11..., Lifestyle

11… Unexpected Changes from Two Months of Regularish Lifting

Back in April 2022, I started getting really serious about consistently working out. For the first time ever. Granted there was a very long period of time where I was super active as a dancer up until I was 23. I didn’t have to make a conscientious effort to move my body; I just always was. I’m an active person. I love rock climbing, walking, and playing sports with friends, though I am more than very bad. My vacations trend towards adventure with a lot of hiking or walking. Me out of shape is still very in shape. 

A  woman in houndstooth pants, a black lace bra, blue blazer, and black booties, holding a disco ball covered in flowers in front of a mural.
Are those abs? What in the world?

Then I got into shape for realsies. Or at least, I was on the path. I was running six days a week and going to yoga at least four. In the span of two months, I lost 20 pounds and was in the lithest shape I’d ever been in in my adult body. I even ran a couple races and finished solidly just above mid-pack. Yay me. I hate running.

My dedication to working out floundered in July when I was constantly traveling. In August, my best friend and co-pawrent had a hip replacement, which took all of my time for four weeks and most of my time for an additional four weeks. A quarter of the way into his recovery, I seriously broke my hand—it’s still healing—and, being the fall risk that I am, exercise was even less possible. So working out became a thing of the past. My body started shifting away from lithe and lean because of course it did.  

A woman in black rock climbing.
Rock climbing again and figuring out I can do more even after I broke my hand.

But I’m getting older. It happens. I actually really love it. Our society has such a negative view of aging, and it’s so common to hear people complain about how their bodies turn to shit after 30. I’m not experiencing that. Things are changing, 100%, but I’m choosing to have a positive *insert serious internal gasp here* look at aging. So much of what our body experiences is influenced by how we view something (I have sources on this if you want to call me on it because this is a science based fact), and this is particularly pertinent to aging. So often we blame aging rather than a lack of stretching, not exercising, not stimulating our bodies/brains, poor form, overexertion, so on and so forth. It’s easier to blame age. Thirty is not old. Thirty is still so fucking young. I suffer from a lot of health problems. If I don’t want to die in the near future, it’s extra important I take care of my body in any and all ways. 

The physical effects of exercise are not all that appealing to me. I’m naturally thin. It’s just genetics. I can eat like crap, do nothing, and still never go over 150 pounds at 5’10”; believe me, I’ve done my best trying. Going from a ballerina body to that of a woman with hips was an adjustment. I’ve finally made my peace with it. So I don’t exercise to look a certain way. I exercise because it is the very best thing for mental acuity as I age. My biggest fear is losing my cognitive abilities and control. Combatting that starts right now by moving my body. As much as I hate admitting it, the other really important thing for women as we age… weight lifting. I hate it. I’d rather do cardio until I pass out. 

In November, I got a bougie ass gym membership. If I don’t spend too many monies on a gym membership, I will not work out regularly. I HATE wasting money more than just about anything. It’s right up there with systemic racism and all that bad shit. Running and yoga are still really hard for me. Running: I have a propensity to stumble and fall; with a hand that is still fragile, I can’t afford to lose my dominant hand again. Yoga: there’s a lot of putting weight on a hand that can’t take it yet. So I started weight lifting, and I think I accidentally became a gym rat. It’s the easiest thing for me to do with my hand. I’ve always had strong legs because… dancer. Upper body strength, what is that? Because… dancer. What I’ve lacked in strength, I’ve made up for in determination. But I hate looking weak. One way to, at least, feeling weak is knowing exactly how much weight I cannot do. 

A  woman in houndstooth pants, a black lace bra, and black booties, holding a disco ball, flexing her arm muscles and making a goofy face in front of a mural.
When did I get arms? Or shoulders? or abs? I’m also making a dumb ass face because why not?
A woman rock climbing all the way to the top in a sports bra and leggings.
I’m still scared of heights… but I can almost see muscles in this picture.

Holy fuck. There have been some serious changes in the mere two months I’ve been not so consistently weight lifting. And it’s not just limited to doubling then tripling and even quadrupling the weight I was lifting at the beginning of December.

