In My Own Words, Lifestyle

I Hate My Body, But It’s What I’ve Got

It’s Women’s History Month, and when I look at my body, I feel as if it’s an amalgam of the horrors women have faced throughout history. 

Sippin’ a Virgin Daquiri in Cozumel.
Just existing at home.
Hiking in Nevada.
Beach Vacation to North Carolina.
Crop Top and Cruisin’

These pictures might seem like they’re attention seeking. These pictures are not taken for you. They’re for me. They’re hard to take. They’re harder to share. These pictures are a rebellion, a reclamation, an acceptance, a step towards peace, a forgiveness. 

Trauma lives in the body. What happens when the body is the trauma? I moved away from the city, the area, the state, the region where the violence happened. I cut off the people who didn’t protect me, the people who wouldn’t believe me, the people who defended my rapists. I can’t move away from my body. I can’t cut off the fouled pieces. I’m left with two options. The choice of not living in my body anymore. Or the choice of accepting its defeat and survival. I tried desperately for the first one, but life has decided to hold onto me with a grip a lot stronger than I often would have liked. So I have to make the choice every minute of every day to accept that when I see my body, part of me will always see the body taken away, the reminders of everything it has endured.

Looking at my body, how would you describe it?

Trip to Orlando.
Solo camping trip to the Grand Canyon.
A memorable view in Cancun.

We probably don’t see the same thing because all I can see is a body:
Raped
Beaten
Cut
Sold
Ripped
Choked
Threatened
Shared
Torn
Bought
Disposed
Experimented
Filled
Bloodied, so much blood

And that’s just before I turned twenty. 

I don’t see anything beautiful. Anything to be desired or worthy. I don’t see strength or resilience. I don’t see anything precious or deserving of protection. I don’t see a body to be loved or worshipped. Though I’m trying very hard to get to a point where I do see those things, maybe just one would be a good start. 

I see ears that heard I love you for the first time as I was raped for the first time. I see a mouth that was never taught to say “no,” not that any of these men understood consent. I see a scar from the time a man decided to teach me a lesson for trying to say “no” by taking a knife and carving out a piece of my skin. I see a body shared with friends because it’s “just so fucking tight.” I see a face that seems to just ask to be punched or slapped. I see a scar where a man, who just couldn’t contain his desire, pulled my ass apart so hard it tore me. I see eyes that have cried so many silent tears it’s amazing I haven’t died of dehydration. I see a body called beautiful every. single. time. it was raped. I see a mouth that has learned to smile and say “thank you” after having a dick shoved in it until I threw up. I see a body that never belonged to me. I see a body someone and someone and someone and someone and someone’s friends decided to take and use until they grew bored. I see a body told to cover up and hide because men can’t handle themselves: odd, I was never raped naked at a strip club, but I was raped in jeans and a turtleneck by my high school boyfriend. I see a body that was never enough.

Enjoying a day in the sun on a cruise.

My mind knows that this body has persevered through everything so that I could be thirty years old and say I have: climbed mountains; broken men’s noses and ribs and dislocated knees when they pushed too far; fallen in love; held people as they cried through their own trauma; survived broken hearts; written piece after piece like this; spoken in front of thousands about my trauma and sex work; attempted suicide and survived; rescued dogs; rescued people; traveled the world; learned languages and skills and information; given kindness with everything I am because I don’t know what pain other people are going through; listened to stories that make me grateful my life hasn’t been worse. I know in my brain that I never deserved anything that happened to me, but my body feels like it tells a different story. I know in my heart that this body has more to offer the world than to be a punching bag, but it will take time to believe that. 

I have always worn clothes, makeup, and confidence like armor. A way to distract everyone who looks from the deep discomfort I feel in my soul in perpetuity at the sheer audacity my body has to continue existing in the face of everything. The act of being naked in the shower is sometimes so much that I’ll go days without one. Leave me unattended too long surrounded by water in my own undress, I will break down. Wearing a bikini was traumatic for years and is still daunting. What if someone sees a scar and asks. Then I have to explain that men are violence, and it’s a real downer for any pool party. I have finally gotten to the point where I can practice hot yoga in a sports bra and leggings. Sex is just another story completely. I’ve reverted back to wearing grandma underwear from thongs because they just feel so exposing right now. I started sleeping naked and walking around the house in pants and a sports bra to get acquainted with my own body in a small yet safe way. I’m wearing crop tops because they terrify me, and I refuse to let fear hold me back from celebrating the fact I’m 30 and I can wear whatever the fuck I want. As a stripper, I learned to harness the confidence I gained from clothes and makeup to stand in nothing but heels in front of hundreds, demanding their eyes and forbidding their touch. I’m trying desperately hard to find some comfort in my body. I mask it so well, but the truth looks back at me in the mirror. And the truth is, I kind of hate that I have to live in this body knowing everything that it’s been through. But I can’t exactly change it. And I don’t want to. 

On a solo trip to Santa Fe.

