also think it’s important as a writer and memoirist to keep track of where I am and the journey I’m on. If I have kids one day, maybe they’ll get a kick out of how much of a mess their mom is/was, but I’m sure they’ll already be aware.
- Eating Breakfast I’ve never been a breakfast eater. Actually, I have a hard time remembering to eat when I’m not feeding other people. Food is important to survival and brain function, apparently.
- Lighting A Candle I grew up visiting St. Louis Cathedral in NOLA. I’m not Catholic, never have been, but we would always light a candle and say a prayer. I’ve continued that tradition every time I visit a cathedral. I am not religious in any way, but there’s something calming about lighting a candle and thinking on a thing before thinking on lots of things for work.
- Letting the Christmas Tree Be This is kind of a funny one. I’m KNOWN for letting my Christmas tree stay up far too long. Like. It’s become an Easter tree too long. This year, my big tree was out the door by January 15. The fake one in my office is still up. Partially because executive dysfunction. Partially because I really like it. So it’s staying until it bothers me. This also goes for the stacks of books I have around my office. They make me happy. A little nuts but happy.
- Flowers I love flowers and always have. I’ve always been the person that will happily buy myself flowers just because. I don’t have people who buy me flowers, so a woman’s gotta do it herself. I managed to snag myself a florist for a best friend who has convinced me to help her in her shop sometimes, so I keep myself well supplied in flowers.
- Keeping A Book Close That Makes Me Smile Obviously I love being surrounded by books. An entire wall of my office is bookshelves. I’m a book critic. But some books just make me happy when they’re around. So I’ve started keeping a book on my desk that makes me smile every time I look at it.
- Tea I call it inspiration water. I only drink tea in my office. Caffeine only affects my anxiety, but the way caffeine works in coffee is different from tea, so my anxiety lives a better life when I drink a gallon of tea at my desk instead.
- Pride Things I’m really super gay. It’s something I haven’t talked about a whole lot over the course of my being out. It would pop up every pride as a reminder that straight passing relationships can still be queer, but the fact is… I’m just a lesbian. For as much as it is a part of my identity, it’s not a big part of my storytelling, so I’m popping the pride things around my office to remind myself I need to tell those stories too. Problem being: I write about my trauma, and I don’t have gay trauma.
- Music I’ve always shied away from music outside of classical and instrumental jams while I work because I have a tendency to get distracted and want to dance and sing along. Not usually great for productivity… Except it might be. I’ve slowly started incorporating music I want to dance to as a way to give my brain a break and my body a chance to move. It’s way too soon to tell if this is helpful or counter productive.
- Exercising I hate exercise. I don’t. But I do. It’s my least favorite activity I do willingly and regularly. It’s good for my brain. The more I move, the better my brain works. I’m still working on getting into that rhythm.
- Spending Time With People and Not Working Workaholic has very much been my operating status for ever. Twelve hour days are a regular occurrence. Eighteen hour days aren’t unheard of. I have not been doing any of that since the pandemic began. I miss it, but I also know how wildly unhealthy that is. I’m trying to be more engaged with friends and surround myself with people who inspire me rather than need me to take care of them.
bisous und обьятий,
RaeAnna