1. Boobs My boobs are not the same boobs I had two months ago. All the muscles in my chest and abs have changed things. Lifted two things. I’ve never been known for wearing a bra because my boobs have always been right about where they should be aesthetically for today’s societal beauty standards that I hate conforming to yet historically have. My boobs are so fucking perky. It’s weird. Now, I almost never wear a bra because why would I???   

2. Sleep I don’t like to sleep. It’s the antithesis of productivity, yet something I very much need for my health and a foundational element in maintaining mental acuity. Damnit. Working out has helped my sleep. It makes me tired at reasonable human times. Like midnight or one in the morning rather than never. Physical exhaustion, enough of it, can actually counteract anxiety. Who knew? It’s also made me more prone to getting up between 7:30 and 8:00 in the morning… weird. I have an almost normal sleep schedule. I wake up, like, ready to go. 

3. Protein So people have been telling me for years that protein is important. Ballerina mentality means I can and do push far past what most people find acceptable levels of physicality. Limits? What even are those? Fucking weird. If I take protein before I work out… I can lift a shit ton more with ease. Who knew?? Why didn’t someone tell me that? 

4. New Body My boobs aren’t the only thing that’s changing. My entire body is different. I have arm muscles. Back muscles. Abs are actually starting to show and not in the ‘my fluff is aligned in a flatteringly deceptive way’ kind of thing. My shoulders are a bit of a “what the fuck?” every time I look in the mirror. My legs are sleeker. My fluff hasn’t started falling off yet because I’m not really doing cardio. A body I’ve never had before. A body I’ve never wanted. When I bend my elbows, my forearms can feel my biceps. It’s not the ballerina body I’ve always had. It’s a strong body. It’s foreign and alien. I’m trying to get used to it. I’m still shocked as all hell that my body can look like that… this. And, truthfully, I don’t know if I like it. I’ll get there. (Especially as I keep outlifting stronger and stronger men. That helps.)

A topless woman in houndstooth pants and black booties, holding a disco ball in front of her.
Seriously? What the fuck, shoulders?

5. My Body Feels Different Being in this body feels different, for sure. What’s really weird is how it feels when people touch me. This may not make sense. When people touch me, it feels like they’re touching me closer than ever before. Where there used to be skin, fluff, bone, it didn’t feel like there was a lot of me to touch. Now, there’s resistance when people hug or touch me because there’s muscle. It feels like they’re touching me more immediately. I’m autistic as fuck, so my sensory issues are probably in play here. But when there’s pressure on my body, my muscles have more feeling than the fluff and skin. Therefore it feels more intimate than before, like people are actually touching me rather than the buffer. I can feel people’s touch so much more intensely. In a lot of ways, it’s great… if I like the person. It’s also made me a lot, a lot, more sensitive to being touched. 

6. Gym I finally realized the gym is just an age appropriate playground for adults. Once I do what I have to do for my workouts… then I can play. I’m very bad at weights and cardio and all that crap. But what I am good at: flexibility and balance. It’s so fun. I get to bounce around doing things I enjoy, and it turns out it makes other people ask if my sanity is intact because it’s so hard. Thanks ballet!

7. Orgasms I’m going to leave it at: Stronger abs, stronger…

8. Things Are Lighter Things are not lighter. I got stronger. That’s fucking weird. At 31, I am in the best, strongest shape of my life. My body also probably looks the healthiest it ever has. Ballerina bodies are beautiful but don’t exude health. I love picking up heavy, also heavy and awkward, things in front of men and them asking if I’m on steroids. They can’t do it with the same ease. And that brings me immense joy. I can also now move two 45 pound bags of dog food easily and at the same time. With six dogs, this is efficient, and I love efficiency.