Along with the memories of suffering this body holds the knowledge it survived. It’s learning what the after looks like. Pain but also hope. Sadness but also joy. Struggle but also resilience. Remembrance but also inspiration.

The history of women, my history is fraught with violence, subjugation, pain. It lives in my… our bones, our story, our existence. I and every other woman has continued on. Remembering those who did not survive. Resisting the sacrifice of our identities along with our bodies. Persisting when hope seems non-existent. Living to be that hope to another. Fighting for a better tomorrow for our daughters. Creating spaces of healing and joy. Whether in silence, through words, with actions, in art, women have not disappeared. We are still here. We are strong and beautiful. Our stories and souls are as varied and stunning as our bodies. And our bodies tell the story of life. 

At thirty, I am filling a void created by the actions of men with art. These words, these images, my existence. It is all art for my own sake and for those who have never been able to tell their stories. The fact my art creates empathy and anger gives my body and its pain the worth I have never been able to afford it. 

bisous und обьятий,
RaeAnna

Style

Cruise Swimsuits

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1| Rhinestone Sunglasses Amazon |2| Caged, High-Waisted Swim Bottoms Target |3|  Split Front Beach Pants Asos |4| Mini Heart Bikini Top Asos |5| Mini Heart Bikini Bottoms Asos |6| Tropical Print Dress Asos |7| Scoop Back One-Piece Target |8| Straw Hat Madewell |9| Ring Detail Halter Bikini Top Asos |10| Crochet High Waisted Bottoms Asos (Low Rise) |11| Crochet Tie Top |12| Bardot Black One-Piece Asos |13| White Mesh Top |14| Lavender Sunglasses

When I was young, I couldn’t wait to be old enough to wear bikinis. Then, I got old enough and didn’t love them so much. I felt exposed. Then, I got even older, and I just don’t give a fuck anymore. I love swimsuits because they mean I’m at the beach or by the pool. My apartment has a pool, and I don’t spend as much time by it as I should. When I first moved to Texas, I had very few swimsuits. Now, I have a whole bunch. It didn’t stop me from buying a few more for my cruise last month, though.

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Crochet Top | Crochet Bottom | Both from Asos.com

I found several from Asos and JustFab and Target. I love one piece swimsuits; being as tall as I am, they are kind of hard to find. So I have a renewed love in bikinis. I’m a huge fan of high waisted bottoms because I can binge on shitty food and not feel totally exposed. Here are all the swimsuits I brought with me on my cruise. I definitely overbought, but that’s fine. They are all on sale, and I adore all of them. Truly. They look so cute!

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Travel, Travel Guides

Cozumel, Mexico

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I really do love staring into the ocean. | Bikini top. | Bikini bottom.

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I can’t believe my dad is in the ocean with me!!!

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Hammock at the pool bar. | Sunglasses | Top | Shorts

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Three generations sipping on drinks at the poolside bar.

It seems like everyone has been to Mexico. Definitely not everyone, but a whole bunch of people. The closest I had been was Calexico, California, which is literally on the border, but it’s still not Mexico. On my cruise last month – I am so behind on the blog posts – I ported in Cozumel. The thing about cruises is that you don’t really get to experience the destination. I was only there for seven hours give or take.

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My parents are always up for fun in the sun. | Bikini top. | Bikini bottoms.

The ocean was so blue. I can equate it to blue Gatorade. My time in Mexico was spent at a day resort: Nachi-Cocom. Pretty much the thing of dreams. I was ready to move in. I think it was $50 for the day, and it included all food and drinks. I think I drank them out of virgin mango daiquiris. I can’t describe the amount of joy it brought me to sit on the beach drinking a fruity drink and eating french fries brought to me. Joy. The resort had huts on the beach and lots of chairs. There was also a restaurant and bathrooms. A pool and hot tub with a swim up bar was also enticing. There were beds to lounge in. A bar by the beach. Hammocks hanging between palm trees. Really it was fabulous.

I spent the day at the resort with my parents, great aunt, and cousins. I went parasailing for the first time with my seven and fourteen year old cousins. They had both been before, so I’m the old lady. It was quite the experience. Not cheap but super cool. Worth it once, I think. It is a really pretty vantage point to look at the ocean and the island. It was beautiful.

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Parasailing was wonderful.

My poor mom had a restless night on the cruise ship because there was a lot of motion. She was exhausted the whole day in Cozumel. I’m so glad she decided to come with us. Growing up, my dad was never a huge fan of the water. I really only remember him getting in the summer kiddy pool once when I was four after a very long bike ride in the heat. My dad ran into the ocean in Cozumel before I did. THAT NEVER HAPPENS. Watching my dad laugh and play in the ocean with my seven year old cousin and 80 year old great aunt was worth the trip. He and I played and waded. It was an amazing few hours in Mexico.

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Goodbye Cozumel! | Top | Shorts

If you’re ever in Cozumel, I would highly suggest stopping by the day resort. On top of the stunning scenery, there are also massages and spa stuff to enjoy. It is a great place to relax and read a book or catch up with friends. They have a cap on how many people are allowed a day, so you will never be too crowded. Though Nachi-Cocom was something full of dreams, I would not consider it an immersive or even real experience of Mexico.

