Tag: Happy Birthday

There are people who make you. There are people who break you. There are a few who define you. There are even fewer you can’t imagine living without. There are maybe a handful of people who are all in for the good, the bad, the worse, the horrible, and the healing. Life is hard. Life is really hard, and mine has been a series of uphill battles. People have not been kind and because of that getting to know me is a battle in and of itself.

I met Kelsey almost six years ago. She was a freshman; I was a senior. I couldn’t tell you what it was about her. Probably a fuck ton of timing. I was raw and broken and alone. I needed a person, and so did she. We became pretty inseparable almost immediately. There’s no sex in this story but a lot of time laying in bed with pets watching stupid TV shows. We both have a deep love of bed, and I’m more comfortable lying in bed with her than anyone else.  

In a lot of ways, I found the greatest love story of my life.

Love is tricky even when life is easy. Love takes two parties – at least, it should. Even my dog and I have our ups and downs because we’re two different personalities trying to figure things out as we go. When people love people, well, that’s even harder. People talk. Beau vocalizes. At the end of the day, I feed Beau. Unlike Beau, Kelsey has a choice to be with me. She can feed herself. Also my baggage is pretty fucking heavy. Kelsey didn’t teach me love doesn’t have to be accompanied by bruises or conditions or violence or abuse. She did put love, the real kind, into action, though. She showed me kindness, compassion, respect without ever judging me or making me feel less than. I never saw fear or hatred or pity in her eyes. There was only ever love. Sometimes, sadness. When you love someone, pain is shared, and she has shared mine.  

I have made careers and relationships out of hiding who I am and being what other people want. My life for decades was based on pretending and hiding. Unconditional love was a theory; it belonged to other people. The lucky ones. For me, love was bought and sold and revoked. It was anything but free. I spent years searching and working and grasping at something that wasn’t even love to begin with. I put up with abuse and violence because “I love you” was whispered in there somewhere. All I had was words. Love isn’t a word; it’s a verb.

Kelsey may be the only person in the entire world who truly loves me unconditionally. I am unfiltered and utterly me with her. I am never anything but me. Some days, I’m funny and loud and obnoxious and so embarrassing. Some days, I’m in a bad mood. Some days, I cry and cry and cry. Some days, I’m strong. Most days, I’m broken and a little bit of everything. I am quiet. I like quiet; though, most people wouldn’t know it. I talk and make jokes because people don’t ask questions when someone seems open. Kelsey is the only person who doesn’t ask if something’s wrong if I go without talking. She asks questions when I’m ready, but mostly she lets me tell her when I can. She doesn’t push. She respects who I am, no matter who that person is in the moment. Because she knows who I am and where I’ve been. More importantly, she never asks for more than I can give. She sees me and accepts me and doesn’t want anything else.

There are things in my life I’m working through. Have been working through for a lot longer than Kelsey has been in my life. Six years ago, there was a massive upheaval of the few things and people keeping me sane. The first ounce of happiness and stability in my entire life was suddenly gone, and everything else started to disappear along with it. I lost so much so quickly. I was spiralling and raw in a way that I would really like to never be again. Because of that upheaval, I was able to be open with this random 18 year old. For some unknown reason, she didn’t say “Fuck this crazy.” Instead she dug in and dealt with problems no one should ever have to deal with.

The good, the bad, the worse, the horrible, and the healing. Kelsey didn’t become my friend during the good. She hopped in at worse. Then, she watched me hit horrible and stay there for a long time before we got to healing. Maybe, she’ll get good one of these days. She didn’t put me back together again. She gave me a safe space to get it wrong over and over and over again. She continues to watch me put the same pieces together in different orders trying to figure out which way the belong. Hopefully someday, I’ll get it right.

Love stories are often between a boy and a girl who lock eyes across a room and just know. That’s great and all. (Other than being heteronormative. Girl and girl. Boy and boy. Fluid and queer. You do you!) I think some of the most important love stories in our lives are the ones that have nothing to do with sex. Platonic love is just as powerful, if not more so, than the romantic. I have loved men in an all consuming kind of way. They have shaped me, and some have even defined who I would become. No one has ever loved me the way my best friend has. We will never say vows or file taxes together or have children or any number of other quantifiers placed on a successful relationship. Instead, we choose to love each other’s crazy every goddamn day.

Kelsey isn’t perfect. She’s stubborn and picky and moody and a royal pain in my ass. She can be an absolute bitch sometimes. (I can say that because I’m her person. If anyone else calls her that, I will end them.) The thing is, she’s human. She is also kind and generous and smart and strong and patient and funny. She has seen hell and continues on. She is the greatest cat mom ever. Her love for Doodle makes mothers of humans question their love for their child. Kelsey is intensely everything I need in life. I can honestly tell you, there is a huge chance I would not be in this world if it weren’t for her. At the very least, without her, I would be in a very different place in my life, and it would not be better. She became my family and opened up her home to me. She is the person I talk to most. She knows just about everything there is to know about me. My world is better because she is in it.

I need Kelsey in a way I will never need another person. She is my person, and I am hers.

Today is her birthday. I think I could probably write books about our relationship and what she means to me. I love her with all of my heart, and I have so much gratitude for everything she has done for me over the past six years. I refer to our friendship as a love story because it goes beyond friendship. It’s not just coffee or vacation. It’s a relationship. It’s a partnership. It is two people who have shaped and been shaped by one another. I wish I could be with her to celebrate today, but instead I will see her in a week and a half.