9. Balance I hate balance because that means I’m human. I have a tendency to go balls to the wall with everything I do. I go hard, I go fast, and I go constantly. Rest is deserved by everyone. Except me. Lifting has taught me that I don’t have to feel like my legs and arms are falling off to get a good workout. I can workout hard and not pass out. I can take a day off or even a minute for a break without being an absolute failure of a person. I hold myself to an inhumanly high standard, partially because I’m only motivated by my own constant failure, partially because of trauma, partially because I’m just starting to realize how ingrained my ballet mentality is, partially because my mother. That standard probably will never change, and I don’t want it to. But lifting has allowed me to be okay with having a modicum of physical limitations.

10. Velocity of Change Under the fluff, muscle is growing and growing really fucking fast. My body does not change like a woman’s. It changes like a man’s. Maybe even faster. It’s weird. I’m getting an entirely different body really quickly. There is clear definition between my muscles, and that started happening within two weeks. It’s only getting worse, better, I don’t know, it’s continuing.

11. Twerking I used to be able to twerk. I can’t now. My ass has tightened up so much, I cannot twerk. No matter how hard I try. Oh lord, have I tried. Nothing. No twerking for me. I should have twerked for everyone because I’m a white lady in my 30s and no one would believe that shit. I could two months ago. Then my body changed. My butt won’t twerk anymore. I’m sad. (I think that’s the most I’ve ever used the word twerk in a paragraph, day, ever.)

bisous und обьятий,
RaeAnna

11..., Lifestyle

11… Struggles of Being a Tall Girl

I have finally found jumpsuits that don’t give me a 180 wedgie!
I’m really loving these jumpsuit pictures. | Shoes | Earrings

Average Height of All Men: 5’9 or 5’6” (depending on what source you choose)
Average Height of American Men: 5’10” (almost)
Average Height of All Women: 5’3”
Average Height of American Women: 5’4”
Average Height of Women Supermodels: 5’9″
My Height: 5’10”

To be considered a tall woman in the United States, she must achieve 5’7” in vertical talent. I’m three inches more talented than that. Also, I’m taller than a lot of models. Hello, Ford Models! I’m waiting for my contract. 

National and international heights are trending upwards. Over the last 150 years, the average height for people living in industrialized nations has increased by FOUR inches. Evolution plays a part in the height increase because ladies like the tall guys, and tall guys usually make tall or tallish humans. However, evolution doesn’t play a big enough part in the equation to explain an increase of four inches in such a short period of time. Nutrition is the key component. For most of history, food was not readily available, and the first modern, one-stop American grocery store didn’t open until August 1930. Dying of hunger was a pretty common reason for death for a long time. If you wanted to eat, you had to hunt, gather, farm, or steal it. As food became more accessible, children started eating regular meals. Well fed children are healthier children, and those children grow the way they’re supposed to into non-stunted adults. Food isn’t just more accessible, it’s more nutritious than it was before because technology. There’s a lot of really interesting proof and resources on the subject, but back to me!

I guess my parents fed me because I’m a tall lady. The funny thing is I’m the short one on my dad’s side of the family. My aunt is 6’ tall and my cousin (her daughter) is well on her way. Growing up I was never tall for my age. When most girls stopped growing between 13 and 15, I kept growing for another six years. I started being “tall” my sophomore year in high school. By the time I was a senior, I was one of the tallest girls in school and there were 1,500 students.  I stopped growing at 21. In college, my friends were shocked I was still growing out of pants for reasons other than I had an obsession with chocolate milk, candy, and cake. My feet stopped growing when I was 13… My body is and always has been confused. 

I love being tall for so many reasons. I don’t need to ask people to get things off the top shelf. I have a great line of sight pretty much everywhere. There are some real downsides, though. 