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The bikini I wore is on super sale on Asos. I love it. It was so comfortable. I could eat fries and not feel expose because of the high waisted bikini bottom. There are low waisted version, which I also own. (TMI warning) The bikini top was comfortable and made my boobs look great!!! I bought all three for under $14 combined. I am obsessed with the lavender sunglasses from Target. The lavender backless shirt is amazing and so soft. Perfect for summer, working out, or sunburn. The high waisted shorts are a favorite.

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There is something wonderful about the ocean. | Bikini top. | Bikini bottoms.

Travel, Travel Guides

My First Cruise

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Birthday coozies.

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This is my current most favorite swimsuit.

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I was ready to sail away in this cute dress!

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I needed this comfy top and shorts with my sunburn!

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I love these pants, but the wind took them!

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Grammy and her oldest brother. Love this top.

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Everyone for the cruise.

I had never been on a cruise before. I lived most of my life in the Midwest, which made cruises a not very cheap option. Now that I live in Houston, I really should start going on cruises more often.

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In love with this bikini and beach pants.

This cruise was put together to celebrate my grandmother’s 80th birthday. There were 18 of us in attendance. There were three over 80 year olds, one turning 80 this year, a bunch of cousins my parents age, my parents, a seven year old, and a fourteen year old. It was a varied bunch. I roomed with my parents because I like saving money…. As great as they are; next time, I will be getting my own room.

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I LOVE this dress that I wore on formal night!

Going into the cruise, I really had no idea what to expect. The only real expectation I had was there would be a lot of water and sky. Those expectations were met. I sailed on the Carnival Triumph for their second to last trip ever before going into dry dock to return under a different name. It was a four day cruise to Cozumel, Mexico. We boarded Thursday morning, I was eating beignets by 10:00 am on Monday morning in the French Quarter. We had a room with a balcony. If you can afford it, have a balcony. They’re great; the view is spectacular. It also helped keep the seasickness to a minimum.

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The sunsets were amazing in this jumpsuit!

Carnival Cruises have amazing guest relations. I kinda fell in love with Larson – the guy who cleaned our room. He was wonderful. I had a tag in my beach pants, he chased me down the hall and helped me cut it off because “Miss RaeAnna, your tag does not look good!” I appreciate that level of kindness and honesty.

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My parental units.

I would call Carnival the Walmart of cruise lines. It is cheap but does the job. It is absolutely excellent for people watching. There are all kinds. I truly, deeply mean that. A whole bunch of fun and laughs, but I think I’m ready for the Target of cruise lines next time.  

Here are some things I learned:

  • Bring your own toilet paper. The toilet paper is awful. One ply. Chaps the butt hole really well, which is unpleasant.
  • Explore on the first day. Take an hour to walk the entire ship. I’m kind of a stickler for knowing where everything is and how to get there. Taking the time saves more time later especially if you happen to be intoxicated.
  • Drinks aren’t free. I don’t drink alcohol, but the non-alcoholic versions are only a dollar cheaper than the alcoholic versions. There are drink packages. If you’re going to have more than five drinks a day, go with the package. It pays off.
  • Super windy. Cruise ships are incredibly windy. Give up on the long hair being down. It won’t work. Also anything that can blow in the wind, will, so dress appropriately.
  • Eat everything. Unlike drinks. Food is free. I ordered two appetizers and two desserts every single meal because I wanted to try them, and they were free. I gained a few pounds, but I have no regrets. I never want to regret food I didn’t eat.
  • Look inside the gym. I didn’t work out because I hate it. I did wander the gym. It was at the very front of the boat, and they view was bonkers.
  • Wifi sucks. It costs money to have any internet. Even after paying the $40, the wifi sucks. It’s good enough to send messages and snapchats to friends on land, but not great for browsing Instagram or uploading videos. Forget streaming. If you don’t need the internet, use the time to digitally detox.
  • Meet people! I am introvert. I have a horrible time putting myself out there to meet people. I spent the entire cruise hanging out with my parents. They’re great, but they don’t have my kind of dancing stamina. Finally on the last night, I met people and went dancing. I should have done it sooner.
  • The cruise is not about the destination. I’ve been to Mexico, but I have not done Mexico. I was there for seven hours. I spent the day on the beach and parasailing. I spoke zero Spanish. It doesn’t count. Cruising is about cruising not about the destination.
  • Bring reading material. Ok. This isn’t a necessity, but I really loved sitting on the deck reading. It was probably my favorite thing. I almost never get to simply enjoy the sun and reading anymore.
  • Go see stuff. There is a bunch to do. Go do it.
  • Gambling. Drinking. Oh my. Carnival cruises are geared more towards the gamblers, drinkers, and bingo players. I don’t do any of those things. Luckily, I have fun just listening to music.

I enjoyed my first cruise. I would really like to go again with a friend or a partner, so I can enjoy the nightlife more fully. I’m currently trying to pressure all my gal pals into going on a cruise with me.