  1. Jumpsuits!!! I hated on jumpsuits for a long time when they came back into style. Not because I didn’t like them, but because they didn’t like me. I was like the mean girl in high school when it came to jumpsuits. Being tall, jumpsuits are not usually designed with me in mind, and I don’t have the budget to buy jumpsuits designed for supermodels. Not only is it a wedgie in the back, it’s a wedgie in the front. 180° wedgie. Cute. In the last year or so, brands have started making jumpsuits for tall girls. Old Navy, Aerie, I’m looking at you. I can now enjoy them!!!! And they’re great. Ugh, finally I can stop being mean to jumpsuits. 
  2. I REALLY AM 5’10” This may just be me. I don’t know if it’s because I’m curvy or proportional or my personality or what it is, but people will argue with me about how tall I am… Even in person! Over the interwebs, fine whatever. I don’t care. But when I’m right in front of you! Ugh. I am actually 5’10”. I’ve had 5’8” (other heights too, but it’s almost always someone around the 5’8” range that wants to prove to me they’re taller. No you’re not. I’ll sit on you, stop.) men and women try to argue that I’m definitely shorter than them. When we go back to back and their hand comes halfway up my head, they eat shit! Because I am taller than them. Ha! I don’t know why this irritates me so much. It really doesn’t matter. Being tall doesn’t make me or anyone else better than anyone else, but some people really want to argue that I’m not tall because I don’t look tall… Sorry not all 5’10” girls look like Victoria’s Secret models. Which speaks to the fact Victoria’s Secret really needs to diversify their angels. Come on guys (and yes dudes, they’re in charge), it’s 2020. 
  3. Sometimes I want to feel small. I don’t know why, but sometimes I just want to feel little. Maybe this just has to do with sex. Watch TV or movies. Sexy scenes dudes are picking up girls and walking to the bedroom or pushing them up against a wall or a door or a whatever. It just doesn’t work with a tall girl. The legs go everywhere. Or maybe I need to diddle stronger dudes. You’re welcome for too much information. 
  4. Pants I am a vocal opponent of pants, but I wear them far more than I would like to. In order to wear them, I have to find ones that fit. I have curves aka an ass and hips. For some reason, most brands don’t make pants for tall girls with an ass in a size 4 or 6. It’s super frustrating. Where am I supposed to put this butt? Obviously not in these pants. 
  5. Dating… I’m taller than the average man in the United States (and world but I’ve not had the opportunity to date internationally yet), which means over half of the guys in this country are shorter than me by a little or a lot. I don’t mind dating short guys. Most of the guys I have dated are shorter than me. My current boyfriend and I are basically the same height (he’s actually shorter, but I’m sparing his feelings by saying we’re basically the same height), so when I put heels on, we’re in different elevation zones. It seems like the taller the guy the shorter the girl. My brother (6’2”) married a 5’½” woman. Look at professional athletes… Point proven. After dating a guy who was 5’5” – on a good day – it’s better for my back to date taller guys, which is why tall guys should date tall girls: I’M GOOD FOR YOUR BACK!!! THINK OF OLD YOU, PICK ME!
  6. Dresses… Maxi dresses are my favorite because they make me feel like a classy lady even though I’m absolutely bonkers. Maxi dresses are not practical in most situations, but it’s hard finding short dresses that don’t also show off my labia. (Spanx are my best friend for this reason and the chafe.) Even maxi dresses are hard because they’re never quite long enough. I end up buying tea length dresses because it cuts down on the voyeurism. Just forget clubbing dresses. That’s a hard nope. I’ve seen strippers with less visible skin than me in a minidress. 
  7. Men get weirdly competitive. Sometimes when dudes are shorter than me, they get competitive about all sorts of random shit. Maybe they’re trying to prove their masculinity because I have somehow demasculinized them with my height. Whatever it is, it’s weird and usually mean and/or super disrespectful. 
  8. Economy on an airplane is really fucking tight. This is not exclusively for ladies. It’s inclusive for all tall people. It’s tight. It’s uncomfortable. I feel like I’m eating my knees. Also car rides in the backseat. Really any place with a minimal amount of leg room.
  9. Gal pal pictures are weird. I love my girlfriends. They’re amazing, but almost all of them are significantly shorter than me. My very best friend is exactly my height. I have an Aussi friend here in Houston who is taller than me. A friend from college was taller. That’s it. Most everyone else is under 5’4”. Do I strike a sorority girl pose so we’re all the same height? Slouch and look lumpy and frumpilicious? Or do I stand normally and be super tall and have them use my boobies as pillows? I don’t have the answer, I’m genuinely asking what looks better.
  10. Defined waistlines… I love them because they cinchy-cinch my waist and draw attention to my hourglass shape. Yay! …Except defined waistlines are put into dresses based on average height ladies. So almost all defined waists hit me in an unflattering space between an empire waist and the fourth and sixth rib. It’s not cute. It doesn’t even make me look like I have Amazonian legs… It just makes me look fatter than I am. It took me a long time to just put dresses back when the waist doesn’t hit AT my waist. Heartbreaking but the best choice for looking like I know how to shop for my body.
  11. Barres are not made for me. I trained to be a ballerina for a long time. I have recently started taking barre and ballet classes again. I’m taller now than I was in my ballet days (remember, I kept growing until I was 21), and barres are not set at appropriate heights for tall ladies. While everyone else is enjoying their average height barre, I’m bending over trying to reach it, not getting any stretch, or just balancing on my own because it’s useless. 

If you haven’t noticed, I didn’t put heels on this list because I don’t find heels to be a struggle. I love heels. I have always loved heels. I’m going to wear them even though they make me very, very, very tall. Even when I dated the 5’5” dude, wore heels! It’s not a struggle. It’s great! Many other tall ladies feel selfconscious in heels, and I don’t think they should be. If they want to wear heels, wear the damn heels. Because one day we’ll be old and have old lady knees, and we shouldn’t walk around in our orthopedic shoes saying we wish we would’ve worn those cute shoes. 

bisous und обьятий,
RaeAnna

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11..., Lifestyle

11 Reasons I Can’t Give You Autumnal Vibes on Instagram

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Having a gourd time at Wildseed Farms in Fredericksburg, Texas. | Skirt | Bralette | Blanket |

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These photos were taken at Wildseed Farms in Fredericksburg, Texas, where there were lots and lots of cute pumpkins, so I took some pumpkin pictures.

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I love autumn. It’s my favorite season. Pumpkin spice isn’t my jam, but apple cider sure is. After moving to Houston, fall is one of the things I miss about my Northern life. Fall here in humid Houston regularly visits the 90s. Yay.

  1. I keep it real. My Instagram is a reflection of my real life, and my real life takes place in Houston. Instagrammable fall doesn’t exist here, so unless I’m traveling, I would be lying to you if I posted all the autumnal vibes.
  2. Beach photos almost never end up looking anything but warm and tropical. 
  3. Other Houston bloggers, mostly of the fashion variety, are posting fall outfit inspo pictures, and I feel like I’m going to die for them. It’s hot. I’m not putting on a sweater for a picture. Nope. 
  4. Changing of the leaves is beautiful, but non-existent here. If I find myself somewhere it’s occurring, you’ll see it. Until then, you’re gonna see skirts, green grass, tank tops, pools, and bright blue skies. 
  5. I hate pumpkin spice. I took a taste of the Starbucks drink when they first came out with it or I first became aware of it, and I hate it. 
  6. Pumpkins are amazing. I have nothing against them; other than the spice capitalism and consumers have forced upon it. The pie is delicious. Roasted, soup, puree, and stuffed is all up my alley. I just don’t post them because everyone else is, and I’m here to be different. 
  7. Mood often sways the way my pictures turn out, and it’s hard to be in the autumnal, sweater, scarf, and cozy socks kinda mood when it’s 90 degrees and as humid as Satan’s crotch after hot yoga.  
  8. Houston winter feels like a casual fall to me, and it doesn’t come until after the new year, so you’ll see cozy from me for three weeks in mid-January or February, then it’s back to your regularly scheduled shorts and tees. 
  9. Being uncomfortable in a sweater or scarf in Texas is not worth a cute picture. I’ll do a lot for pretty photos but not that. 
  10. Houston
  11. Houston

bisous und обьятий,
RaeAnna

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Shirt | Bralette | Skirt | Shoes | Sunglasses | Watch | Blanket